Quiet...

Sorry I have been so quiet lately. I guess I just haven't had much to say, or maybe I didn't want to ramble on about how anxious I have become about everything. I am working on that at the moment both through prayer and with going back to therapy. I just can't keep on living like this, and my family needs me. I haven't exactly been a happy person, and I want to go back to the old me. I know that it might not be entirely possible, but I can get as close as I can hopefully! That is pretty much where I have been..Generalized Anxiety..I know that some of it could be postpartum stuff going on, but I want to truly enjoy everything with my family. At this point in my life I don't feel like I am there so I am going to attempt to get there...

As for everything else..my children are all doing very well in swimming and at school. Westyn is getting huge, and he is bringing me nothing but joy every single day. He is seriously the happiest baby who just loves life. I swear God knew what He was doing when He blessed us with him! I want time to stop so he will quit growing, but I know that isn't possible. It just makes me sad to think that he is my last baby, and it makes me sad that every single item of clothing that I pack up will never be worn by any of my children ever again..It is hard to realize that you have come to the end of that part of your life. I realize I have a lot to look forward to, but I am just such a baby person! I will miss this phase!

Our two year mark is coming up, and I still miss her every day...I do have to say that I have somehow made my peace with it all. Aubree was never meant to live here, but Westyn was. I would have loved to have known Aubree, but I would have hated to miss out on all that Westyn is..I have decided to just accept this, and to just enjoy him instead of feeling so guilty all of the time for everything..Not an easy thing to do at times, but I don't want to miss out on anything with this beautiful baby..

Sometimes I Just Can't Win...

We finally made it to Aubree's grave on the 23rd of December to celebrate Christmas with her. It was Westyn's first trip there, but I'm not sure he was even awake for a minute of it! Oh well. He has plenty of time to learn all about his big sister. We took her some Christmas cookies (Pudding Chip from Carley, Red Velvet from Parker, and the kids thought Westyn would want to give her a Turtle Truffle). I took her some red roses even though we have decided not to buy her expensive flowers anymore. We have decided to take the money we would spend on flowers and give a donation to Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep instead in her memory. We think that it is a better way to honor her at this point..Carley also left a note for her which made me cry of course..I was really sad to see that the stone I bought her (that was made out of concrete) completely disintegrated..go figure. Everything that I get for her seems to get destroyed somehow or seems to disappear...I just don't feel like I can win! I need to find something that is completely indestructible I guess..It just makes me so sad every single time I go there, and it looks like no one ever pays any attention to her based on the state of her grave..I couldn't give her anything in this life, and now I can't even seem to make her grave look nice..I know she doesn't care, but as her mother I do...I need her grave to look well-kept, and I need her to know that we still miss her every day and think about her constantly. The only way I can do that physically is to tend to her grave. I have been failing at that lately. I know that we have been busy and that her grave is about an hour or so away, but still...I wish I could see that beautiful grave that I saw that first year with the flowers that bloomed well past their bloom date..now all I see is dirt and ugliness which is exactly how I feel sometimes because she is gone..

The two year mark is approaching, and I am finding anxiety creeping back in. I miss her. Just the other night I was getting out a cake pan for my friend whose daughter is turning two next week..I had this picture flash through my head of what Aubree would be like at two..a little brown-haired, blue-eyed girl running around our house. I actually saw her in my mind..It sort of freaked me out because I wasn't expecting it. I was just getting out a cake pan! It made me sad, and then it made me really mad that I will never get to see her or hold her at this age. I will never get to make a cake for her second birthday for her. It really stinks...

So Very Blessed...

Yesterday was Westyn's Baptism, and it was beautiful in every way. It was a little emotional at times, but it was truly perfect. It started out by snowing on our way to church, and it made me think of Aubree of course. I almost felt like the snow was her way of saying that we had her blessing and that she was there with us. Our church started something new for baptisms so we had to write a letter to Westyn that we read in front of the church. Our letter was hard to write, but I feel like we said everything we needed to say to him in the one minute time frame that we had. We had so many family and friends there with us to celebrate his beautiful life. This is the letter we wrote to him:

"Rainbow Baby" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

Westyn, you are truly a rainbow in every sense, and we are very thankful that you are a part of our family. You have provided us with so much joy and emotional healing, and we look forward to watching you grow up into a man. You were an answer to so many prayers, and our lives feel very full now that you are here. We have so many hopes and dreams for you, but our biggest hope is that with God’s help we are able to nurture you and teach you in a loving environment so that you may make the decision to ask Jesus to come into your life some day. We commit to raising you in the church and to leading you by example so that you may know the peace, love, and joy that God will provide for you. God has been such an important part of our lives, and we hope that you will make Him an important part of yours as well so that all six of us may spend an eternity together in Heaven. We love you more then you will ever know, and we truly feel that God has blessed us with your presence in our family.

I would have loved to say more, but there is only so much time to express how I feel about him being in our family. The best part of yesterday was that our Pastor had asked us once we got to church if he could talk about Aubree. We were not prepared for that, but I was very honored that he wanted to talk about her since he is one of the few who held her. She changed him in many ways because she showed him that even in death (never having lived at all except in utero) she was still a child that needed to be remembered and honored. It was because of her that he honored another woman's twins who died at birth in her obituary. We spoke about being a family of six, and he commented about how standing in front of the congregation was only a family of five..he went on to tell a little bit of our story and about how we are examples of how you can find hope in all of life's situations. She was honored yesterday, and I felt so proud...I am not sure there was a dry eye in the congregation, but my church family got to hear about her on the day that her little brother was baptized. It was also amazing because we had many people there for his baptism who maybe were touched by Aubree too...It was such a perfect day...

Sometimes I Feel Like I Have Failed Her..

I have been feeling pretty down lately, and I know that is probably because Christmas is quickly approaching as is the two year mark in February. I feel like I am failing Aubree in so many ways...not getting flowers in her name at church this year, not visiting her grave, etc. To top it off I have blatantly not told people about her at times. Last weekend I went to the grocery store after church with Westyn, and I ran into my old tennis coach and her husband. They were so excited to meet Wes, and then she asked me how many children I had...I hesitated and finally said, "Three." She went on to ask me how old they were...I knew that was coming, and for some reason I didn't even say anything about Aubree. I didn't really want to get into it right then and there, but I felt so terrible about not saying, "Four." I cringe every time someone says I have two boys and a girl, but I don't correct them if I don't know them..I should ALWAYS acknowledge her, but there are times that it is just easier not to. I wish that I didn't even have to deal with this at times because I feel so torn. I really don't know what the right thing is to do sometimes. I don't really want a pity party, but I want people to know she existed. I can't seem to share her story without people feeling really sorry for me and then in turn making me sad all over again. I feel like I can't win sometimes...

We also decorated our tree this week so that of course unearthed a ton of ornaments that made me sad all over again. I came across the one from the funeral home, and it seriously just hit me like it had just happened. I sometimes can't believe that I even went through that. I am still standing, and I am getting better as each month passes. I think about that month that I knew she was going to die, and I can't even believe I was able to walk around and feel her moving around inside of me just knowing that she was going to die. I was just waiting for her to die so I could truly grieve instead of grieving and hoping at the same time..That time of my life was awful, and it seems like these thoughts just keep circulating around in my head these days. I truly feel like I need to honor her more and spend more time with her at her grave, but Mike keeps asking me why. He wants to know who I am doing that for..for herself or for me..I think it is a little bit of both. I need to spend time with her (even though I know she isn't really there), and I need to spend the time for me because I feel like a horrible mother when I don't give her the attention I think she deserves. I am trying to hard to keep her memory alive in our family, but I feel like I have failed her lately...

Not Much to Say...

I haven't really had much to say lately so I haven't been writing. I have been enjoying Westyn, and I have been busy with visits from friends and family. I am so thankful for all of the wonderful people we have in our lives who have embraced our family in both good times and in the bad times. I am very thankful for the people who still talk about Aubree and remember her with me even after Westyn has arrived. She is still on my mind a lot, and there are times when I look at Westyn and I can only see her..She is there, and I am always going to wonder what she would have been like at Westyn's age..I am heading into another holiday season without her, and I find that the holidays make me miss her even more. I think it also probably doesn't help that my kids have been asking some specific questions about Aubree such as "why did she die?" or "how did she die?" I even heard them telling my mother-in-law over the weekend that Aubree died in my belly..I know I am supposed to be honest with them, but I really don't want them telling complete strangers this so hopefully they won't just start talking about it even more. Parker asked me again this morning about Aubree's death on the way to pick up Carley from preschool. He was wondering if it was like how Jesus died on the cross..Death is so vague to them right now, and they just don't understand where they are at the moment. It is really hard to explain to a three-year-old! I sometimes wish that we didn't have to talk about Aubree dying, but that is the reality of our lives. She is not here with us, and the only way we can remember her is to talk about her even if it is hard sometimes...

Coincidence??

Over the weekend we celebrated two milestones..The 22nd marked Westyn's first month with us, and it also marked 20 months since Aubree left us. I am really starting to think that God had this planned all along..we were so busy being happy about Westyn being a month old that we barely had time to grieve that it has been that long since she left us. I hate that the day got away from me, and I barely had time to even think about where I was 20 months ago..I think that is all a part of His greater plan though..the 22nd is supposed to be a day of celebrating and not grieving. I should be celebrating that Aubree is in Heaven anyways instead of grieving the fact that she isn't here with us. I really think that Westyn resembles his sister, and maybe he does because God is showing me every single day that she is always going to be with us in one way or another. For that I am so very thankful..

Emotions..

There are just so many different emotions that I feel these days, and I know that part of it is hormones, but it is so hard to wrap my head around all of them sometimes. I am so in love with my new little guy, and I honestly can say that I feel really happy for the first time in a long time. That of course makes me feel terribly because I don't feel like I should be this happy since Aubree isn't here with us. I should still be missing her like crazy all of the time and wishing she was here with us. I do miss her, and I do wish she as here, but it doesn't consume my every thought anymore. I realize that Westyn was meant to be here with us and she wasn't, but it is still difficult to not want them both here. I can't imagine life with four five and under! :) I would have loved to have had the chance to experience it though. In reality though..if Aubree was here with us Westyn wouldn't be..I am just accepting that this is how it was meant to be because I would never in a million years ever choose who I would want because I want both..

I have been feeling terribly because I haven't been to her grave in a really long time. I was driving home from taking Carley to school the other day and a song came on the radio that really made me miss her. I was thankful that I just had the boys with me because they are both oblivious when I cry. Carley gets really anxious and upset when I cry so I was so thankful she wasn't with me to see that. Just thinking about Westyn and thinking about how Aubree (my baby) was in the ground just got to be too much for me. My poor baby is in the ground. I realize that she has no clue, but the thought of her being there just really got to me for some reason. I just miss her so much some days, and I can see so many of her features in Westyn's face. When he has his mouth hanging open he looks just like her..Mike and I have both admitted to closing his mouth because we can't look at him without tearing up a little..We did release balloons for her on Saturday, and I think that maybe just thinking about how that is all I can really do for her just pushed my buttons this weekend. We released red balloons because Parker thinks that is her favorite color. I have to agree..I am so glad that my kids haven't forgotten her, but I am also really glad that Westyn has brought emotional healing for us in so many ways. Carley is in love with him, and she is really starting to relax about things which is great! I feel like I am becoming more relaxed as well which is good for all of us. I just wish I didn't have to feel guilty for being so happy. I know that Aubree doesn't want me to be sad, but I can't help the way I feel. I feel like I will always have these conflicting emotions at times, but I know that this was the plan for my life. I need to just be 100% accepting of how our lives are working out. I just feel so very blessed to be the mom of four beautiful children...