Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Prayers Please..

I have a prayer request for someone very close to me..she just entered the BLM community unfortunately. She just had her first miscarriage at eight weeks. She is not taking this loss very well which is to be expected so she could use all of the prayers she can get. This pregnancy was a big surprise to her since she never thought she could get pregnant on her own. She just can't understand why God would give her a miracle to just take it away..Hmm..I have always wondered the same thing! I keep telling her to just have faith that God is in control. We might not understand why now, but we probably will understand at some point. No..life isn't fair, and it doesn't make any sense at all, but..we have to keep on going. I keep going for the sake of my family. I am just so thankful for them.

Carley drew a picture of her family today at preschool..I noticed Aubree was not in her picture, but there was this yellow squiggly line next to the picture of Mike. I asked her what it was a picture of since everything else had a label..she told me a deer. I asked her why she didn't put Aubree in the picture, and she then told me the squiggly line was Aubree in Heaven. I want for them to include her in our family, but I hate that I am forcing her draw her or to make sure she is included..I don't want them to ignore the fact that she is their sister, but I know that they don't understand since they never got to see her or touch her..she isn't really real to them in many ways. Unfortunately she was really only alive and "real" to me..that can be a lonely place sometimes..

Wednesday, November 24, 2010


This morning my wonderful husband sent me three beautiful devotions that talked about this florist who designs a "Thanksgiving Special." This lady went in to get her Thanksgiving centerpiece, but she didn't know what to get since she had had a rough five months. She really didn't feel very thankful this year. When she told the florist this the lady knew exactly what she needed..as she waited to get her flowers a few others came in to pick up their arrangements..all the special which was twelve long stemmed thorny roses without the flowers. The lady watched in horror as people paid for them and went on their way. She finally just asked the florist why people were not getting the flower part. The florist went on to explain that at times like Thanksgiving we only thank God for the blessings we have..we never remember to thank him for the "thorns" in our life. The thorny arrangements were made as a reminder to her customers to be thankful for the bad times too. After all..wasn't it Christ who wore a crown of thorns so we might know His love?..We should never resent His love.. The lady decided that she would like the special too..the card that came with the bouquet read:

"Dear God, I have never thanked you for my thorns. I have thanked you a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed closer to you along the path of pain. Show me that, through my tears, the colors of your rainbow look much more brilliant."

I am going to try to remember this tomorrow when my heart is hurting because I feel like I have nothing to really be thankful for this year..shame on me for even thinking that way..God has blessed me with so much, but I still just find it so hard sometimes to just be thankful for what happened with Aubree.

May you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving and that you can also be thankful for the thorns in your life..

Tuesday, November 23, 2010


Jesus, please come
Please come today
Hear me
Heal me
Be near me I pray

I have fallen so far
Flat on my face
I’m in need of Your grace today
I stumble and fall
But in spite of it all
Your love always stays the same

Jesus, please come
Please come today
Break me
Mold me
Use me I pray

But don’t give up on me now
I’m so close to You now
I’m in need of Your grace today
wipe the dirt off my face
hold me in Your embrace
Your love always saves the day

I have fallen so far
flat on my face
I’m in need of Your grace today

Sing Hallelujah
Sing Hallelujah
Sing Hallelujah

On my knees here I fall
in spite of it all
And though it seems hard
I’m still trusting You Lord

by Heather Williams

These words were on my heart today..

Monday, November 22, 2010

Nine Months

It has been nine months today..I remembered last night, and I commented about it to Mike but it didn't hit me until the kids and I were on a walk. It is a beautiful fall day outside..partly sunny and very warm. We were walking down the path towards our house when all of a sudden I had this flashback to the day I realized she was no longer moving. That day was also very warm and partly sunny for February..As I was walking down the path I glanced at the path Mike and I had taken that very day to ease our minds of our fears..I remember the words, the tears, the fear, etc..I felt like I was still pregnant, and I actually glanced down at my stomach to see if in fact I was..As I shook the flashback from my head I remembered that she has been gone for nine months today..Nine horrible, blurry months. I don't remember much about them because I have been in a fog for most of them. I know Aubree is doing great where she is. It is her mom who isn't doing so great. I just miss her so much lately, and I do believe the upcoming holidays are the reason. The last happy thing I remember is Christmas of 2009. I am dreading it this year..

Each month that flies by just means that I have been without her for that long. Yeah..I have grown, changed, had some ups, downs, etc, but my life for these past nine months hasn't really been blissful. I want to buy her an adorable Christmas dress that matches my kids..I guess I will just have to settle for some flowers that will eventually die just like my hopes and dreams for her did..At least I know she is in good hands..

Friday, November 19, 2010

And Life Goes On..

Last weekend was full of baby showers for me and a lot of traveling, but it was all worth it because we all had a nice visit with our families. I got to see both sides in the same weekend! It was great! We also got to meet Owen, our new nephew. He is adorable and so perfect. Everyone kept commenting on how tiny he was..he was compared to Carley and Parker, but he weighed a ton compared to Aubree. She was so much smaller, but in reality there are only a few people who know that because only a few people were able to hold her for the short time we had her. It is amazing to me to look at Owen and see how perfect she was even though she was so much younger when she was born. She didn't look like the old man that he apparently did when he was born because he hadn't grown into his skin just yet. She had. I also believe she was much farther along then what they thought though so she would have not really been 31 weeks....She was just tiny from the Trisomy.

We all enjoyed holding Owen..especially Carley. She couldn't get enough. She even kept asking me if we could get a baby like this of our own..She asked me at least twice, but I just kept ignoring her question because words could not come out of my mouth..I felt like I had been punched in the stomach and I had no air to answer her. I didn't know how to answer her..The only words I could summon were, "Maybe some day.."

Monday, November 8, 2010

Looking Forward to 2011..

Last week was tough..it got even tougher as the week went on..I am just so thankful that we are in a new week! After getting through a tough week emotionally we had to get through a tough weekend. My mom and dad's dog, Murphy, got hit by a car in front of my neighbor's house. It was such a horrible event with so much worry. My neighbor came running to my house thinking that it was one of my dogs, but when she saw both of mine come out of the house she asked my kids (who opened the door for her without my knowledge) if their grandma had dogs like Ruger..I heard her voice and came out to ask her if she had found them since my mom was out looking for them. She said they were at her house, but that the young one with the white face got hit by a car...my heart stopped. She said he was up walking around, but he was holding his one leg up. She proceeded to tell me that he hit the front tire of the car, rolled under it, and then the car ran over him..That sentence alone made me think the worst. He had to have some internal damage! I got in touch with my mom finally and she rushed to get him to take him to the Emergency Vet. Hospital about 45 minutes away. We spent time praying about him and just hoping he would be ok..I had to call my dad who was away and my sisters to let them know what had happened. to make a long story short..he is ok..They kept him overnight for observation, but he is ok..He is eating, walking around (hobbling a bit), is really banged up, but he is ALIVE!! He is one lucky dog. I believe that he had God with him that day because in reality he probably shouldn't have survived if the car really did run him over..I do hope he has learned his lesson in that he won't ever chase cars again!!!

Murphy is pretty special to me even if he drives me crazy with his ball obsession sometimes..He was the dog who stayed by my side at all times when I came home from the hospital after delivering Aubree..he was not going to let me alone because he knew I needed him. He is faithful, and he was there to remind me that I was not alone. He never acted like that before..It was really strange yet so comforting to know that a dog could understand that I needed comforted.

I look forward to 2011 because I am hoping that it is better than 2010 has been for our family. Emotionally it has been a tough year...I don't even really remember most of this year to be honest with you. It has all gone by in such a blur. I just found out about this poor pregnant girl who has just found out her unborn son has Trisomy 13. It is similar to Trisomy 18 in that the child doesn't have a very good chance of survival if they make it through the pregnancy. She is 23 weeks along..I can remember being in her shoes and not knowing if this was the last day you had with your child. Every day was spent being thankful for the time you have with them, loving every movement, etc., but it was also spent worrying about the fact that your child could die at any moment..I am just going to pray for this family and for this baby. I hope that her son defies all odds and gets to live a full life with his family. I hate to think that this family is going through what we went through..it just breaks my heart because I was there, am still there, etc. Her life will never be the same ever again..

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Gingerbread Latte

You know your life isn't going that great when a Gingerbread Latte is the highlight of your month. Mike and I have been in a funk, as he calls it, lately, and we are just getting by it feels like. We have gotten into some debt for the first time ever due to some doctor bills, getting our doors painted, an unforeseen bill from an excavator in our area, etc. That stress on top of everything else has made us both pretty edgy..We haven't been too edgy with each other, but we are not really talking much either because neither one of us really has much to say. The kids are not behaving so we find ourselves yelling which is not how we want to be as parents. It has just been a tough few weeks it seems like. I feel like I am on the verge of an emotional breakdown at times. My anxiety is out in full force, and I feel sick to my stomach all of the time. Mint gum has become my best friend. Carley is even starting to tell me her tummy hurts, and she needs a piece of gum. I realize she is just wanting the gum, but the fact that she is using that as an excuse just means that I am chewing way too much gum...

I am starting to dread Christmas..finding Aubree's stocking that will sit empty once again this year..I now have to make another dog stocking instead. I never thought this is how 2010 would turn out. I have cried more this year then I have cried in my lifetime I think. Mike keeps asking me how 2011 will be better..I don't know..it just has to be better because I don't know how much more I can take without breaking. Life just seems so unfair, and I am starting to get angry. It's amazing how much worse I feel now then I did four months ago..why now? It just doesn't make sense why now is so difficult. Is it because of all of the holidays? I don't know...

Today started out on a bad note with my dog having an accident all over our carpet in the hall. He sometimes is a little messy when he goes to the bathroom, and he never stays in one place so there was a BIG mess. Cleaning up that big mess made us run late..so late that I had to give the kids their breakfast in the car. I don't like being that way with them..it just makes their day start off on a bad note too. I didn't have time to make a cup of coffee so I ran to Starbucks and thankfully had enough on a gift card to cover the Gingerbread Latte that made my day. I was hopeful that they had the syrup, but when she asked me if I would like to try a Gingerbread Latte I was overjoyed..yes! Something went right today! To top it all off..I think I might be getting a cold. I started sneezing this afternoon so I am doubling up on my Elderberry (the natural stuff that I use), and taking Airborne to try to help..Blah..I think my emotional state has me so run down that my body is giving up the fight..

Today we vote so that means change may be in store..maybe 2010 is all about change for me. I have changed, my life has changed, etc. Maybe we are slowly starting to become the people we were meant to be..it could be positive...who knows. I just feel like things have already started changing so maybe this is just the beginning...

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