Three Years

I still can't believe it has been three years already and at other times it feels like a lifetime ago.  Westyn turned 17 months today so it seems like an eternity ago that I was pregnant with her.  It's amazing how much can change in three short years.  I feel like I am getting better in the way that handle my grief, but it still is always there.  Everyone keeps asking me how I am doing today.  I am ok.  It is just another day...I miss her every day, but today just makes me miss her that much more because I have to sing "Happy Birthday" to a grave instead of to the beautiful little girl anxiously awaiting her birthday cake. 

I often wonder what she would be like at three.  What would her personality be like..would she be like my daughter and not be into girly things or would she be the one who just loves princesses.  I will never know.  It sucks that I will never know.  All of these things that so many people take for granted.  I know that there are people out there who don't, but there are way too many who do take the little things for granted.  It's sad.  I find myself kissing my kids just because I feel like it or when I walk past them.  Even if they get nothing else from me they will know that they were loved.  I hope they feel that. 

I have been reminiscing this week.  Listening to the music we played at her funeral without turning it off immediately, listening to the song that we got her name from, and watching the slideshow that our NILMDTS photographer made of the pictures she took.  I spent a week crying, but I know that is ok.  I don't do it all of the time, but I needed to this week.  I needed to be reminded of her beauty and of how she changed my life. She was a gift to me even if I didn't get to keep her for long.  I am so thankful for all of the kind words that everyone has shared today and the warm thoughts and hugs.  It really means a lot to me.

Life goes on...and I will still miss her every day.  I am just so glad that I got to spend some time with her today even if it was freezing rain on me.  I hope she enjoys her red tulips.  Perfect love is the meaning of the red tulip, and I think that is very fitting to our relationship.  Happy 3rd Birthday sweet girl.  Mommy loves you...