Just Something To Think About..

It has been a while, but I feel the need to write.  Life these past few months has been as crazy as usual with a toddler who is pushing buttons to see how far he can go, a preschooler who has decided he doesn't like school, and a kindergarten student who has all of a sudden blossomed into a social butterfly.  I am enjoying these moments even if my anxiety has been returning in small waves.  Speaking of anxiety...I don't want to offend anyone in the mental health field with those post because I truly do think there is a need for drugs and such for certain people...but not everyone..

It has been about a year since I saw that terrible doctor who said terrible things about the state of my mental health.  He wanted to put me on several different drugs in order to keep me from "doing something I would regret to either myself or my children."  It has been a year, and I have never taken a single drug...He seemed to know what I needed in those first five minutes of meeting him because he was "just that good at his job."  Really?  Did I really need those drugs when I am functioning even better than I was at that time without the use of anything?  I have been taking Lemon Balm for my anxiety, but that is just a calming herb.  It has just made me think about how many people out there are taking drugs they don't really need.  Talking to a therapist seriously did the trick for me..Talking can be the best medicine for some of us...not all of us, but there are way too many people out there who are being prescribed things they don't need.  It just makes me sad for them.  What if I had listened to him and had just gone along with his plan just trusting that he really was just that good at his job?  It just makes me so angry that we go to people in a fragile state just coming out feeling much worse thinking that we might harm ourselves or others if we don't take the drugs they think will help us.  I can understand really needing them if you have been working with someone for a while and talking is just not helping you at all..but just meeting someone for an hour and within a few minutes labeling them?  That just isn't right!  There is definitely a place for antidepressants, anti anxiety medicines, etc., but it might not the answer for everyone.  I just wish they would take more time listening to people instead of just throwing prescriptions in their faces and making them feel like they really need to take them if they want to stay sane.  That sort of sounds like bullying to me...

I am well...I am happy for the most part.  I have been getting back in touch with my feelings again after shoving them down for a long time.  I am learning to be content, and I am learning to not be so afraid of just being the real me no matter who I might lose as a friend.  I have discovered that I am secretly a country girl.  I like living in the country, but I am starting to feel the part..I want chickens, a goat, etc.  Yes...I want to raise some animals.  I have no idea where this came from, but I am finding such joy in frogs, tadpoles, etc.  I am letting my hair down (not really since it is up every day these days), but I am just loving not caring about what everyone else might think if I truly turn into a country girl. :)  Let them think I am crazy!  I know a lot of people already think I am crazy for letting my dogs sleep in bed with me!  :) 

I just felt the need to remind you to just be an advocate for yourself.  Doctors do not always know you better than you know yourself.  There are times when they do, but they aren't always "just that good at their jobs." 

Three Years

I still can't believe it has been three years already and at other times it feels like a lifetime ago.  Westyn turned 17 months today so it seems like an eternity ago that I was pregnant with her.  It's amazing how much can change in three short years.  I feel like I am getting better in the way that handle my grief, but it still is always there.  Everyone keeps asking me how I am doing today.  I am ok.  It is just another day...I miss her every day, but today just makes me miss her that much more because I have to sing "Happy Birthday" to a grave instead of to the beautiful little girl anxiously awaiting her birthday cake. 

I often wonder what she would be like at three.  What would her personality be like..would she be like my daughter and not be into girly things or would she be the one who just loves princesses.  I will never know.  It sucks that I will never know.  All of these things that so many people take for granted.  I know that there are people out there who don't, but there are way too many who do take the little things for granted.  It's sad.  I find myself kissing my kids just because I feel like it or when I walk past them.  Even if they get nothing else from me they will know that they were loved.  I hope they feel that. 

I have been reminiscing this week.  Listening to the music we played at her funeral without turning it off immediately, listening to the song that we got her name from, and watching the slideshow that our NILMDTS photographer made of the pictures she took.  I spent a week crying, but I know that is ok.  I don't do it all of the time, but I needed to this week.  I needed to be reminded of her beauty and of how she changed my life. She was a gift to me even if I didn't get to keep her for long.  I am so thankful for all of the kind words that everyone has shared today and the warm thoughts and hugs.  It really means a lot to me.

Life goes on...and I will still miss her every day.  I am just so glad that I got to spend some time with her today even if it was freezing rain on me.  I hope she enjoys her red tulips.  Perfect love is the meaning of the red tulip, and I think that is very fitting to our relationship.  Happy 3rd Birthday sweet girl.  Mommy loves you...

Unfair..

I am subscribed to Trisomy 18's feed on Facebook, and I just recently read this article they posted about this little boy who was not expected to live past two months who just turned six last month.  The mother of this little boy had written this article to praise a few men who took the time to give her son a wonderful time skiing.  His special education class apparently went to a ski resort, and while they were there the mother got hooked up with two men who agreed to take her son's sled on a few runs.  She described the men as men who were not afraid of much so she is almost positive he wasn't staying on the bunny slope!  She said that the squeals of delight coming from her son were just amazing.  They came down and asked her if they could take him again.  She agreed of course.  She just wanted to thank the two men who were so wonderful with her son.  I am reading this article with tears streaming down my face because the ski resort just happens to be my favorite ski resort which is Durango Mountain Resort in Colorado.  It just reminded me that I never got to take Aubree skiing, and I never got to experience that.  Sure, I am glad that mother had the opportunity, but it just seems so unfair.  I am sure her life has not been easy these past six years, but she has had six years!  I would have given anything to just have been given six minutes...To let my family hold her and let her how know how much she was loved.  Maybe my kids could have really held her and told her they loved her.   We could have sent her off in love.  Sometimes it just seems so unfair.  I know many people think it was easier this way, but it really wasn't.  When you never get to lock eyes with your own child and hold them while they are breathing you would understand, but as her mother I grieved that I never got to do that.  I understood she was not meant to live, but that does not mean that I didn't want to experience even a part of life with her. 

As I get closer to the 22nd I realize how long it has been since she has been with me...three years.  It seems like yesterday and it seems like ages ago...I still miss her so much. 

When Life Was Different..

Three years ago my life was much different than it is today.  I walked into the hospital for a routine ultrasound on a very cold day much like today.  I remember telling Mike how nervous I was.  He couldn't understand my fears, but I just knew that something wasn't right.  Hours later my fears were confirmed, and my life was over as I knew it.  I was that person who had something wrong with her baby, but they couldn't tell me what at that point.  It took a few weeks before I learned the extent.  Even knowing that something was wrong was completely different than finding out that your baby is going to die, but you just didn't know when.  Boy...what a fun month that was.  Three years ago seems like such a long time yet I can still remember it like it was yesterday. 

I remember not being able to talk, and I wasn't even sure I could drive home because I was crying so hard.  Mike wasn't sure if I could make it either.  I remember calling my mom, but she couldn't understand me through the tears.  I also remember sitting by the fireplace at my mom's just willing this to all be a nightmare.  I was so numb and so sad...The unknown was too much to handle.  I went from a blissful life to a life I didn't understand or want to experience.  Things weren't easy anymore.  I started to worry about everything.  I went from pretty chill as a mom to overly worried about the little things.  I am still working on that today although I am much better.  Anxiety took up residence in my life...just waiting for the day that my child would be taken from this world.  I tried to see the beauty in every minute with her, but I kept fighting the heartbreak that was always there.  How could I be carrying a child that was meant to die?  My hopes and dreams for her went down the toilet.  This little girl that I carried inside of me that was so alive was never meant to walk on this Earth.  I was so sick with her at the beginning of my pregnancy..went through horrible throbbing veins with her, had to just wait for her to stop moving...Not one minute after January 22nd was spent being happy until the next year rolled around...exactly one year later..Isobel was born, and I found out I was pregnant again..Westyn showed his presence very early on the morning on January 22nd in 2011..Was it a coincidence?  I don't think so..I truly believe that Aubree sent me a gift since that day the year before was so horrible.   I hate this day so much yet I have had so much beauty come out of it too.  Three years...I just can't believe that it was three years ago.  I still miss her every day, and I often wonder what her almost three year-old self would be like...

Today was just another day...a day of fevers with Westyn, and a bus accident for Carley.  Why did it all happen today?  I wonder if God is still testing me.  Why couldn't today just have been peaceful and full of love for all that I have instead of worrying and worrying about the things that are out of my control?  Carley is ok, and Westyn is just fine, but I still wonder...

Too Much Sadness..

Here we are just a few days from Christmas, and I can't stop crying about the tragedy that occurred last week. It has really hit me hard for some reason..is it because I know what it is like to bury a child, is it because I have a six-year-old and know the innocence of that age, is it because I have to live in such a cruel, evil, world?  I don't know..I just know that I am not taking anything for granted any more.  I love my daughter, but every day she gets on the bus I etch her face into my brain just in case I never get to see her smiling face again.  I worry until the minute she is safe in my arms.  I tell her a million times a day how much I love her.  I want her to know..no...I NEED her to know how much I love her.  My anxiety has returned thanks to evil in this world.  I am trying to stay calm, but this month is just tough....With everything that has happened recently I can't help but be anxious about everything.  Will someone break in to our house again?  Will Carley be ok at school?  Will Mike make it home from work today?  Blah...I can't stand feeling this way.  Thank goodness I have running to keep me sane! 

I am having a tough time today too for some reason.  I am really missing her.  I know this is a trigger month for me because it was the last month I had before my world was turned upside down.  I hate new years because you never know what is coming.  I know I need to focus on today instead of tomorrow, but it isn't always that easy when your innocence was taken right out from underneath you!  It is snowing today too...that makes me think of her and miss her even more.  Sometimes it is hard to believe that it has almost been three years.  How did three years come and go?  Why is it so hard still at times?  I guess that is just how the holidays might always be for me.  I am not grieving in the same way that I was before, but I still grieve her.  I still miss the idea of her.  I can't help it.  I wish so much that things could have been different and that I could have had both of my children.  I think Aubree and Westyn would have been a mischievous pair!  Some day I can see my whole family as one, but until that day comes I need to find my inner peace so I don't drive myself crazy with anxiety about that what-ifs! 

I hope that all of you have a very Merry Christmas.  For those of you that are in the same boat as me this year...just try to remember that they get to actually sing "Happy Birthday" to Jesus himself!  That thought makes me smile and makes me grateful that she does not have to endure the evil that is so very present in our society right now..Many blessings to you and yours in 2013! 

Imperfection..

Life around here has been swell...I mean really great...Can you read the sarcasm there?  No..it hasn't been all bad.  Just a little rough.  I am so full of emotion right now, and I can't even write what I want to in fear of making people mad.  That is irritating in itself!  Anyways..I am not perfect, nor have I ever been perfect, and I will never be perfect.  I hate admitting that I try to be "perfect" for myself, but I am always let down because I can never be what I think "perfect" is.  I have always had to look a certain way before I leave the house, but now I wouldn't be surprised if  "What Not To Wear" showed up at my house.  I don't think they would think that a wet ponytail is an appropriate hairstyle for church...I learned that none of that matters after Aubree died.  It is just the people in your life that matter..not how you look, etc.  It put a lot of things in perspective for me.  I still struggle with feeling inadequate in most ways.  It doesn't help when people make comments about you either to make you feel even more inadequate.  I really try hard to be that person who doesn't judge anyone because I have no right to judge anyone...that is God's job.  It really upsets me when other people feel they have a right to judge me though...Christian people.  That does not make sense to me.  I am pretty sure that God wants us to love everyone regardless of their political views (which I am so tired of), their sexual preference, etc.  I have my own beliefs about things, but I have no right to judge anyone or criticize anyone for choosing something different! 

Sometimes I just want to scream because I feel like a walking target.  We were robbed while we were out of town a few weeks ago.  Fun mess to come home to.   Now I feel insecure in my own home during the day since it happened around 2:30 in the afternoon.  They stole my jewelry.  Luckily I had most of the important stuff with me.  I did lose a few sentimental pieces that can never be replaced of course.  We just felt so violated.  Did I mention we have a security system too?  They still took my things even with it going off...Needless to say we are adding more security features.  Apparently it is happening a lot in my area right now.  The police have said that it is mostly drug related.  The lovely people who robbed us had enough nerve to park in my driveway.  There were two cars, and luckily my neighbor drove by and made a mental note of the cars because he had never seen them before.  They are still out there robbing other people so pray that they get caught soon so they don't take other people's feelings of security away too! 

To add to that list I found a lump in my breast this week too!  Fun times around here!  I was able to get in today for an ultrasound, and they think that it is a lymph node.  I will need to go back in about four months to have a follow up appointment, but geez!!  It has been one heck of an emotional roller coaster around here!   Please just pray for my sanity!!  I feel like I can breathe a little bit again, but it still just scares the daylights out of me.  I hate to allow myself to go there, but bad things have happened to me already and it is hard not to let my mind go to the worst case scenario right away.  I have already had a worst case scenario.  It didn't help this morning either that the lady who did my ultrasound was the same woman who did the ultrasound when we found out about her issues.  When she came to get me a red flag just went up warning me that she brings me bad news...It brought it all back.  I was relieved that my news was not bad though...Maybe God is still trying to teach me something...

Running..

A few weeks ago I started running.  I used to run in high school for the track team, and ran some in college just for fun.  I have run off and on for a few years, but I have never really been that serious about it.  I considered training for a half marathon just for the heck of it with one of my friends.  We decided to run on Monday mornings after the kids were in school.  I just run with Westyn, and thankfully he loves it!  I started out slow, but I am now up to 6 miles.  I am loving it, and the feeling that it gives me is awesome.  I feel like I am running from all of my anxiety and stress.  It has been very helpful in so many ways. Why didn't I do this before?  Maybe it would have helped me when I was at my worst.  I don't know.  It feels like I am running from my own demons which have plagued me for so long.  There is nothing better than strapping on those headphones and just taking off to a time where I don't have to think about anything negative.  I get to just think, clear my head, get lost in the music...On that note I am really loving the song "Feel Again" by OneRepublic. I know it is about a woman, but it reminds me so much of Westyn and how he gave me that feeling again...I feel like he has allowed me to truly "feel again."  

Westyn turned a year old. I am happy, but I'm sad.  No more babies for me, and I love babies.  I hate thinking that part of my life is over because it makes me feel so old.  I already feel old as it is.  Aubree's death played a toll on my body.  Having a baby made me feel younger in a way..now I don't even have that any more.  Sometimes I look in the mirror, and I can't even recognize myself.  Have I always looked like this?  I know that I will enjoy the new phases of life that we are coming into, but it is still hard to close the door on pregnancy even if it was tough on my legs and on my mental state.

I hate this weather...I love the colors, smells, and just plain beauty of fall, but I hate the feeling of it.  Everything is dying, and it makes me anxious because it means that winter is coming.  As much as I love the snow I can't stand how winter makes me feel.  Cold, sad, empty...So..I am off to strap on those headphones and run from the feeling that seems to be settling into my bones this week...