Eight Years

Today I have been reflecting on how eight years have come and gone since Aubree died.  I still can't believe it has been eight years already.  I think about the little girl should might have been.  Would she have been as into sports as her sister or would she have been more girly?  Would she have worn a dress without complaining? ;)  My life certainly didn't turn out the way I would have imagined.  I never in a million years thought I would be working for a nonprofit that helps families through infant and pregnancy loss or taking classes on death so I can become certified in grief counseling.  I can tell you that it feels like a pretty full life though even in her absence.

We went to the cemetery today to take her a cupcake and some really pretty purple tulips that Mike bought.  I have a love/hate relationship with the cemetery.  I love going to be in that space with her, but it is still so depressing walking out to that plot where she lays alone.  I don't want others to join her, but it's hard not see the loneliness of her plot.  We took Dozer this year with us.  He seemed to like the vast open space so I tried to look at it a bit differently.  She isn't lonely.  She gets to be with all of those other babies and family members that have gone before us.

I have also been reflecting on the day she died specifically because we were so incredibly lucky to have a wonderful nurse supporting us.  Charlotte felt like an angel to us in our time of grief.  The way she talked to Aubree, held her, bathed her, talked about her features just made such an impression on me.  It was because of her that I have felt so strongly about making sure every family has a  Charlotte in their room.  It is so important in the healing process to feel heard, loved, and supported. I know it's not an easy job, but it can be a beautiful thing.  I have had the honor of being in that sacred space with a few families, and I truly can't put into words how amazing it is.  It is so tragic, but it's so beautiful at the same time.  It's an honor to be a part of their story and to know their babies.  The strength that God has given me to walk into those rooms without fear is amazing....and to talk to rooms full of nurses on how to help families through their losses is so surreal.  How can I have the strength to do this?  It's so easy to me these days.  God has truly equipped me for this journey He has me on.  I want every family we meet to know they are not alone in this, and we will be there for them through the healing process.  It's a long and messy process, but we are always going to be there if they want us to be.  :)

I have the song "Beautiful Things" by Gungor stuck in my head today.  It has been popping up on my running playlist a lot lately, and I think it's a great reminder to me that He really has made beautiful things in my life.  I have met some really beautiful people along this grief journey, and I am able to walk this road with many families.  I am so very grateful for all of the beautiful blessings in my life.  I miss her like crazy as I always do, but I feel so honored that God chose me to be her mother.  She might be one of my biggest blessings in this lifetime even though she isn't physically here.  That girl is here..trust me, she's here.  :)

Happy 8th Birthday to my sweet, spunky, and beautiful baby girl.  I love you Aubree Hope, and I can't wait to see what else you have in store for me.

And the Anger Resurfaces

I am finding myself very angry these days.  I am angry about so many things, and I really think the start of it came after we went to the Stillbirth Summit.  After learning about how countries are researching into the reasons for unexplained stillbirths and the things they are doing to try to equip women with warning signs really made me think.  Why are we not equipping women here?  Why are they not researching more and using some of the tactics that are bringing the stillbirth rate down in other countries? It's just not good enough.  I recently read the book "Ghost Belly," and the author had looked up the word "stillbirth."  This is what she found, "The medical community doesn't know much about stillbirths.  They haven't attracted much attention.  Data collection is inconsistent from state to state, but a common estimate is one stillbirth per 115 live births in the United States  There are roughly ten times as many stillbirths annually as there are cases of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS).  Yet there are extensive public awareness campaigns concerning SIDS, while stillbirth has attracted very little attention from the medical community and the public is generally ignorant of it." (From Ghost Belly by Elizabeth Heineman). I repeat....this is just not good enough.  I take phone calls from parents who have had a stillbirth, and I know what is coming for them.  Why can't we do more to help try to prevent some of these from happening?  I realize we can't prevent them all, but they are learning more and more about them?  Why can't we watch women more?  Teach them more about the warning signs?  No one told me that an INCREASE in fetal movement was a warning sign..only a decrease.  What if I had known?  I know you will say...she had a life limiting diagnosis so she wasn't going to live long anyways if at all, but...I would have loved to have spent some time with my girl while she was alive.  Maybe I could have had I known.  Others could have known her alive, held her while she was alive.  I am the only one who knew her alive.  I grieve much harder than they do because of that.  They didn't form the same bond, but if they had met her when she was alive it might be different for them.  Grief might not be so lonely. 

My good friend is coming up on her daughter's fifth heavenly birthday at the end of this month.  I reread the blog post that I wrote when she was still pregnant with her, and I listed some warning signs(that I just learned about) that they were watching.  I just wish they would have done things differently.   It just makes me angry.  I realize I can't change the way things are done here, but that doesn't mean I can't be on fire about it.  Losing your child changes your life forever.  Not only does it effect you emotionally, but it will effect you physically too.  Grief takes a toll on your body.  Sure, as time goes on the grief lessens, but it is always going to be a part of your being.  You don't ever get over something like that.  It's a trauma that resurfaces every now and again with trigger points.  They need to do better for these families.  End rant..I think I just needed to write it out!  It's been over seven years, but the grief is still there.  Unfortunately that is how grief is.  It is a messy, long process.  It doesn't consume my thoughts any more, but every so often I have a bad day and that is ok.  I have learned that it is all very normal, and the probability that tomorrow will be better is very high. 

I am so very thankful for Emma's Footprints and for the beautiful people that I work with.  We have formed great relationships with the nurses, the social workers, etc.  These people are on the front lines with these families, and it is so good to know they are in good hands while they are in the hospital.  We have been very busy these past few months.  I can't say it has been easy, but I am so glad these families don't have to grieve alone.  It's a sad job, but the joy comes as you watch them begin to heal.  Grief is traumatic, but it can also show you what a strong person you really are. 

7

Seven years....I still can't believe it has been that long since I held her in my arms.  When we went to her grave today I told Mike that it still feels like it really didn't even happen sometimes.  It was such an awful time in our lives, and it's hard to remember how wrecked we were at that time.  Today I noticed the outline of her casket for the first time really.  The  new grass that was growing in was a much brighter green than the rest of the grass.  I placed my hand on top of that grass, and I swear I felt overwhelming peace.  Her body is there right beneath my hand.  I understand that she is not there, but the little girl I physically held is.  I can remember the weight of her, the hours leading up to her birth and how scary that was not knowing what it would be like to deliver a baby who was not breathing.  It's terrifying to not know how you might react when it's your child.  You want to meet them so badly, but you are afraid to because of what death looks like and most importantly because it means you have to say good-bye.  Once they leave your body they are no longer a part of you, and you can't continue carrying them with you here on Earth.  It's a terrible thing to leave your daughter at the hospital knowing you will never see her again this side of Heaven.  I don't remember a lot of those days, but I will never forget the feeling of watching them wheel her away.  I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest.  Even now just writing about it makes my heart constrict. 

Today was so unusual in so many ways.  Normally we are driving through snow and brushing snow off of her grave.  Today I planted red tulips as the sun was peaking out in almost 60 degree weather.   It was so peaceful.  My soul feels at peace.  I am in a good place.  I miss her every single day, and I still wonder what her seven-year-old self would be like, but I know she is well.  I know with 100% certainty that she is living a full, happy, carefree, and praise-filled life. Her cake was probably much better than the Oreo cupcakes I made for her.  :)  We took a shovel to plant her tulips.  We always laugh thinking about how that looks while we walk through a cemetery.  I might want to have her here with me, but I don't think digging her up is the answer.  I know she isn't here with me, but I feel her presence every day.  It's in the strength she gives me to help other families as they begin the grieving process, it's in the people she has brought into my life, it's the beautiful thoughts and words from others, and she has brought me so much closer to God. 

My dear friend, that I had word diarrhea with, when we first moved here who ultimately introduced me to Emma's Footprints went to the wine store today to get me something because she knows what I like.  She asked the clerk if they had anything with a dragonfly on it.  He pointed down and sitting right there at the counter was a bottle of "Dragonly" wine with a dragonfly on it.  Just one bottle sitting there on the counter...Seems so strange, but in so many ways it doesn't surprise me at all.  She does stuff like that.  I'm not sure what that says about me, but dragonflies and wine are a perfect combo today.  :)  I am so thankful for that woman.  She has been a true blessing to me, and I am so glad God pushed me out of the house that day to meet her.  She certainly teaches me a lot of about life, and I love that I get to do life with her and her family right now.  Her daughter gives me a hug almost every morning, and this morning was no different.  She came right up to me and snuggled right in.  It's like she knows what my heart needs.  I have been spoiled this year.  My Emma's Footprints family got me a beautiful necklace with her name and birthday on it.  I have been wearing it proudly since I received it.  I am so thankful for them too.  Emma's is such a beautiful organization.  I still feel so grateful that they let me be a part of it.  I just love blessing others in the way that I have been blessed.   I still have a beautiful friend who donates to a charity of my choice every year in memory of Aubree.  How beautiful is that?  Her actions show that she will never forget my daughter, and that means the world to me. 

Tonight we will sing to her and eat Oreo cupcakes in her memory.  I wish she was here with us, but like I said I know her life is better than I could even imagined for her here.  I am still sad that a peace of my family is not here with us, but every year that passes I feel like I am learning more and more about how to live life without her while still keeping her very much alive.  I know that Ruger is keeping her company now that he is gone. He was my baby that year she died.  He provided so much love in her absence.  His loss was really tough on all of us, but it's comforting to know he is running free with her.  Happy 7th Birthday, my Aubree.   It's been a beautiful day. 

2016

This year has been huge for me.  I have learned so much from my Doula/Bereavement Doula training, and I have learned so much more about life.  Talking to these families has really shed a lot of life on the bubble that I have been living in for so long.  My heart breaks for each and every one of these women that have gone through loss.  Each has their own story.  Some of the stories are so much more than just loss.  Some of these women are truly alone and have no one to love them and support them through it.  I just can't fathom not having a family to turn to when I just couldn't keep on going that day.  I am trying to be that person for so many women.  Trying to understand and love them through their loss.  Letting them know they are not alone.  It is why I have such a passion for what I do.  Grief is so lonely, and when you have no one to talk to it can seem daunting.  My official title is Bereavement Coordinator with Emma's Footprints.  It sounds like such a fun job, right?  So many people say they don't know how I do this every day.  Dealing with death day and night.  I honestly don't know either sometimes.  I do know that God has always given me the words and the strength to do it though.  I never thought I would be able to be in a place emotionally to do this, but look at me now.  It's crazy to think that this was my purpose.  Aubree existed so I can learn how to help others.  She really did teach me about more than just loss.  She taught me how to love others through it, how to look at the world differently, how to serve others in a healthy way, to step out in faith, to be a better person, and she really has helped me to understand things I never would have thought twice about before.  I am so very grateful that I am able to be a part of such a beautiful organization.  I have met so many wonderful people who volunteer their time to serve families who have had a loss like theirs, and I have met some really strong mommas who are living their life for the babies they lost.  I have been so blessed this year by this organization.  Every single family that I have talked to this year has impacted me, and their babies are forever etched into my brain.  The idea that I get to meet these precious children someday really makes me giddy. 

I know that 2017 is another year of growth.  We are starting group support here for our families.  So many have requested it, and I hope that they utilize it and find peace in grieving together.  We are also starting to connect more with the local hospitals, and we are working on education.  Education is huge for me because if we can help the caregivers learn how to handle a loss in a more positive way they serve the families in a healthier way.  A negative experience at the hospital can truly make your grieving process even more difficult.  Those that have had a good experience do not have to grieve how they were treated while they were in the hospital. I have hopes of going to some training in 2017 that will help equip me as well.  I know that each year we are going to be getting busier and busier because this is not something that will ever go away unfortunately.  My goal is to serve these families even better this coming year.  I am excited to see what 2017 has in store for me.  I know it will be busy, but I am ready to take on the challenge.  It is what I have been called to do after all.  Aubree is alive and well within my soul.  Each family I help is because of her.  I used to worry about forgetting her or not doing right by her.  I can honestly say that I never think about those things any more.  I like to think that she is proud of her momma for saying "yes" to serving other families who have gone through loss too.  Her life was such a gift even though at the time it really didn't feel that way.  It's been almost seven years since she left me physically, but she has been with me this whole time. 

Six Years

It's crazy to think another year has come and gone. Six years without her here on Earth.  It's funny how I can remember that day so clearly, but I can't remember much past that day.  I have perfect snapshots of our day together.  The moment before she was born, the moment I realized she looked just like a smaller version of Carley, the moment we spent bathing her with our bereavement nurse who treated her like she was alive, the moments I spent loving her, watching her body break down in front of our eyes, the beautiful photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, the time with our pastor, my pediatrician seeing me at my lowest point in my life, and the moment she was rolled away never to be seen again.  I can also clearly remember coming home from the hospital and ripping all of the maternity clothes from the hangers and making them just disappear.  I never got very big with her, but I still had gained weight so finding clothes that fit just right was a challenge for the next few days.  The idea of wearing maternity clothes that reminded me of what was gone was just too much to handle.  Thankfully Mike helped me take care of all things pregnancy related that were lying around.  This is what I remember.  I remember parts of the year that followed, but I can't seem to remember a lot of it.  My brain shut down and I became a shell of a person.  I was there physically and I was going about my business as usual, but I could not muster any feelings for anything.  I literally cried so much that I dried out my cornea.  This was my reality, but here I am six years out, and I am beyond thankful that I experienced all of this.  She has made me into the person I am today with the help of Jesus of course.  If you had told me in my worst moments that I would be where I am today I wouldn't have believed you. There would be no way that I could take my pain and help others because I could barely help myself.

This year has been pretty emotional and eventful for me in my healing process.  I have thrown myself into volunteering for an Organization called Emma's Footprints.  I started by joining their Care Team, but I soon found myself telling the founder, Tracy, that I would take the calls and emails for the families.  I am their first contact with Emma's.  I can't say that it hasn't been hard, but it has been so rewarding to be able to use my experience to help others.  I have hurt, but I can take that hurt and use it for something beautiful.  I love talking to the moms, dads, grandmas, sisters, aunts, friends, funeral homes, therapists, etc.  This job has shown me that there are still very beautiful people in this world.  I have had the pleasure of meeting beautiful people who help others in their worst moments.  These people inspire me to be a better person, and I have learned so much from them. A good friend of mine pointed out that I am healing by providing the support that I so desperately needed back then.  I didn't have an organization like Emma's to turn to.   She is absolutely right.  I know what it feels like to feel so alone and confused that I refuse to let anyone feel that way if I can help it.  I feel like my heart has healed even more over this past year due to my involvement with this beautiful organization.  Just by taking one of these calls I was able to realize a missing piece in my healing as well.  I received a call from a grandmother who was so upset about her granddaughter's loss, but her heart was more upset about how her daughter was feeling.  Her words knocked the wind right out of me because I realized that this is exactly how my mother felt all of those years ago.  I was able to recognize how hurt my mother was too, and we were able to have a conversation about it six years later.

This is year two in Erie, and I am feeling more and more at home.  The people that I interact with on a daily basis continue to amaze me with their friendship, love and support.  The fact that my friends/neighbors will pray for me in my driveway before I head to visit my daughter's grave says a lot about the kind of people I have surrounded myself with.  They are an integral part of my healing as well.  I feel beyond blessed to have them in my life.  They are beautiful people that not only make me laugh, but they are people I can cry with.  Crying is hard for me to do in public because I feel like it shows my weakness, but when I am with them I find myself hugging others and crying with them.  I feel free.  I still have beautiful friends in my life who have been with me from the very beginning too, and I am so thankful that they have never forgotten.  It's been six years, but they still remember that day and they show how much they care with donations, texts, messages, etc.  I am one lucky girl to have so many beautiful people in my life.

Six years is a drop in the hat compared to the eternity that I will spend with her.  I loved my time with her today at her grave, but it will never replace the ache I feel in my arms.  I still have that desire to dig her up and just hold her.  When you only get to hold your child for one day it hurts when you think about all that you missed.  I can't remember what it felt like to hold her.  I took Westyn with me today, and he of course has no idea who Aubree is, but he did ask me on our way there when we would get to "Aubree's House."  He was extra cuddly today, and I think he just knew that I just needed him.  My parents cleaned up her grave for me so when I got there it wasn't dirty.  They are the best.  :)

I look forward to seeing what God and Aubree have in store for me this year.  I already know that they are planning for me to go through the bereavement doula training.  I wasn't ready for this, but God obviously had other plans.  He has been very clear in what I am to do.  Every decision I am trying to make He comes through with a clear answer.  I feel very confident that I am exactly where I am meant to be.  All my love, baby girl.  Happy 6th birthday.

Five Years..

I find it so hard to imagine that it has been five years since I held her in my arms.  I find little things setting me off...watching other kids pick up their kindergarten registration packets, celebrating fifth birthdays, etc.  It's hard watching those girls grow up when I know Aubree would have been their age because we were all due at the same time.  It's been a rough one, and I have been pretty sad today.  I had a hard time getting out of bed knowing what this day would be like.  Crying over every little thing is not my idea of a good day.

I made pink cupcakes last night for her, and I bought her and myself a bouquet of red tulips.  I was planning all along to make the long drive to her grave alone.  Parker had baseball registration today that he needed to be here for. Mike surprised me last night when he said we were leaving early and we were all going.  Mike doesn't feel the same way about going to her grave as I do, but he realized it means a lot to me so he drove.  The weather was perfect so we were lucky.  The kids were great and didn't complain at all.  Westyn has no clue, but he excitedly carried the flowers.  We had to dig her out of a huge pile of snow.  We always laugh when we go to her grave because we have to take a shovel..whether it's digging her out of the snow or trying to clean up her grave. I'm sure we look crazy walking there.  I remember wanting to dig her up the first year.  So crazy, but I hated that my baby was in the ground.  We had a nice visit, and it made me so happy that we had gone.  I couldn't bake her a cake or buy her presents, but I could do this for her.  It's so hard as a mother to not be able to make things right for your child.  I always feel like a failure when it comes to even just maintaining her grave.  It's even harder now that we moved.  I missed our Christmas tradition this year, but the weather has just not cooperated with it being so far away.  I wish I could spend more time with her at her beautiful resting place, but maybe we are far away for a reason..

Five years without her has aged me significantly.  I feel older, but I also feel wiser.  I see the world differently.  I have lost my innocence, but I also cherish what I have even more now.  I miss her so much, but I see her in so many ways..I know she is with us.  She is in Westyn's smile, the out of the blue hugs that Parker gives me (which are really unheard of), and even a basketball game.  Carley scored 22 points yesterday in her game, and my girlfriend so lovingly pointed out that significance.  She is always reminding me that she is still here.  I wish it was in a more tangible way, but a piece of her remains inside of me.  I will always carry her with me no matter where I go.  It's not easy going through life with a part of your family missing.  Always wondering what life would have been like.  I would have had a kindergartener..  When I think back to that day I shudder to remember that we went through that.  No part of it was fun.  Holding her was beautiful, but letting go was the worst thing I have ever experienced.  When the nurse took her away to await the funeral home my heart broke into a million pieces knowing I would never see her again on this side of Heaven. I had no idea how to put my life back together, but here I am.  I am happy again and finding joy.  I felt so guilty for so long for allowing happiness back into my life, but I think that is what she wanted.  Westyn's personality is a true testament to that.  You can't help but smile when he gives you his goofy grin.  I saw a really awesome shirt that someone makes on Etsy.  I am half tempted to get one for Wes.  It says "Hand Picked for Earth by my sister in Heaven."  I love this.

I am proud to be her mom, but the sadness that I feel in her absence is hard.  I never got to know her in the same way as my other kids.  I am sure she was just like them, but she would have been her own person too.  Not knowing is tough..I am so thankful for beautiful friends who always remember with me and for all of the love that I feel today.  I have a feeling she had something to do with our move here.   I have seen some of the reason, but I am looking forward to what her plans and God's plans are for us here..

A Christmas Rant

My kids have been horrible since Thanksgiving, and every part of me is tired of Christmas.  It's supposed to be a magical time of year, but I am finding it to be sad and downright aggravating.  Christmas is not supposed to be about presents and Santa but that is all the kids focus on.  I am sad.  I am not doing a good enough job of making them more aware of those around them or teaching them the reason we even celebrate in the first place.  My kids feel entitled to things they don't even need and they expect to get what they asked for.  If I was strong enough I would cancel Christmas like another mother did when her kids were not acting up to par.  It's sad that I even feel this way.  I should be excited to see the joy on their faces, but I anticipate another "this is it?".   Don't get me wrong, I love watching the excitement on their faces, but I feel like the excitement is all about the wrong things.  I think if this world focused more on the true meaning of Christmas instead of gifts, Santa, baking, etc, we might just all be a little happier.  Isn't the gift of eternal life the best gift ever?  It's not the newest gadget or toy of the year..  If only I could make them understand how fortunate they are to have the things that they do and to think about the bigger picture.  I realize they are young, but I look around and see a lot of older kids who expect even more and think even less of those around them.  I will just continue to pray that my kids are able to see the big picture some day so we can all look at Christmas differently.

Christmas is hard for me too for other reasons.  Five years ago at this time I was pregnant and excited about what the new year was going to bring us.  A new house, a new baby, new memories.  I had no idea that in January the rug would be pulled out from underneath me.  I had no idea that the last happy thing I would remember would be that Christmas.   I have had happiness, but Christmas will never be the same for me again.  It's a tough holiday for me, but I will muddle through it like I always do.  I just wish Christmas could be different for my family.  Gratitude, celebrating the true meaning, and showing love to others would make a perfect holiday in my book.  

My goal is to get my kids to appreciate what they have, look outside of themselves, and to celebrate the gift that was sent so many years ago.  If my kids want that gift we all get the best gift of all..spending an eternity together.  That to me, is priceless.

Four Years

I still can't believe that on the 22nd it has been four years since I held my baby girl for the first and only time in this lifetime.  Four years has gone by so quickly yet it feels like I have lived a lifetime without her.  One day with her will never be enough..I miss her, and I wonder all of the time what she would be like.  My kids said that morning that they wished she wasn't dead.  I agree...but we wouldn't have Westyn.  His life brings me so much joy.  I just know that parts of her are in him.  In his smile, in that extra hug he gives me, that kiss on the cheek, his eyes..

I went to the cemetery after celebrating a much wanted baby at my girlfriend's baby shower.  I wish I could attend showers and just be happy for the mother to be instead of fearing what could happen..it really stinks to see the negative side instead of the beautiful, positive image that pregnancy should be.  I always tell myself that it is rare..but I know that isn't the case.  Every time I see a tiny pregnant person I fear the worst for them.  Reality always slaps me in the face.  I went alone this year.  No one wanted to come along this year which just shows me even more how alone I am in my grief.  I know I am the only one who truly knew her, but she is our family.  We should celebrate together..it just gets really lonely sometimes to carry this without someone sharing my feelings.  I took her red tulips and a salted caramel cupcake that I had made.  I had packed my boots because of how muddy/snowy it might be. I am glad I did.  I walked to her grave through the snow and mud.  She was the only grave still covered by snow..go figure.  The only sign she was there was her little angel poking out through the snow.  I cleared the snow off and spent some time reflecting over the last four years and remembering that day.  Her grave is just so lonely and depressing.  I am so glad I made the drive even if it is not easy getting there.  She is worth it in my opinion.  Would I have made her a Frozen cake this year?  Is that what birthday she would have wanted?

She scarred me for life.  Her short life left a huge hole in my heart, in our family, in our lives, etc.  I am so thankful for her though.  She showed me how strong I am, she taught me that nothing is guaranteed in life, she taught me to appreciate the little things, and she taught me to love fiercely.    I will always be thankful for her and all that she gave me.  I might still be going through life taking things for granted.  I never thought in a million years that I would lose a baby.  That only happens to other people...She changed me.  I sometimes still can't believe our life took this turn, but we are still so blessed..

My new favorite song right now is "Oceans" by Hillsong United.  I need to constantly be reminded to "trust without borders."  I am one to trust that God will take care of us, but I always throw up "borders" because I let my fear get the best of me.  God brought me through the last four years, and He won't abandon me now.  She is always on my mind, but this time of year is always worse for me. All of those emotions and memories come rushing back to me.  I sometimes feel like it was only yesterday that we were picking out the coffin that was not good enough for her.  It is tough when you have one option..planning a funeral for a baby that we barely had the chance to meet.  We only had hopes and dreams..no memories to share.  Each year is better, but on her day I allow myself to just grieve and miss her without caring what anyone else thinks.  I am her mother, and I will never get over it.

My Simple Life

The last post I wrote I started a long time ago, but I never published it.  I wasn't sure if I would, but I felt like it needed to be said.  I am glad I posted it, and I am glad I got my feelings out there.  It feels much better to just be honest with myself sometimes.

A lot has changed since my previous post.  I am in a much better place again thankfully.  I did get my chickens and my goats.  My two baby goats (Fern and Ivy) are thriving, and the kids love them.  The chickens, roosters (surprise roosters), and my guineas provide hours of entertainment for all of us.  Westyn just loves his "chicky."  We are using collecting eggs as a learning experience because he gets to count them every day.  I love my little simple life here on "Hope Acre" as we like to call it.  Two of my roosters will be finding their home in my freezer this week though.  I am sad to think about it, but we have way too many roosters for the amount of hens we have.  We are keeping one to see how it goes because we would like to incubate a few eggs in the spring.  Parker really wants some chicks.  :) Luckily there is a lady not too far from here that will take care of my roosters for me because I don't think I could fathom them being killed on our property.  Such is life I guess..

In other big news, I finally ran my half marathon.  I have wanted to do it for so long, but I never signed up.  I ran the Hershey Half on October 20th.  I loved every minute of it, and I came in under my goal of two hours.  I definitely have the running bug unfortunately.  It does wonders for my anxiety and for my mind though.  I am running another half with my girlfriends on November 10th too.  I am excited to get back out there and run with them since I have been off this week due to my vein surgery on my left leg. I haven't run since last Sunday so I am hoping I will be ok to run 13.1 next weekend.  After running my half I have decided that I need to do a marathon.  I really want to do one, but I have promised Mike that I won't run one until Westyn is in school.  The training just eats up too much time during the day when you have little ones at home.  I understand that my kids need me right now so I won't be doing it until they are busy doing their own things in school.  It is just something I need to do for me.  I have a lot of changes to make before I run a marathon too. I understand what I need to do so I will be working on that in the next few years.  :)  I am just so thankful that running can provide me with such a great escape from the every day stresses of life.  I have a lot of great songs on my playlist too that are encouraging.  My most recent download is "God's Great Dance Floor" by Chris Tomlin.  Great beat and great message.  Nothing better in my book!

This has been a sad week for a lot of people around me unfortunately.  Death has come too soon for several babies.  Some expected and others unexpected.  I have been praying for peace for so many families.  I really hope they are able to hold their heads high and hold on to the fact that their children are the lucky ones.  They were just too good for this Earth..May God grant peace to all of those grieving this week..

The Honest Truth..

When Aubree died a part of me died with her, and I basically checked out.  When I checked out I also lost my interest in being a mother.  I mean..I was so wracked with grief over a little girl I barely got to spend any time with, and I began to think about what losing the two that had been in my life for years would do to me.  I wasn't sure (and still aren't) that I would survive.  I love them too much, but I wanted to protect myself from being hurt by them if something horrible happened to them. My stupid mind thought I could actually separate my feelings from them.  Yeah right.  I think of all of the years that I have been pulling away to protect myself from hurt, but I realize that I am only hurting myself more by being overly anxious about everything now.  I am so afraid of that "what ifs."  I know I need to just enjoy my life with them because they truly do grow way too quickly, but it is so hard to just go about my day like nothing happened.  Aubree was real..she was a beautiful little girl that we couldn't wait to have join our family, but she died.  She never even lived with us.  She never met my sisters, my extended family, etc.  She is just a "stillborn" to everyone.  She was my daughter.  My beautiful daughter..

I did rely on my kids when she died to give me a reason to get out of bed.  I did not want to play with them.  I did not want to have fun.  I did not want to smile.  I had no reason to be happy.  My life was not what I expected it to be.  I didn't know anyone else who had this happen to them personally so it felt like I had did something wrong and didn't deserve her.  I was a bad parent who didn't deserve another child because I didn't love my first two enough.  These are all of the things that went through my head and still do at times.  I felt like I was dirty in some ways..how could my body create a beautiful baby that wasn't even meant to live?  My body betrayed me.  Again..I felt like I had done something wrong.  I blamed myself for not being able to do anything.  I hated myself, and I still struggle with that.  I don't know who I am anymore.  I am slowly trying to find myself.  Parts of me are still there, and I find them every so often so I can slowly put the pieces back together of the messed up puzzle that is my life. 

Being a mom is hard.  I find it to be emotionally challenging most of the time.  I love my children so much, but I have spent so much time keeping my emotions in check that I find they don't rely on me for their emotional support.  I wasn't there when they needed me.  I am trying to be better and to be better for them.  In so many ways it sucks to be a mom.  No one likes to watch their kid with a 103 fever moaning and lethargic, or throwing up every thing in their little stomachs but not understanding why they feel that way, or just plain get hurt by life's every day battles.  Parenting is hard for a parent who didn't experience loss, but it is extra hard for those of us who know what it is like to lose something so precious to us.  The thought of it happening again is way too big for our minds to even handle.  A simple fever could mean leukemia, a bump on the head could be a brain tumor, a mole is always changing in your eyes, etc.  Normal things that turn into big things...This is my life now, and I hate it.  I am trying so hard to just relax and enjoy every single moment, but it is so hard sometimes to just snap out of it.

Like I said, being a mom is hard, but being a mom is also very rewarding.  I think about Westyn's loving nature, and his huge smile.  I would have missed out on that if Aubree was here with us.  I think about my other children.  They would be different too.  Carley might be more relaxed and less anxious about things.  Parker might be better behaved.  I don't know.  I just know that our life would have been so different had she lived.  I would have a preschooler this year...I am so thankful for my children, and because I love them so much I vow to be a better mom to them because they deserve it regardless of my fears.  I have been given longer with any of them already than I ever got with Aubree.  I need to be thankful for that...

A Changed Life..

Life is all about change, about growing, about learning, etc.  I am all about change right now.  I am changing as a result of looking at life around me.  I don't like what I see.  I don't like where I am right now.  I am trying to find joy in the simple things again.  I was so depressed with life around me that I thought the answer was just to pick up and leave this sorry little town.  Start over.  Starting over is not going to change what happened or change me.  I knew that, but running away from problems is just what I do.  I always have.  Mike always says that is not the answer, but I hate dealing with things so it is just easier for me.  I have had so much anger lately that it is leading to anxiety and depression again.  My mood has just plain sucked lately.  I decided that I needed to just stop...just change the way I viewed things.  I needed to live more simply.

When I was running the trails around my house yesterday I looked at how beautiful they were, and I was just going to leave it all without even looking back.  Running from my problems is not the answer.  I am being proactive now.  I am making positive changes.  I am becoming the person I need to be for my family..a simple mom who just enjoys the little things in life.  We don't need a lot to be happy contrary to the popular belief that most of society holds right now.

We have changed churches, and it has been a wonderful thing for our whole family.  The kids are excited about going, and I actually am learning again from the Pastor.  He is so engaging and he makes so much sense to me.  I have been lost in our church for quite some time, but I haven't been able to leave it because we have so many wonderful friends there.  We decided we needed to make a change that was right for the whole family.  The kids have friends at our new church already so it has been positive for them too.  I like hearing them say, "Can we go back to that church again next week?"  Instead of, "I hate church.  It is so boring.  I don't want to go."  It has been wonderful....I am going to live out some dreams of being a "farmer."  I am hopefully getting some chickens and a goat.  I want to teach my kids responsibility.  I don't want them to live in a world in which they think everyone owes them something.  I am going to attempt to ground them.  We shall see.

I have a lot more changing to do, but I am working on things.  I am working on making new friendships, nurturing the ones who enjoy the simple things, etc.  Surrounding myself with honest, simple people has really made a positive impact on my life.  Surrounding myself with people who get me is helpful too.  I am different, and I think differently as a result of losing Aubree.  I miss her so much every single day, and it is nice to be around people who truly get that.  I will continue to change..strive to be better for myself and for my family...

Just Something To Think About..

It has been a while, but I feel the need to write.  Life these past few months has been as crazy as usual with a toddler who is pushing buttons to see how far he can go, a preschooler who has decided he doesn't like school, and a kindergarten student who has all of a sudden blossomed into a social butterfly.  I am enjoying these moments even if my anxiety has been returning in small waves.  Speaking of anxiety...I don't want to offend anyone in the mental health field with those post because I truly do think there is a need for drugs and such for certain people...but not everyone..

It has been about a year since I saw that terrible doctor who said terrible things about the state of my mental health.  He wanted to put me on several different drugs in order to keep me from "doing something I would regret to either myself or my children."  It has been a year, and I have never taken a single drug...He seemed to know what I needed in those first five minutes of meeting him because he was "just that good at his job."  Really?  Did I really need those drugs when I am functioning even better than I was at that time without the use of anything?  I have been taking Lemon Balm for my anxiety, but that is just a calming herb.  It has just made me think about how many people out there are taking drugs they don't really need.  Talking to a therapist seriously did the trick for me..Talking can be the best medicine for some of us...not all of us, but there are way too many people out there who are being prescribed things they don't need.  It just makes me sad for them.  What if I had listened to him and had just gone along with his plan just trusting that he really was just that good at his job?  It just makes me so angry that we go to people in a fragile state just coming out feeling much worse thinking that we might harm ourselves or others if we don't take the drugs they think will help us.  I can understand really needing them if you have been working with someone for a while and talking is just not helping you at all..but just meeting someone for an hour and within a few minutes labeling them?  That just isn't right!  There is definitely a place for antidepressants, anti anxiety medicines, etc., but it might not the answer for everyone.  I just wish they would take more time listening to people instead of just throwing prescriptions in their faces and making them feel like they really need to take them if they want to stay sane.  That sort of sounds like bullying to me...

I am well...I am happy for the most part.  I have been getting back in touch with my feelings again after shoving them down for a long time.  I am learning to be content, and I am learning to not be so afraid of just being the real me no matter who I might lose as a friend.  I have discovered that I am secretly a country girl.  I like living in the country, but I am starting to feel the part..I want chickens, a goat, etc.  Yes...I want to raise some animals.  I have no idea where this came from, but I am finding such joy in frogs, tadpoles, etc.  I am letting my hair down (not really since it is up every day these days), but I am just loving not caring about what everyone else might think if I truly turn into a country girl. :)  Let them think I am crazy!  I know a lot of people already think I am crazy for letting my dogs sleep in bed with me!  :) 

I just felt the need to remind you to just be an advocate for yourself.  Doctors do not always know you better than you know yourself.  There are times when they do, but they aren't always "just that good at their jobs." 

Three Years

I still can't believe it has been three years already and at other times it feels like a lifetime ago.  Westyn turned 17 months today so it seems like an eternity ago that I was pregnant with her.  It's amazing how much can change in three short years.  I feel like I am getting better in the way that handle my grief, but it still is always there.  Everyone keeps asking me how I am doing today.  I am ok.  It is just another day...I miss her every day, but today just makes me miss her that much more because I have to sing "Happy Birthday" to a grave instead of to the beautiful little girl anxiously awaiting her birthday cake. 

I often wonder what she would be like at three.  What would her personality be like..would she be like my daughter and not be into girly things or would she be the one who just loves princesses.  I will never know.  It sucks that I will never know.  All of these things that so many people take for granted.  I know that there are people out there who don't, but there are way too many who do take the little things for granted.  It's sad.  I find myself kissing my kids just because I feel like it or when I walk past them.  Even if they get nothing else from me they will know that they were loved.  I hope they feel that. 

I have been reminiscing this week.  Listening to the music we played at her funeral without turning it off immediately, listening to the song that we got her name from, and watching the slideshow that our NILMDTS photographer made of the pictures she took.  I spent a week crying, but I know that is ok.  I don't do it all of the time, but I needed to this week.  I needed to be reminded of her beauty and of how she changed my life. She was a gift to me even if I didn't get to keep her for long.  I am so thankful for all of the kind words that everyone has shared today and the warm thoughts and hugs.  It really means a lot to me.

Life goes on...and I will still miss her every day.  I am just so glad that I got to spend some time with her today even if it was freezing rain on me.  I hope she enjoys her red tulips.  Perfect love is the meaning of the red tulip, and I think that is very fitting to our relationship.  Happy 3rd Birthday sweet girl.  Mommy loves you...

Unfair..

I am subscribed to Trisomy 18's feed on Facebook, and I just recently read this article they posted about this little boy who was not expected to live past two months who just turned six last month.  The mother of this little boy had written this article to praise a few men who took the time to give her son a wonderful time skiing.  His special education class apparently went to a ski resort, and while they were there the mother got hooked up with two men who agreed to take her son's sled on a few runs.  She described the men as men who were not afraid of much so she is almost positive he wasn't staying on the bunny slope!  She said that the squeals of delight coming from her son were just amazing.  They came down and asked her if they could take him again.  She agreed of course.  She just wanted to thank the two men who were so wonderful with her son.  I am reading this article with tears streaming down my face because the ski resort just happens to be my favorite ski resort which is Durango Mountain Resort in Colorado.  It just reminded me that I never got to take Aubree skiing, and I never got to experience that.  Sure, I am glad that mother had the opportunity, but it just seems so unfair.  I am sure her life has not been easy these past six years, but she has had six years!  I would have given anything to just have been given six minutes...To let my family hold her and let her how know how much she was loved.  Maybe my kids could have really held her and told her they loved her.   We could have sent her off in love.  Sometimes it just seems so unfair.  I know many people think it was easier this way, but it really wasn't.  When you never get to lock eyes with your own child and hold them while they are breathing you would understand, but as her mother I grieved that I never got to do that.  I understood she was not meant to live, but that does not mean that I didn't want to experience even a part of life with her. 

As I get closer to the 22nd I realize how long it has been since she has been with me...three years.  It seems like yesterday and it seems like ages ago...I still miss her so much. 

When Life Was Different..

Three years ago my life was much different than it is today.  I walked into the hospital for a routine ultrasound on a very cold day much like today.  I remember telling Mike how nervous I was.  He couldn't understand my fears, but I just knew that something wasn't right.  Hours later my fears were confirmed, and my life was over as I knew it.  I was that person who had something wrong with her baby, but they couldn't tell me what at that point.  It took a few weeks before I learned the extent.  Even knowing that something was wrong was completely different than finding out that your baby is going to die, but you just didn't know when.  Boy...what a fun month that was.  Three years ago seems like such a long time yet I can still remember it like it was yesterday. 

I remember not being able to talk, and I wasn't even sure I could drive home because I was crying so hard.  Mike wasn't sure if I could make it either.  I remember calling my mom, but she couldn't understand me through the tears.  I also remember sitting by the fireplace at my mom's just willing this to all be a nightmare.  I was so numb and so sad...The unknown was too much to handle.  I went from a blissful life to a life I didn't understand or want to experience.  Things weren't easy anymore.  I started to worry about everything.  I went from pretty chill as a mom to overly worried about the little things.  I am still working on that today although I am much better.  Anxiety took up residence in my life...just waiting for the day that my child would be taken from this world.  I tried to see the beauty in every minute with her, but I kept fighting the heartbreak that was always there.  How could I be carrying a child that was meant to die?  My hopes and dreams for her went down the toilet.  This little girl that I carried inside of me that was so alive was never meant to walk on this Earth.  I was so sick with her at the beginning of my pregnancy..went through horrible throbbing veins with her, had to just wait for her to stop moving...Not one minute after January 22nd was spent being happy until the next year rolled around...exactly one year later..Isobel was born, and I found out I was pregnant again..Westyn showed his presence very early on the morning on January 22nd in 2011..Was it a coincidence?  I don't think so..I truly believe that Aubree sent me a gift since that day the year before was so horrible.   I hate this day so much yet I have had so much beauty come out of it too.  Three years...I just can't believe that it was three years ago.  I still miss her every day, and I often wonder what her almost three year-old self would be like...

Today was just another day...a day of fevers with Westyn, and a bus accident for Carley.  Why did it all happen today?  I wonder if God is still testing me.  Why couldn't today just have been peaceful and full of love for all that I have instead of worrying and worrying about the things that are out of my control?  Carley is ok, and Westyn is just fine, but I still wonder...

Too Much Sadness..

Here we are just a few days from Christmas, and I can't stop crying about the tragedy that occurred last week. It has really hit me hard for some reason..is it because I know what it is like to bury a child, is it because I have a six-year-old and know the innocence of that age, is it because I have to live in such a cruel, evil, world?  I don't know..I just know that I am not taking anything for granted any more.  I love my daughter, but every day she gets on the bus I etch her face into my brain just in case I never get to see her smiling face again.  I worry until the minute she is safe in my arms.  I tell her a million times a day how much I love her.  I want her to know..no...I NEED her to know how much I love her.  My anxiety has returned thanks to evil in this world.  I am trying to stay calm, but this month is just tough....With everything that has happened recently I can't help but be anxious about everything.  Will someone break in to our house again?  Will Carley be ok at school?  Will Mike make it home from work today?  Blah...I can't stand feeling this way.  Thank goodness I have running to keep me sane! 

I am having a tough time today too for some reason.  I am really missing her.  I know this is a trigger month for me because it was the last month I had before my world was turned upside down.  I hate new years because you never know what is coming.  I know I need to focus on today instead of tomorrow, but it isn't always that easy when your innocence was taken right out from underneath you!  It is snowing today too...that makes me think of her and miss her even more.  Sometimes it is hard to believe that it has almost been three years.  How did three years come and go?  Why is it so hard still at times?  I guess that is just how the holidays might always be for me.  I am not grieving in the same way that I was before, but I still grieve her.  I still miss the idea of her.  I can't help it.  I wish so much that things could have been different and that I could have had both of my children.  I think Aubree and Westyn would have been a mischievous pair!  Some day I can see my whole family as one, but until that day comes I need to find my inner peace so I don't drive myself crazy with anxiety about that what-ifs! 

I hope that all of you have a very Merry Christmas.  For those of you that are in the same boat as me this year...just try to remember that they get to actually sing "Happy Birthday" to Jesus himself!  That thought makes me smile and makes me grateful that she does not have to endure the evil that is so very present in our society right now..Many blessings to you and yours in 2013! 

Imperfection..

Life around here has been swell...I mean really great...Can you read the sarcasm there?  No..it hasn't been all bad.  Just a little rough.  I am so full of emotion right now, and I can't even write what I want to in fear of making people mad.  That is irritating in itself!  Anyways..I am not perfect, nor have I ever been perfect, and I will never be perfect.  I hate admitting that I try to be "perfect" for myself, but I am always let down because I can never be what I think "perfect" is.  I have always had to look a certain way before I leave the house, but now I wouldn't be surprised if  "What Not To Wear" showed up at my house.  I don't think they would think that a wet ponytail is an appropriate hairstyle for church...I learned that none of that matters after Aubree died.  It is just the people in your life that matter..not how you look, etc.  It put a lot of things in perspective for me.  I still struggle with feeling inadequate in most ways.  It doesn't help when people make comments about you either to make you feel even more inadequate.  I really try hard to be that person who doesn't judge anyone because I have no right to judge anyone...that is God's job.  It really upsets me when other people feel they have a right to judge me though...Christian people.  That does not make sense to me.  I am pretty sure that God wants us to love everyone regardless of their political views (which I am so tired of), their sexual preference, etc.  I have my own beliefs about things, but I have no right to judge anyone or criticize anyone for choosing something different! 

Sometimes I just want to scream because I feel like a walking target.  We were robbed while we were out of town a few weeks ago.  Fun mess to come home to.   Now I feel insecure in my own home during the day since it happened around 2:30 in the afternoon.  They stole my jewelry.  Luckily I had most of the important stuff with me.  I did lose a few sentimental pieces that can never be replaced of course.  We just felt so violated.  Did I mention we have a security system too?  They still took my things even with it going off...Needless to say we are adding more security features.  Apparently it is happening a lot in my area right now.  The police have said that it is mostly drug related.  The lovely people who robbed us had enough nerve to park in my driveway.  There were two cars, and luckily my neighbor drove by and made a mental note of the cars because he had never seen them before.  They are still out there robbing other people so pray that they get caught soon so they don't take other people's feelings of security away too! 

To add to that list I found a lump in my breast this week too!  Fun times around here!  I was able to get in today for an ultrasound, and they think that it is a lymph node.  I will need to go back in about four months to have a follow up appointment, but geez!!  It has been one heck of an emotional roller coaster around here!   Please just pray for my sanity!!  I feel like I can breathe a little bit again, but it still just scares the daylights out of me.  I hate to allow myself to go there, but bad things have happened to me already and it is hard not to let my mind go to the worst case scenario right away.  I have already had a worst case scenario.  It didn't help this morning either that the lady who did my ultrasound was the same woman who did the ultrasound when we found out about her issues.  When she came to get me a red flag just went up warning me that she brings me bad news...It brought it all back.  I was relieved that my news was not bad though...Maybe God is still trying to teach me something...

Running..

A few weeks ago I started running.  I used to run in high school for the track team, and ran some in college just for fun.  I have run off and on for a few years, but I have never really been that serious about it.  I considered training for a half marathon just for the heck of it with one of my friends.  We decided to run on Monday mornings after the kids were in school.  I just run with Westyn, and thankfully he loves it!  I started out slow, but I am now up to 6 miles.  I am loving it, and the feeling that it gives me is awesome.  I feel like I am running from all of my anxiety and stress.  It has been very helpful in so many ways. Why didn't I do this before?  Maybe it would have helped me when I was at my worst.  I don't know.  It feels like I am running from my own demons which have plagued me for so long.  There is nothing better than strapping on those headphones and just taking off to a time where I don't have to think about anything negative.  I get to just think, clear my head, get lost in the music...On that note I am really loving the song "Feel Again" by OneRepublic. I know it is about a woman, but it reminds me so much of Westyn and how he gave me that feeling again...I feel like he has allowed me to truly "feel again."  

Westyn turned a year old. I am happy, but I'm sad.  No more babies for me, and I love babies.  I hate thinking that part of my life is over because it makes me feel so old.  I already feel old as it is.  Aubree's death played a toll on my body.  Having a baby made me feel younger in a way..now I don't even have that any more.  Sometimes I look in the mirror, and I can't even recognize myself.  Have I always looked like this?  I know that I will enjoy the new phases of life that we are coming into, but it is still hard to close the door on pregnancy even if it was tough on my legs and on my mental state.

I hate this weather...I love the colors, smells, and just plain beauty of fall, but I hate the feeling of it.  Everything is dying, and it makes me anxious because it means that winter is coming.  As much as I love the snow I can't stand how winter makes me feel.  Cold, sad, empty...So..I am off to strap on those headphones and run from the feeling that seems to be settling into my bones this week...

And Out of the Blue...

I just read a post a few days ago by a friend who talked about triggers. I was thinking about how I haven't had any lately, and I was feeling pretty good that I was doing so well!  I was baking a cake this morning in the kitchen for a friend who just had a baby, and I was dancing around my kitchen to my iTunes.  It was on shuffle on the iPad so I wasn't really paying any attention to what music was coming up.  All of a sudden "Visitor From Heaven" by Twila Paris came on.  I stopped dead in my tracks as tears began to roll down my face.  I completely forgot about that song, and it brought me back to the day of Aubree's funeral.  It also made me think of my friend's daughter.  I cried for both of our girls this morning.  I haven't cried in so long, but this song triggered the memory of her funeral.  It just makes me so sad to think that we never had the chance to be their mothers here on Earth.  I am so thankful for my other children, but I still wanted to be her mother here too..  Sometimes I think I can imagine her playing with my other kids in her whole form..not sick, not in any pain, and just beautiful.  I like to think about matching her in outfits with Carley like I do with the boys.   It really hurts to grow a child that you can't keep and to hold a child in your arms that you have to hand over to a nurse to give to a funeral director.  It changes you, and the only way you are going to be able to see a future for yourself without your child is to have faith that you will see that child again.  Darn trigger...

"Good to Be Alive"

Has anyone else heard this song by Jason Gray?  I can't get the lyrics out of my head because it is a constant reminder that we are on borrowed time.  We need to live our lives like there is no tomorrow.  I know how quickly life can get taken away, and you have to make sure you are living each day to the fullest.  I am so thankful for so many things right now, but I wish that I could take the pain out of this world.  Life just seems so unfair sometimes.  It is hard to live your life thanking God for all that you have when you have already lost so much.  I realize that in the grand scheme of things we are just in our temporary homes and that we have so much to look forward to, but it still makes it difficult to be thankful in the here when you are in pain. 

I am truly thankful for a wonderful therapist who brought me to the other side though.  She was able to help me (by using a therapy for PTSD) that allowed me to set apart my emotions from actual events.  I am now able to talk about what happened with Aubree, and it doesn't feel like the emotions are still there in the same capacity.  I still miss her, and I wish she was here, but I don't feel guilty anymore..That is huge for me.  I have carried so much guilt for so long because I felt like I wasn't caring about her as much because I had Westyn.  I have finally realized that he hasn't replaced her at all.  He is just in addition to her.  That sounds stupid because that is how it has always been, but to actually get it is a completely different thing.  I am 100% ok with moving on now.  I will never forget her or never stop thinking about her, but she is not holding me back anymore.  I am allowing myself to just love without any guilt at all.  I feel empowered with this new knowledge because my mind is so much clearer.  I am able to just function without worrying about how it will look to her if I just love Westyn unconditionally.  He slid into the empty place in our family and it felt so good to have him here, but emotionally it made me feel horrible for feeling content.  Does that make sense?  I felt like I shouldn't be content because she wasn't here too.  Now I realize she is here..just not in the same way that Westyn is, and that is how it was always meant to be.  Acceptance is a freeing feeling.  I have finally accepted her death, and that allowed me to "finish" the grieving process.  I will still have my moments, I'm sure, but her death isn't haunting me emotionally anymore.   Aubree will always have a very special place in our family no matter what happens in our future.  Guilt can really wreak havoc in your life! 

On another note..thanks for all of your prayers and support for my wonderful friend.  She is being so strong (even though she doesn't realize it).  I hate that she has to go through this, and I hope that I can provide some insight into getting through it.  It is such an awful experience, and it takes a while to get through it until you can feel "normal" again.  I remember wondering if I would ever feel like me again.  I am starting to find myself again which is so refreshing.  I will never be the same person, but I am closer now than I was a year ago..

As most of you know I sell Thirty-One so I have decided to have a party for her.  She is the hostess (even though I am doing all of the work) and all of the money that I get from commission off of the party will go to a charity that she chooses in memory of her beautiful daughter, Kara.  If you are interested in shopping you can go to my website at www.mythirtyone.com/amandahb and shop under Stephanie's party.  I am keeping the party open until the 14th.  I just want to try to do something to show her how much we all love her and care!  It isn't much, but it is hopefully meaningful to her.  I have so many ideas, but I don't want to overwhelm her right now.  I am slowly sending her things one at a time to try to "help."  There isn't anything that will make it better, but there are a few things that definitely made me smile when people sent them.  She is really going to need prayers this week once her family goes home.  Reality of life without the child you were anticipating sets in, and it is not a pleasant place to be in...