Just Plain Offended..

I have kept my mouth shut, but I have boiled inside for a long time over this issue, and I think I have calmed down enough to actually write about it now. I went from an emotional high to an emotional low all in about a day last week. We have been working on a photo book with our entire family for my grandparent's 60th wedding anniversary on Shutterfly to give to them as a memento of our families over the years. Each family was given a few pages to showcase their family. My mom and I worked on our page together, and she encouraged me to include a picture of Aubree since my grandmother has requested one. I put my favorite picture in with a quote that allowed anyone looking at the book to know that she was always remembered and loved. We finished our page and then I was relieved to be done with my part..A few days later my mom was talking to some of our family, and basically through conversation told my mother that it was just too sad to look at that picture and it was supposed to be a happy book..In other words..take the picture out. So..they wanted to cut one of my kids out of My family page..She is my daughter and has every right to be in that book..just like their kids do. I realize she wasn't "real" to them, but this is My page..not theirs! This book is also for my grandparents who recognize Aubree as one of their great grandchildren and who have wanted a picture of her for a long time. I haven't been able to emotionally pull out the cd to have copies made for them..It is just too hard to see all of those pictures so I have yet to do it. I am going to let someone else do it so she can have them. I was just so offended that they even said anything at all. How can someone be so insensitive? Yeah, I recognize that some of my family barely (if at all) acknowledged her death to begin with, but seriously? Have a heart! So..if something would have happened to one of their children then they wouldn't be in the book either because it is just too sad? Yeah right..I'm sure that is different because they actually lived...She was very much alive to me! I was just so hurt, and still am that they even said anything at all. I am going to tell my grandmother that Aubree was in the book, but they requested she be taken out because it was just too sad..it's not like she took up an entire page..it was just a small picture! My mom replaced the red dragonfly picture (our red dragonfly) in place of the actual picture with a different quote. I understand she is still in the book in some way, but it is just not the same. I just wish that everyone could understand just how important my daughter is to me and how you can't just cut her out of my family because she isn't here...I am her voice, and I feel like I have failed to represent her in my family by not fighting harder..

A friend of mine got this for me, and I think it says it perfectly:
"Just the Same"
I never got to hold you and bounce you on
my lap, I never got to read to you
or watch you as you nap. You slipped
away so quickly, before I said your name.
And yet I want the world to
know I loved you just the same.
-Anne Peterson

A Big Sigh...

Today was my ultrasound that I have been dreading. I felt like I was going to throw up from both the anxiety and from all of the water you have to drink before you go in..I think making a pregnant woman drink 32 oz. of water an hour before the ultrasound is just plain torture! When we went in there the lady who called me back wasn't going to let Mike go with me..I told her we had clearance from the head of the department that he could go with me. She told us to sit back down while she went to ask..sure enough the head of the department came and got me and apologized for not letting her know ahead of time. Mike went in with me, and even just his presence helped calm my nerves a bit. As much as I enjoy the whole realm of pregnancy (in some ways), I am really hopeful that this is the last ultrasound I will ever have to get in regards to a baby..It is just too nerve-wracking!

She did all of her usual measurements while Mike and I watched my stomach moving all over the place. The technician kept commenting on how active this baby was..we could very easily see that on the outside! I guess he/she didn't like being pushed on! The baby looks perfectly fine right now..there are no flags at all! She showed me the umbilical cord (three vessels), the four chambers of the heart, and she told me the baby was measuring 24 weeks and 1 day with a due date of September 27th, which is exactly where I am right now!! Hooray!! Those words were music to my ears because Aubree was only measuring at about 24 weeks when I was 27 weeks pregnant! I just feel like I have been so blessed right now because God gave me the strength to get through it. It was so strange to be so nervous, but I felt such a sense of peace about the baby the whole time..I just knew that this baby was going to be ok..The baby is sort of vertical/transverse right now which isn't a big surprise to me because I had already guessed that based on where I feel kicks. I do have to say that the baby does not look comfortable because it is all folded in half with the feet up by the head! Oh well! It was hard to see the baby's face, but I do have to say that in one of the pictures we were very clearly able to see the profile and it looks a lot like Carley's face..It has the same shape..We shall see I guess..I am just so thankful that we have no flags thrown up right now! God is good!!

A Sad Sight..

On Tuesday I decided to take the kids swimming so we all packed up, and we decided to stop at the cemetery on the way to my aunt's house since I haven't been there since her birthday in February..gasp..I feel terribly about it, but the weather and our schedule has just not allowed for us to go since it is about an hour away. I was so excited to go and spend some time with her and to see her flowers in full bloom since my Foxglove is beautiful right now..When I got there the kids ran ahead, and by the time I go to her grave I felt like sobbing..Her flowers were gone..completely gone! It was like they never even existed. Her grave looked just like it did before we did anything to it. Even the bark mulch we had put down was gone. It was all there in February..how could it just be gone? I am not sure if it was mowed or if they weed-wacked too close to it or what, but her grave is sad. I went expecting to see some life, and all I saw was death. Mike said, "Well..that is reality." I just thought those flowers were so special because they bloomed for such a long time when they are supposed to be done blooming by the beginning of July..they shouldn't last until almost November out in a field where no one is taking care of them..Well..not really anyways..I was just devastated. It put me into even more a funk then I have been in lately. My kids were so upset about the fact that her cupcake was gone as were the flowers we had left for her. I am guessing they were hoping to eat her cupcake..

I know that they are just flowers, but I planted them for her, and they are gone..just another reminder of her loss. I feel like I am really starting to feel her loss more and more now that this baby is so active. Every kick brings me back to my pregnancy with her and how much I miss her. Seeing her grave just reminded me again of how gone she really is..I still keep looking for that dragonfly..I pray that it will show up as a comfort to me again..

Dread..

I had an appointment yesterday with my OB, and it all went well I guess. The baby has been very active, and I gained a lot of weight this month which is good since I haven't really gained too much up until now. I more then made up for it though! :) I knew I had a month like this coming! He did the usual measurements, but he didn't say if I was measuring on time or anything like he usually does...I'm sure he has not said it every time in the course of the last three babies that I had though either, but I am so paranoid that I'm not measuring where I should be because I have to worry about everything. My blood pressure was even elevated yesterday, and that never happens! I think it might have been elevated (not even enough for them to mention it) due to the fact that I knew he was going to schedule an ultrasound. I don't want one..I have been doing so well with this pregnancy because I am just going along thinking that everything is ok. I am relying on God to hold my hand through this, but I felt like I was the one who dropped His hand yesterday..I allowed fear to flood my thoughts. I hate that I have an ultrasound scheduled because it brings me right back to where I was in my pregnancy with Aubree..that dreaded ultrasound that changed my life forever. I am terrified of another ultrasound because of the possibility of something being wrong. I feel like I am going to worry until it is over. I am just thankful that Mike will be allowed to go in with me this time right from the beginning because of our previous experience. I don't know if I could do it alone. Just thinking about going to the hospital again for another ultrasound makes me sick to my stomach. My doctor said he wanted to check the placenta, but he circled intrauterine growth on the slip..which brings me back to my fear of not measuring correctly. I am sure that it is jut a normal ultrasound, and he probably circles that for all of the regular ones as the reason. I just worry because I can't seem to remember what it is like to have a normal, healthy baby. He told me he wanted to do the ultrasound to put my mind at ease as early as he can after I told him I didn't want to know..I seriously felt so at peace with this pregnancy until that darn ultrasound was scheduled..

15 Months..

Well, we are still here..I knew it wasn't going to happen yesterday because of what some man said, but the thought of actually getting to spend today with Aubree was pretty appealing! I just miss her so much, and I can't believe it has been 15 months already. I sometimes feel like it was just yesterday that she was the one kicking around in my belly..I can't help but remember her when this baby moves around or gives me a swift kick..I know that this baby is not her, but I can't help but feel like this baby is connected to her in some ways. I have no idea why that is...I know that all of my kids are connected in a way, but I just feel like Aubree is with me just as much as this baby is. I know she will always be in my heart and will always be missed so maybe that is why she seems to be here..I don't know. I was just sitting here thinking about her today, and I can't help but wonder when I will catch a glimpse of that red dragonfly..Missing her today like always. All my love sweetheart..

Are You Ready?

There has been some talk lately about rapture occurring this coming Saturday, May 21, 2011. I have looked into why they are saying that it will occur this Saturday because it interests me as to why we would know the day all of a sudden. I was always under the impression that it would be an unknown day to us, but according to many people it is this Saturday because of some ancient calendars and some dates that have been discussed in the Bible. I won't go into detail here about all of those dates, but the end of the world will then occur five months later on October 21, 2011. This whole scenario has made me think about my life and about all of those people around me that I fear do not know Jesus as their Lord and Savior. It sort of scares me and upsets me that I haven't done more to get them ready. Even if rapture doesn't occur this Saturday it could occur at any time, and I feel like I need to help those I love see the light so they don't miss out on an eternity in Heaven.

I think about whether or not I am ready..sure..it makes me sad to think about all that I will miss out on here, but when I think about that it seems so silly to even think that way. I certainly won't care about Earthly things once I get to be in a place where there is no sickness, no pain, no loss, and one of the most important things to me right now is that Heaven holds my children! I will finally get to be with them! I can't imagine the feeling of seeing Heaven and to be with Jesus forever. How awesome my life will truly be then. I of course worry about the dumb things like what will happen to my dogs? Do they get to come? What about my children who can't really comprehend what it means to ask Jesus in their hearts? They say they love Jesus, and they know a lot about Jesus and Heaven thanks to us, but..will they get to come with us too because they may not have made that choice just yet because they truly don't understand as a result of their age? I worry because I worry about everything! I can't help it! The thought of leaving my children behind scares the daylights out of me just like it scares the daylights out of me that there are so many people in my life that I probably won't ever see again. I am not God, and I have no idea how Judgment Day will go, but I do know that these people do not have any type of relationship with Jesus at all. I just feel this intense desire to change that, but I have no idea how to even begin to reach out to all of them when they haven't really been receptive to me before. I am the kind of person who doesn't want to push my beliefs on someone because I don't want to scare them away from what it means to be a Christian. I know a few people who are so strong in their faith who truly glow as a result, but they tend to scare others away from becoming Christians themselves because they think you have to be like that in order to be a Christian. I have always hoped that people take a look at my life and see how my faith has helped me handle whatever God has thrown my way. I want to be an example of how much better life can be when you have God at the center of it. I might not be very outspoken about my beliefs unless asked, but I truly hope that people know how much I love God.

I have to say that I feel much closer to God since Aubree was born even though I don't understand why it had to happen in the first place. I sort of feel so much more thankful for Him because He is taking care of her for me. I feel such peace just knowing that she is in such good hands. I miss her here, but I honestly feel like her life is so much better now. I can't be more thankful that she was welcomed with open arms into her Heavenly home that dreary day in February.

I have no idea if rapture will truly occur this coming Saturday, but it is coming..Are you ready for it? Are those around you ready for it? It could happen years from now or it could happen tomorrow..Either way we need to prepare ourselves and make sure we are ready for it to happen so we don't miss out the most wonderful thing in the world. My Pastor made a comment a few weeks ago in one of his sermons about Christianity. He said that we could all be wrong about eternity and that it could all just be a hoax, but is it worth not believing because if we are wrong then we will miss out on the best thing we will ever experience? He also stated that you aren't losing anything at all by believing..you live a much richer, fuller life as a result of your faith so what is the harm in believing? You can either believe and lose nothing or you can not believe and lose everything. I certainly don't want to take that chance..My life is so much better and so much richer because of my faith. I don't ever want to give that up..

"Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls." 1 Peter 1:8-9

I Will Never Forget..

I realize that today is International Babylost Mother's day, and my heart goes out to all of you fellow moms who have experienced any sort of loss during pregnancy or after..Mother's Day is really a difficult day for all of us, and I am so glad that we are given a day to celebrate the babies that are patiently waiting for us in Heaven. I have peace knowing that all of our children are well taken care of..

I really love my daughter like she is still here because a part of her is always with me. I knew her, and she is very real to me. I truly get offended when people mention that this is my third baby or that now I can move on...What? First of all..she was my third baby, and this baby is my fourth. How can you just forget a person ever existed? I realize that she was not as "real" to some people as she was to me because they never got to meet her, but I can prove to people that she was a "real" baby..just look at the pictures, remember what I looked like last January, just remember period!!! I can heal a bit more with time, but I don't think I will ever move on..I don't even want to move on. I am living my life without my daughter, but I am certainly not going to move on and forget about her. Yes, I am happy about this new baby, and yes I am happy about life in general right now, but that does not mean that she has been forgotten from my mind. Every single day I think about her several times a day in fact, and I still cry sometimes because I miss her so very much..I am not sure we can ever truly move on or even want to do that. We don't want to forget our children even if they brought so many tears with them. I want to remember her always no matter what life throws my way in the future. She was my third baby and she will ALWAYS be my third child..