Running..

A few weeks ago I started running.  I used to run in high school for the track team, and ran some in college just for fun.  I have run off and on for a few years, but I have never really been that serious about it.  I considered training for a half marathon just for the heck of it with one of my friends.  We decided to run on Monday mornings after the kids were in school.  I just run with Westyn, and thankfully he loves it!  I started out slow, but I am now up to 6 miles.  I am loving it, and the feeling that it gives me is awesome.  I feel like I am running from all of my anxiety and stress.  It has been very helpful in so many ways. Why didn't I do this before?  Maybe it would have helped me when I was at my worst.  I don't know.  It feels like I am running from my own demons which have plagued me for so long.  There is nothing better than strapping on those headphones and just taking off to a time where I don't have to think about anything negative.  I get to just think, clear my head, get lost in the music...On that note I am really loving the song "Feel Again" by OneRepublic. I know it is about a woman, but it reminds me so much of Westyn and how he gave me that feeling again...I feel like he has allowed me to truly "feel again."  

Westyn turned a year old. I am happy, but I'm sad.  No more babies for me, and I love babies.  I hate thinking that part of my life is over because it makes me feel so old.  I already feel old as it is.  Aubree's death played a toll on my body.  Having a baby made me feel younger in a way..now I don't even have that any more.  Sometimes I look in the mirror, and I can't even recognize myself.  Have I always looked like this?  I know that I will enjoy the new phases of life that we are coming into, but it is still hard to close the door on pregnancy even if it was tough on my legs and on my mental state.

I hate this weather...I love the colors, smells, and just plain beauty of fall, but I hate the feeling of it.  Everything is dying, and it makes me anxious because it means that winter is coming.  As much as I love the snow I can't stand how winter makes me feel.  Cold, sad, empty...So..I am off to strap on those headphones and run from the feeling that seems to be settling into my bones this week...