Shame on Him...

I have been struggling with a variety of emotions since Westyn's birth, and I have been suffering from anxiety attacks as a result.  I have been doing better at times with managing my emotions, but there are times that just set me back to where I started from.  I understand that I am still grieving 27 months later in some ways because certain triggers are hitting me hard all over again.  For example..I was looking for a hat for Westyn the other day on Old Navy's website, but I could not get past the baby girl's sale section for some reason.  I kept clicking on boy, but it brought up girl...I saw all of those adorable clothes that I will never get to wear on her.  I can usually go into a store and see that stuff and not be affected, but that is not the case right now.  Mother's Day was hard this year for some reason.  It was the first time I really sat down and wanted her to be with us too...not just a thought of her being with us..actually wanted her here..like right now!  I could picture her in the mix with the other three.  How crazy and fun that would be...Anyways.  Like I said, I have been having a tough time so I went to my OB to talk to him about some of the physical symptoms I was having.  He was very rushed because he had to deliver a baby (so rushed that he kept getting pages) so he wasn't really listening to me as well as he could have been.  He said he would talk to a friend and get back to me..Almost a week later I get a call from him, and he wants me to see this psychiatrist immediately.  I couldn't drop everything and go there since I have three children so I scheduled with him about two weeks later.  I went to see that man last Weds., and I am ticked...

He of course has never met me before, but he got the very rushed referral from my OB.  He asked me what was going on, and before I could even really talk he told me to cut the "bullshit."  Wow..Nice to meet you too!  He had me crying within minutes, and made me feel like I was a threat to myself and to my children.  He repeatedly said that I will never forgive myself if something happens if I refuse medication.  I argued with him for over an hour, and he of course made me well aware of that.  I just don't understand how he could meet me, and within a few minutes tell me that I had three different things going on.  I asked him how he knew that since he just met me, and he told me that he "was just that good at his job."  He made me doubt myself, and I became deathly afraid that he could be right even though I had never once had a psychotic feeling.   He diagnosed me with something that isn't even in the DSM.  I was a mess of course, and I called my therapist to get her opinion.  She laughed when I told her what he said.  She said she has never once thought I was psychotic, and to not believe what he said about me.  She told me that she has heard of many other people that he has done this to unfortunately.  He seriously told me to go home and tell my husband what "a dick he was."  Wow..I don't use language like that for one, and for him to use it without even knowing me was very unprofessional.  He also told me that praying wouldn't do anything..wow..what does he know?  How does he think he has a right to treat someone like that?  I am sensitive enough as it is..why make it worse and make me doubt my abilities even more?  Anyways.  I decided to get a second opinion.  I will not allow that man anywhere near me! 

After having an awesome session with my therapist we have decided to try hypnosis for my anxiety and post partum OCD that I am experiencing (which is actually more common after trauma).  He made me feel like what I had was rare!  Anyways..I am feeling so much better, and I am not going to believe what that man said about me.  I just hate to think that he did this to other people too..Shame on him for giving psychiatry a bad taste in my mouth.  Shame on him for degrading me (he made sure I felt pretty stupid for not being willing to give up nursing Westyn).  Shame on him for feeling like he is "just that good at his job."  Apparently he is the opposite...

Anyways..on a better note today marks 8 months for Westyn aka crazy pants.  He is a ray of sunshine, and he is full of mischief, but he is my handsome little man.  I love him to pieces, and I am so thankful that I get to be his mom.   Parker had his graduation from the three-year-old program this morning at preschool.  I had tears in my eyes..my first little man is already finished with his first year of preschool.  It just went so quickly! Carley's program is tomorrow.  I doubt I will be able to hold it together at all because this is it for her..she is on to kindergarten next year.  My little baby is going to kindergarten.  How did that happen?  She is so excited, and I am excited for her, but I am sure going to miss having her around all of the time next year.  It will be so quiet and there will be way too many boys!  :)  She helps even it out during the day! :) 

All in all..I am ok, I will be ok, and I am not going to allow that man to define who I am.  I certainly can pray about it, and God will help me through this regardless of what he thinks!