My Heart Is Broken

I am devastated and completely numb right now.  One of my very close friends just joined this horrible club we all belong to, and I am completely at a loss for how to help her since nothing can be said or done to take the pain away.  She had such a difficult time getting pregnant and her pregnancy was maybe blissful for about a second since she had some issues crop up in the second trimester that made the doctors monitor her three times a week for the remainder of her pregnancy.  Things were looking great for her, and she was finally able to get excited about meeting her little baby.  She went in on Saturday for her scheduled NST, and on the way there the baby was moving all around.  She goes and gets hooked up to the NST to find out there is no more heartbeat.  She delivered her little girl, Kara Elise, yesterday morning at 8:21 AM.  She is finding peace in that she is playing with her cousin (her sister had a stillborn too) and Aubree in Heaven.  She was almost 38 weeks pregnant.  It was a cord accident that evidently caused her death.  I just don't understand.  Why did this have to happen to her too?  She had been praying so hard for a baby because she wanted to be a mother so badly.  I just don't get it. 

I have been trying to help her as much as I can via text message because she isn't up to talking which I completely get.  The information leaked to most of our other friends either last night or today so everyone has been asking what they can do to help her.  She is still in the hospital because the placenta didn't detach so she had to go in for surgery to remove it.  I know that can be pretty common in stillbirths because my doctor said he was worried about that happening with me.  I keep telling everyone that they just need to pray for her right now because we can't really do anything.  She is going to need all of us immensely at some point here, but we just can't do anything or say anything right now to help.  It is an awful place to be in, but it is the truth.  I know how I felt, and I have gathered that she feels the same way right now.  She just needs her time to process all of this. 

I just wish I could wake up from this nightmare and that she isn't really going through this.  I hate that she has to begin this horrible journey.  I am trying to compile a list of all that was helpful to me through those dark days, but my memory is shot.  I think I must have blocked it all out.  I can vaguely recall trying to find something to bury her in and such.  I just don't remember much else...Nothing seemed important.  I can recall the things that I hated though..all of the flowers that kept coming.  They did nothing but make me mad because they couldn't make up for the fact that she was gone.  I know they are supposed to bring happiness, but they just made me mad because I should have been getting flowers that had "Congratulations" on them instead of "In Sympathy." 

If anyone has any advice at all on how to help her please pass it along..she has no living children as this was her first so please help me help her..I had two kids who dragged me out of bed in the mornings.  She has no one to do that so this will be even harder for her.  Please just pray for her.  Her name is Stephanie and her husband's name is Mark.  My heart is just broken for them because I know how she feels right now, and it is the worst feeling in the world...I have been sending her a few songs and a few books that have helped me, but as we all know there is just nothing out there that can take away the empty feeling you have when baby is no longer in your belly or your arms..

On a brighter note..we went to Aubree's grave yesterday, and we saw a dragonfly (Mike did).  It was apparently hovering over us, and by the time we left there were two...I told Stephanie that Aubree just gained a best friend...She liked that thought too..

Life And A Prayer Request

I feel like I have been having more and more triggers lately, and it is driving me crazy.  My therapist believes I never fully dealt with my guilt because I didn't have time to.  I had two little kids that I had to get out of bed for every morning, and then we moved into our house.  We threw all of our energy into unpacking, doing the landscaping, and putting in our yard.  That was seriously all we did, and we never stopped going...I never gave myself time to fully grieve.  I have to do that with her at my next appointment.  We have to go back to the day that I was given bad news at my ultrasound and deal with my emotions again..Fun times!!  I hope it helps me get through this spot I find myself stuck in. 

I know this is ridiculous, but do you ever wish you could simply take a name off of the market?  I have recently just seen a little girl named Aubree's pictures of when she turned one.  Of course she has dark hair, and is adorable...Why in the world does her name have to be Aubree?  That is my baby's name, and that is my spelling...Ridiculous, but I can't help but feel that way..I just feel like you shouldn't be allowed to name your baby a name of a deceased baby even though they have no clue..I know other people feel the same way as me so I know I am not 100% crazy!  :)

I just can't believe how quickly time is flying.  Westyn is nine months already..Aubree has been gone for 28 months already...Parker is four...Carley is five!  I just can't believe we are approaching the end of June already.  Carley will be starting kindergarten in the fall.  She is so excited..I am going to miss her..  I know this is going to be great for her, but we are going to miss having her around.  She is such a great little helper for me, and Parker loves playing with her.  He is going to be lost without her next year.  Westyn will be getting into all of his stuff so he won't be too thrilled with him unfortunately!  :)  I sure do love summer..the lazy days where there feels like there is little stress.  I like the stress that only involves getting to the pool on time to meet some friends! 

I have a prayer request too..one of my girlfriends is pregnant and due in August, but her baby has been showing some slowed growth.  She has to be monitored three times a week by a specialist so they are obviously worried about what is going on.  She has no clue why the baby's growth is decreasing in percentiles, but it could be any number of things.  I am praying for an inadequate placenta or nothing...instead of the various syndromes they have mentioned...This is her first child, and it took them a really long time to get pregnant.  Please just pray that all goes well for my friend Stephanie and her little baby.  Thanks in advance for praying for her!  She truly deserves all of the happiness in the world..The first time I ever met her she gave me a book on loss that apparently helped her sister when her sister had a stillborn.  (yeah..so sad)  She didn't know me, but she had heard of my story so she reached out to me that day...She is such a special person, and I want the best for her.  Praying so hard...

Shame on Him...

I have been struggling with a variety of emotions since Westyn's birth, and I have been suffering from anxiety attacks as a result.  I have been doing better at times with managing my emotions, but there are times that just set me back to where I started from.  I understand that I am still grieving 27 months later in some ways because certain triggers are hitting me hard all over again.  For example..I was looking for a hat for Westyn the other day on Old Navy's website, but I could not get past the baby girl's sale section for some reason.  I kept clicking on boy, but it brought up girl...I saw all of those adorable clothes that I will never get to wear on her.  I can usually go into a store and see that stuff and not be affected, but that is not the case right now.  Mother's Day was hard this year for some reason.  It was the first time I really sat down and wanted her to be with us too...not just a thought of her being with us..actually wanted her here..like right now!  I could picture her in the mix with the other three.  How crazy and fun that would be...Anyways.  Like I said, I have been having a tough time so I went to my OB to talk to him about some of the physical symptoms I was having.  He was very rushed because he had to deliver a baby (so rushed that he kept getting pages) so he wasn't really listening to me as well as he could have been.  He said he would talk to a friend and get back to me..Almost a week later I get a call from him, and he wants me to see this psychiatrist immediately.  I couldn't drop everything and go there since I have three children so I scheduled with him about two weeks later.  I went to see that man last Weds., and I am ticked...

He of course has never met me before, but he got the very rushed referral from my OB.  He asked me what was going on, and before I could even really talk he told me to cut the "bullshit."  Wow..Nice to meet you too!  He had me crying within minutes, and made me feel like I was a threat to myself and to my children.  He repeatedly said that I will never forgive myself if something happens if I refuse medication.  I argued with him for over an hour, and he of course made me well aware of that.  I just don't understand how he could meet me, and within a few minutes tell me that I had three different things going on.  I asked him how he knew that since he just met me, and he told me that he "was just that good at his job."  He made me doubt myself, and I became deathly afraid that he could be right even though I had never once had a psychotic feeling.   He diagnosed me with something that isn't even in the DSM.  I was a mess of course, and I called my therapist to get her opinion.  She laughed when I told her what he said.  She said she has never once thought I was psychotic, and to not believe what he said about me.  She told me that she has heard of many other people that he has done this to unfortunately.  He seriously told me to go home and tell my husband what "a dick he was."  Wow..I don't use language like that for one, and for him to use it without even knowing me was very unprofessional.  He also told me that praying wouldn't do anything..wow..what does he know?  How does he think he has a right to treat someone like that?  I am sensitive enough as it is..why make it worse and make me doubt my abilities even more?  Anyways.  I decided to get a second opinion.  I will not allow that man anywhere near me! 

After having an awesome session with my therapist we have decided to try hypnosis for my anxiety and post partum OCD that I am experiencing (which is actually more common after trauma).  He made me feel like what I had was rare!  Anyways..I am feeling so much better, and I am not going to believe what that man said about me.  I just hate to think that he did this to other people too..Shame on him for giving psychiatry a bad taste in my mouth.  Shame on him for degrading me (he made sure I felt pretty stupid for not being willing to give up nursing Westyn).  Shame on him for feeling like he is "just that good at his job."  Apparently he is the opposite...

Anyways..on a better note today marks 8 months for Westyn aka crazy pants.  He is a ray of sunshine, and he is full of mischief, but he is my handsome little man.  I love him to pieces, and I am so thankful that I get to be his mom.   Parker had his graduation from the three-year-old program this morning at preschool.  I had tears in my eyes..my first little man is already finished with his first year of preschool.  It just went so quickly! Carley's program is tomorrow.  I doubt I will be able to hold it together at all because this is it for her..she is on to kindergarten next year.  My little baby is going to kindergarten.  How did that happen?  She is so excited, and I am excited for her, but I am sure going to miss having her around all of the time next year.  It will be so quiet and there will be way too many boys!  :)  She helps even it out during the day! :) 

All in all..I am ok, I will be ok, and I am not going to allow that man to define who I am.  I certainly can pray about it, and God will help me through this regardless of what he thinks! 

Sigh..

I have been silent for so long for so many reasons, but I have felt the need to come back and at least fill you all in on some of the reasons as to why I have been so quiet! I have been struggling with anxiety since Aubree died, and it hit it's peak around January of this year. I have been struggling with that on top of raising three kids and hoping that I don't pass out at any given moment from exhaustion. I haven't been feeling like myself at all so I decided to try doing something for just me. I decided to sell Thirty-One after talking to several people about the company and their products. They are a Christian-based company based on Proverbs 31. I thought they might be a good fit for me so I signed myself up before I ever owned any of their products! Since becoming a consultant I have found some peace through distraction. I truly love my job because it is fun, and I can make my own hours and socialize with people who know NOTHING about me. It is great! I have also started to realize that I am suffering from some postpartum depression. I never thought I was, but my husband so kindly pointed out that he can recall three days that I have been happy...Three days..I sort of feel emotionless most of the time, and I have a hard time getting excited about things, but I thought it was just because I was so tired. Tired all of the time...I have had all of the signs, but I just attributed them to other things. I decided that I don't want to live like this anymore so I made two appointments for myself. I already saw my therapist, and I will see my OB on Thursday to see what he thinks. I just know that it is exhausting feeling like this all of the time. I am ready to feel a little bit like the old Amanda again. I have never dealt with this before so this has all been new to me. I felt fine after my other kids. I think it has been so hard for me to identify because I can't really tell the difference between my grief and the depression. It is hard because I have to work at being happy. We went on vacation a week or so ago, and I had a panic attack on vacation..I was supposed to be relaxed! My panic attacks are coming more frequently, and I am even nervous in crowds now. Not healthy. I am on a journey to become happy again..to feel emotions again. So that is where I have been...My kids are great though. Carley was registered for kindergarten this morning..I just can't believe she is there already. Parker is having fun playing soccer (he is so aggressive and fun to watch). Westyn is a joy. He is currently growing a red mohawk, and I love it! He is seven months now, and I think he is the craziest one of the bunch. Thank goodness he has so many smiles for me every day. He makes me feel so loved! I am on a mission to a healthier, happier me!

Two Years..

It has been two whole years since Aubree left my body and my arms. I just can't believe it has been that long already. It feels like yesterday, and it feels like a lifetime ago. These past two years have been a whirlwind of activity, emotions, and learning to live again without a child we expected to join our family. Sometimes her absence is suffocating, and I feel guilty for being happy about anything because how I can I be happy when she isn't here? I have learned to give up the guilt though and to just be thankful. I am so very thankful for Westyn, and if she was here he wouldn't be. I felt so guilty for so long trying to weigh that all out, but I just decided to give it up because this is how it was meant to be from day 1. Aubree is a part of our family, but she is just the lucky one who gets to be with her Heavenly Father first..There isn't a day that goes by that her name or her image doesn't cross my mind about a million times, but it isn't as painful as it once was to think of her or to say her name. She will always be my daughter even if she doesn't get to grow up in front of my very eyes. I can see her and what she would look like because she looked so much like Carley. I imagine that she would have been just like her big sister and just as crazy as her brother!

When I was pregnant with Aubree I was so in tune with her. I knew she was a girl, and I knew something just wasn't right from the beginning. I was also very certain that she had red hair. I was very wrong about that though, but Westyn most certainly has red hair. When I look at him I see her, and I feel her presence with us. She is there, and every time he smiles I feel like she is smiling down on us too. She is happy, my kids are happy, and that in turns makes me happy. When I walk into a room and I get a squeal and a smile that is worth a thousand words I can't help but be filled with joy. He is loving me for both of them. Today I want to thank Aubree for being my daughter, for helping me to become a better person, and for showing me true joy in the form of a happy, beautiful, baby boy.

I have been hearing "I Will Carry You" everywhere lately, and I swear it is a message to me. I have struggled with moving on because I feel that means that I am forgetting. I don't know how to move on without putting it all behind me which makes me feel like I would have to put her behind me which is not something I want to do. That song has been reminding me that I will always carry her long after she is gone. I am always going to be her mother no matter what. I can pick up and go on with my life, but I will always be carrying her with me...

I am sending all of my love today to you sweet girl. I miss you and love you more than I can even say, but I know that you already know what is in my heart. I hope that your day is full of peace just like mine is because I know that you are the lucky one...

Quiet...

Sorry I have been so quiet lately. I guess I just haven't had much to say, or maybe I didn't want to ramble on about how anxious I have become about everything. I am working on that at the moment both through prayer and with going back to therapy. I just can't keep on living like this, and my family needs me. I haven't exactly been a happy person, and I want to go back to the old me. I know that it might not be entirely possible, but I can get as close as I can hopefully! That is pretty much where I have been..Generalized Anxiety..I know that some of it could be postpartum stuff going on, but I want to truly enjoy everything with my family. At this point in my life I don't feel like I am there so I am going to attempt to get there...

As for everything else..my children are all doing very well in swimming and at school. Westyn is getting huge, and he is bringing me nothing but joy every single day. He is seriously the happiest baby who just loves life. I swear God knew what He was doing when He blessed us with him! I want time to stop so he will quit growing, but I know that isn't possible. It just makes me sad to think that he is my last baby, and it makes me sad that every single item of clothing that I pack up will never be worn by any of my children ever again..It is hard to realize that you have come to the end of that part of your life. I realize I have a lot to look forward to, but I am just such a baby person! I will miss this phase!

Our two year mark is coming up, and I still miss her every day...I do have to say that I have somehow made my peace with it all. Aubree was never meant to live here, but Westyn was. I would have loved to have known Aubree, but I would have hated to miss out on all that Westyn is..I have decided to just accept this, and to just enjoy him instead of feeling so guilty all of the time for everything..Not an easy thing to do at times, but I don't want to miss out on anything with this beautiful baby..

Sometimes I Just Can't Win...

We finally made it to Aubree's grave on the 23rd of December to celebrate Christmas with her. It was Westyn's first trip there, but I'm not sure he was even awake for a minute of it! Oh well. He has plenty of time to learn all about his big sister. We took her some Christmas cookies (Pudding Chip from Carley, Red Velvet from Parker, and the kids thought Westyn would want to give her a Turtle Truffle). I took her some red roses even though we have decided not to buy her expensive flowers anymore. We have decided to take the money we would spend on flowers and give a donation to Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep instead in her memory. We think that it is a better way to honor her at this point..Carley also left a note for her which made me cry of course..I was really sad to see that the stone I bought her (that was made out of concrete) completely disintegrated..go figure. Everything that I get for her seems to get destroyed somehow or seems to disappear...I just don't feel like I can win! I need to find something that is completely indestructible I guess..It just makes me so sad every single time I go there, and it looks like no one ever pays any attention to her based on the state of her grave..I couldn't give her anything in this life, and now I can't even seem to make her grave look nice..I know she doesn't care, but as her mother I do...I need her grave to look well-kept, and I need her to know that we still miss her every day and think about her constantly. The only way I can do that physically is to tend to her grave. I have been failing at that lately. I know that we have been busy and that her grave is about an hour or so away, but still...I wish I could see that beautiful grave that I saw that first year with the flowers that bloomed well past their bloom date..now all I see is dirt and ugliness which is exactly how I feel sometimes because she is gone..

The two year mark is approaching, and I am finding anxiety creeping back in. I miss her. Just the other night I was getting out a cake pan for my friend whose daughter is turning two next week..I had this picture flash through my head of what Aubree would be like at two..a little brown-haired, blue-eyed girl running around our house. I actually saw her in my mind..It sort of freaked me out because I wasn't expecting it. I was just getting out a cake pan! It made me sad, and then it made me really mad that I will never get to see her or hold her at this age. I will never get to make a cake for her second birthday for her. It really stinks...