Friday, December 21, 2012

Too Much Sadness..

Here we are just a few days from Christmas, and I can't stop crying about the tragedy that occurred last week. It has really hit me hard for some it because I know what it is like to bury a child, is it because I have a six-year-old and know the innocence of that age, is it because I have to live in such a cruel, evil, world?  I don't know..I just know that I am not taking anything for granted any more.  I love my daughter, but every day she gets on the bus I etch her face into my brain just in case I never get to see her smiling face again.  I worry until the minute she is safe in my arms.  I tell her a million times a day how much I love her.  I want her to NEED her to know how much I love her.  My anxiety has returned thanks to evil in this world.  I am trying to stay calm, but this month is just tough....With everything that has happened recently I can't help but be anxious about everything.  Will someone break in to our house again?  Will Carley be ok at school?  Will Mike make it home from work today?  Blah...I can't stand feeling this way.  Thank goodness I have running to keep me sane! 

I am having a tough time today too for some reason.  I am really missing her.  I know this is a trigger month for me because it was the last month I had before my world was turned upside down.  I hate new years because you never know what is coming.  I know I need to focus on today instead of tomorrow, but it isn't always that easy when your innocence was taken right out from underneath you!  It is snowing today too...that makes me think of her and miss her even more.  Sometimes it is hard to believe that it has almost been three years.  How did three years come and go?  Why is it so hard still at times?  I guess that is just how the holidays might always be for me.  I am not grieving in the same way that I was before, but I still grieve her.  I still miss the idea of her.  I can't help it.  I wish so much that things could have been different and that I could have had both of my children.  I think Aubree and Westyn would have been a mischievous pair!  Some day I can see my whole family as one, but until that day comes I need to find my inner peace so I don't drive myself crazy with anxiety about that what-ifs! 

I hope that all of you have a very Merry Christmas.  For those of you that are in the same boat as me this year...just try to remember that they get to actually sing "Happy Birthday" to Jesus himself!  That thought makes me smile and makes me grateful that she does not have to endure the evil that is so very present in our society right now..Many blessings to you and yours in 2013! 

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