And Out of the Blue...

I just read a post a few days ago by a friend who talked about triggers. I was thinking about how I haven't had any lately, and I was feeling pretty good that I was doing so well!  I was baking a cake this morning in the kitchen for a friend who just had a baby, and I was dancing around my kitchen to my iTunes.  It was on shuffle on the iPad so I wasn't really paying any attention to what music was coming up.  All of a sudden "Visitor From Heaven" by Twila Paris came on.  I stopped dead in my tracks as tears began to roll down my face.  I completely forgot about that song, and it brought me back to the day of Aubree's funeral.  It also made me think of my friend's daughter.  I cried for both of our girls this morning.  I haven't cried in so long, but this song triggered the memory of her funeral.  It just makes me so sad to think that we never had the chance to be their mothers here on Earth.  I am so thankful for my other children, but I still wanted to be her mother here too..  Sometimes I think I can imagine her playing with my other kids in her whole form..not sick, not in any pain, and just beautiful.  I like to think about matching her in outfits with Carley like I do with the boys.   It really hurts to grow a child that you can't keep and to hold a child in your arms that you have to hand over to a nurse to give to a funeral director.  It changes you, and the only way you are going to be able to see a future for yourself without your child is to have faith that you will see that child again.  Darn trigger...