16 months..

Wow..16 months already..I completely lost track of time, and I never even realized that yesterday was the 22nd..that is just how my mind is working these days it seems like! I have to admit that it feels like only yesterday that she was in my arms, and in some ways I wish I could go back to that day so I could hold her again. I look at her picture every morning when I come down the stairs, and I can't help but think about what she might be eating for breakfast when I am fixing Carley and Parker their breakfast..would she be into cereal like Carley or "blue toast" aka cinnamon bread (it pertains to the color of the bag) like Parker..I think about how we would be taking all three kids on the Disney Cruise next week to celebrate my grandparent's anniversary and how much fun we would all have together. I know that was never the plan, but I can't help but think about what it could have been like..Missing my beautiful baby girl as always..much love to you!!

Why Are Things So Unfair Sometimes?

I have a friend that I have been talking to for quite some time and we have been supporting each other through our pregnancies after losing a baby..Our situations are similar in a lot of ways, but Aubree's chromosomal abnormalities were just a fluke when her child's are genetic. She had some testing done to see if the baby she was carrying had the same results as her last child's or if this baby's future would be different..She found out yesterday that the baby she is carrying has exactly the same problems as her other child did..My heart is just breaking into a million pieces for them right now, and I keep praying that she is able to pull through this in one piece. She has a lot of tough decisions to make right now, and she could really use some prayers. I just ask that you pray for her family and for God to help her through this emotional time. I know she tried really hard to stay disconnected from the baby in certain ways, but she was very attached. How can you not be? We all feel attached as soon as we see that positive pregnancy test even though we try so hard to be tough..I just don't understand why this had to happen to her again when it was hard enough the first time..I know that God has His reasons behind everything, but sometimes it is just really hard to see through the mud..My heart just aches for her, and I just wish that there was more that I could do to help..I hate feeling so helpless. There just aren't any words that can even remotely begin to take the pain away..

It is time to disassemble..

We ordered a chair for our living room because we have the room now for extra seating. We have had my nursing chair sitting in the place that our new chair will occupy for about a year now because we had no use for it, and it matches our furniture. The dogs have gotten it dirty along with the kids, and we have been anxious to get our new chair so a few weeks ago we ordered one..it came in yesterday..so that means we are picking it up today to put it where it belongs. That means our nursing chair needs to find it's home where it should have been a year ago..our nursery. Our nursery has been set up as a guest bedroom for over a year now, but I have kept the door shut because it drives me crazy to see it when I walk up the steps. It is a reminder of what should have been in my mind..I carried the ottoman up today to slowly make room for the new chair when I realized that our chair won't fit in there with the bedroom the way it is now. The bed needs to be disassembled and it needs to become the crib once again.. I just keep wondering if I am ready for this, and if it is just too soon to even think about setting up a nursery. I have thought about just shoving a bunch of stuff in there for the time being, but the neat freak that I can be at times just can't handle even thinking about that! I have figured out how the room needs to be arranged to fit all of the furniture in the best way in order to accommodate the glider. It freaks me out to even think about setting up a nursery because we never had the chance to last time even though I was 31 weeks..that is what happens when you are moving into a new house that close to your due date! I do realize that things are different this time around, but it still scares me to think about getting a room ready that might never be used...my heart just aches for those people that had to come home to an empty nursery..I never had the time to set mine up...

So today I have been busy stripping the bed and washing up all of the sheets to put away so we can take apart the bed to assemble it back into the crib...I was so excited for our new chair, but I didn't stop to think about how the new chair meant we had to think about actually doing something in the nursery/guest room to make room for the glider. Maybe it is time...I can say that I am not doing anything in there until after the baby comes though because I want to make it gender specific..I can't pull out the bedding we were going to use for Aubree..I need a fresh start..

Just Plain Offended..

I have kept my mouth shut, but I have boiled inside for a long time over this issue, and I think I have calmed down enough to actually write about it now. I went from an emotional high to an emotional low all in about a day last week. We have been working on a photo book with our entire family for my grandparent's 60th wedding anniversary on Shutterfly to give to them as a memento of our families over the years. Each family was given a few pages to showcase their family. My mom and I worked on our page together, and she encouraged me to include a picture of Aubree since my grandmother has requested one. I put my favorite picture in with a quote that allowed anyone looking at the book to know that she was always remembered and loved. We finished our page and then I was relieved to be done with my part..A few days later my mom was talking to some of our family, and basically through conversation told my mother that it was just too sad to look at that picture and it was supposed to be a happy book..In other words..take the picture out. So..they wanted to cut one of my kids out of My family page..She is my daughter and has every right to be in that book..just like their kids do. I realize she wasn't "real" to them, but this is My page..not theirs! This book is also for my grandparents who recognize Aubree as one of their great grandchildren and who have wanted a picture of her for a long time. I haven't been able to emotionally pull out the cd to have copies made for them..It is just too hard to see all of those pictures so I have yet to do it. I am going to let someone else do it so she can have them. I was just so offended that they even said anything at all. How can someone be so insensitive? Yeah, I recognize that some of my family barely (if at all) acknowledged her death to begin with, but seriously? Have a heart! So..if something would have happened to one of their children then they wouldn't be in the book either because it is just too sad? Yeah right..I'm sure that is different because they actually lived...She was very much alive to me! I was just so hurt, and still am that they even said anything at all. I am going to tell my grandmother that Aubree was in the book, but they requested she be taken out because it was just too sad..it's not like she took up an entire page..it was just a small picture! My mom replaced the red dragonfly picture (our red dragonfly) in place of the actual picture with a different quote. I understand she is still in the book in some way, but it is just not the same. I just wish that everyone could understand just how important my daughter is to me and how you can't just cut her out of my family because she isn't here...I am her voice, and I feel like I have failed to represent her in my family by not fighting harder..

A friend of mine got this for me, and I think it says it perfectly:
"Just the Same"
I never got to hold you and bounce you on
my lap, I never got to read to you
or watch you as you nap. You slipped
away so quickly, before I said your name.
And yet I want the world to
know I loved you just the same.
-Anne Peterson

A Big Sigh...

Today was my ultrasound that I have been dreading. I felt like I was going to throw up from both the anxiety and from all of the water you have to drink before you go in..I think making a pregnant woman drink 32 oz. of water an hour before the ultrasound is just plain torture! When we went in there the lady who called me back wasn't going to let Mike go with me..I told her we had clearance from the head of the department that he could go with me. She told us to sit back down while she went to ask..sure enough the head of the department came and got me and apologized for not letting her know ahead of time. Mike went in with me, and even just his presence helped calm my nerves a bit. As much as I enjoy the whole realm of pregnancy (in some ways), I am really hopeful that this is the last ultrasound I will ever have to get in regards to a baby..It is just too nerve-wracking!

She did all of her usual measurements while Mike and I watched my stomach moving all over the place. The technician kept commenting on how active this baby was..we could very easily see that on the outside! I guess he/she didn't like being pushed on! The baby looks perfectly fine right now..there are no flags at all! She showed me the umbilical cord (three vessels), the four chambers of the heart, and she told me the baby was measuring 24 weeks and 1 day with a due date of September 27th, which is exactly where I am right now!! Hooray!! Those words were music to my ears because Aubree was only measuring at about 24 weeks when I was 27 weeks pregnant! I just feel like I have been so blessed right now because God gave me the strength to get through it. It was so strange to be so nervous, but I felt such a sense of peace about the baby the whole time..I just knew that this baby was going to be ok..The baby is sort of vertical/transverse right now which isn't a big surprise to me because I had already guessed that based on where I feel kicks. I do have to say that the baby does not look comfortable because it is all folded in half with the feet up by the head! Oh well! It was hard to see the baby's face, but I do have to say that in one of the pictures we were very clearly able to see the profile and it looks a lot like Carley's face..It has the same shape..We shall see I guess..I am just so thankful that we have no flags thrown up right now! God is good!!

A Sad Sight..

On Tuesday I decided to take the kids swimming so we all packed up, and we decided to stop at the cemetery on the way to my aunt's house since I haven't been there since her birthday in February..gasp..I feel terribly about it, but the weather and our schedule has just not allowed for us to go since it is about an hour away. I was so excited to go and spend some time with her and to see her flowers in full bloom since my Foxglove is beautiful right now..When I got there the kids ran ahead, and by the time I go to her grave I felt like sobbing..Her flowers were gone..completely gone! It was like they never even existed. Her grave looked just like it did before we did anything to it. Even the bark mulch we had put down was gone. It was all there in February..how could it just be gone? I am not sure if it was mowed or if they weed-wacked too close to it or what, but her grave is sad. I went expecting to see some life, and all I saw was death. Mike said, "Well..that is reality." I just thought those flowers were so special because they bloomed for such a long time when they are supposed to be done blooming by the beginning of July..they shouldn't last until almost November out in a field where no one is taking care of them..Well..not really anyways..I was just devastated. It put me into even more a funk then I have been in lately. My kids were so upset about the fact that her cupcake was gone as were the flowers we had left for her. I am guessing they were hoping to eat her cupcake..

I know that they are just flowers, but I planted them for her, and they are gone..just another reminder of her loss. I feel like I am really starting to feel her loss more and more now that this baby is so active. Every kick brings me back to my pregnancy with her and how much I miss her. Seeing her grave just reminded me again of how gone she really is..I still keep looking for that dragonfly..I pray that it will show up as a comfort to me again..