Saturday, August 28, 2010


I am so excited that my plans are slowly coming together to honor Aubree. I have recently found the website Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope and they are doing an outreach program that is very exciting. They are making up postcards about their site to include in the bereavement package you get at your hospital or clinic. I called the lady that I usually talk to who is in charge of that, and she is very excited to include some internet sources since that is where most people go these days for support. She is an older woman who isn't very technologically advanced so having this information is a huge blessing to her! I feel like I am going in the right direction now. I am also going to start working on getting Angie Smith's book as a resource to include as honor of my beautiful girl. I don't know why I didn't think about this before, but I am going to get in touch with Family Christian and with Majesty bookstore because they might be able to help me get a discount on a larger order. I used a Christian bookstore before when I did something similar for couples facing infertility. I know my brain just doesn't always work in the way that it used to all of the time! I will keep you posted on how this all comes together!

Last night really shocked me in many ways....We took Carley to her open house at Seeds of Faith Christian Academy where she will be starting preschool on Tuesday. I am very overwhelmed by all of the materials we received such as school calendars, newsletters, book orders, etc. I am excited that she will be in a much more organized program this year. They already have a field trip planned for October to our local pumpkin patch. I think she is going to love it there! I of course wanted to know what the morning schedule was like, what they did in circle time, lesson plans, etc..I just need to back off and realize I am not in charge of what she learns..:) It is just the educator/early childhood part of me coming out. I almost asked if they posted their lesson plans..I didn't thankfully..I just did that for my parents when I taught preschool so I just assumed all did. I think we get a newsletter instead. I was excited to see that they are going to learn Nursery Rhymes..that never happens these days! The part that really shocked me was that when I was asked how many kids I had I answered three right away, but I mentioned that Aubree was stillborn about six months ago. The teacher was very sorry, but I just kept on going and told her I wanted her to know in case Carley ever talked about Baby Aubree since we are very open about talking about her. I never got emotional..I just said it very matter of fact. Maybe I really am ok talking about her now. I was just so surprised with how I handled it. I didn't care if it made someone uncomfortable. She is my daughter, and I am going to talk about her even if people don't necessarily know how to handle what I say. I was just too worried before to just share that part of my life because I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable. She happened, and she is a big part of my family even if she doesn't "live" with us. See..I am moving in a different direction already!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

6 Months...

I just can't believe it has been six months since Aubree left us. It seems unreal that time has flown by that quickly. I guess we have just been living in a fog for so long that time just keeps on going without us realizing how much time has really gone by. Life is just so different now. I continue to see things differently then I ever would have before. I am just so much more aware of heartache, pain, suffering, etc. Not that I wasn't aware of it before, but I never really got it. I feel like 2010 has been one of the worst years for us so far in some ways even though parts of it have been a blessing. We got to move in to our new home...that is a huge blessing. We have gotten to spend some wonderful times with our friends here. I feel like we are entertaining more this summer then we ever have. I guess being more social has also been a noticeable change in me. I guess I feel the need to surround myself with others so I don't dwell on what is missing from my life.

When I hear about what my friend's kids are doing I can't help but think about what Aubree would have been doing at this point..If she was like Parker she would be crawling already! Yikes! I look at that guest room, and it just feels wrong. I really dislike having a guest room even though I know it is nice to have for when we have company overnight which is rare. I wish it was being used for other things, but I guess that wasn't meant to be. I look back on the past six months, and I think about how much grief has been surrounding my family. I don't want the next six months to be the same. I want to take the next six months of this year and focus on positive wonderful family, friends, and various other blessings that I have. I want to remember Aubree and to think of her fondly instead of with sadness. I need to find a way to honor her in the second part of this year. I have an idea in mind, but I guess I just need to put it in motion! I am going to look ahead of instead of behind...I need to keep going forward. I may never be the same person again, but I am a new me...Maybe this me will be better..we shall see. How can you be the same person as you were before when a piece of your heart is missing? You are no longer "whole" like you were before. We can try to become as "normal" as we were before and we might get close, but we will still be parents who have lost a big part of our hearts. Six months ago today I got to hold my beautiful baby girl in my arms, but she will be in my heart forever. Sending much love to Aubree in Heaven today..

Thursday, August 12, 2010

What a Week!

This week has been crazy already being that my kids and husband have been sick all week. I have been so worried about all of them because I feel like it is my job to make sure they come out ok on the other end of whatever it is that they have. Poor Parker has been wheezing and has an ear infection. It is killing me to have to restrain him while he is kicking and screaming to do the nebulizer treatments every four hours..He dreads it when he sees the machine because he knows he will be held down..I am trying to reason with him, but reasoning with a two year old is just impossible sometimes! I just hope he is on the mend so we can stop torturing ourselves with it! I guess I will find out tomorrow. I think about how I can care for my family, but why couldn't I care for Aubree? I couldn't make her better no matter what I did..

I have been worrying about Aubree..strange as that may seem I have been. I was thinking about how worried I would be if she was here with all of this sickness going would she have handled it? I don't know why I allow my mind to wander there, but I do. I think so differently now. I worry about things I never used to because now I know anything can happen to me. Every mole I see I think it might be changing, every person who comes to my door that I don't know might be here to kidnap one of my kids, hurt us, etc..I hate that I think that way, but I guess I am just realizing that I am not invincible and need to be more aware of what could happen. I shouldn't dwell on it, but I can't help where my mind wanders sometimes...

I recently just found a blog of a bunch of women who have lost babies in one way or another. It is called Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. I am following that blog and it truly makes my heart break when every day there are more and more women sharing their stories..that just means a lot of women are experiencing heartache each and every day due to their children going to Heaven before them. I read about these poor women who have tried for years to have a baby to only lose that baby in the end..I know what it is like to want something so badly for years, and to struggle to try to make that is devastating when your attempts have failed each and every month. When I had my miscarriage after trying so hard for so long it was devastating..I had no idea that life would get even worse, but at that moment it was the worst thing I had ever experienced. I made the comment to my therapist that there are so many people out there who have it so much worse then me..she is worried that I am not allowing myself to grieve because I am feeling like I shouldn't have anything to be upset about..I understand it isn't healthy for me to just go on acting like nothing happened and that it shouldn't have any effect on me, but..I can't help but feel even worse for those people out there who don't have any children or just keep experiencing loss after loss after loss..I know what happened to me was awful, but I also know that there are women out there who have lost so much more..My heart goes out to all of those women, and I pray that God will bless them with the desires of their hearts..

Saturday, August 7, 2010


I have been pretty lost these past few days just thinking about where I was at a year ago. At about this time I was happy just thinking about the new baby that I just learned would be completing our family..happy thinking about what that baby might be like, just happy period. I think about that time because I had no idea what was coming. I look at where I am now, and it makes me so sad to think that nothing turned out the way that I thought it was going to. It is hard to choke down sometimes. I am just missing her so much these days because it was about one year ago that I began my journey with her.

I have been wondering what her life might be like now, and I have been seeing little things that are reminders to me that she is just fine. Last weekend I was sitting out on the deck when a red dragonfly landed on my plate. I have never had this happen before or ever even seen a red one. It was the most beautiful dragonfly I have ever seen..the wings were amazing. I can't even begin to describe them because there were so many beautiful details within them. I have always thought of Aubree as my red girl even though she didn't end up having my hair, but her personality was just like mine..It felt to me like she was just telling me that she is doing just fine and that she is to fly, free to live her life in beauty, free of any pain..The dragonfly only stayed for a minute or so, but it reassured me that she is happy. Another sign that she is doing great is actually from the flowers at her grave. I went back this past week, and I found that not only are her flowers still blooming, but she is getting more buds! Mine have been dead for weeks! She continues to show her beauty and she will never be forgotten..I am just so amazed at this because our plants were planted within hours of each other. I know that I shouldn't be surprised about this at all..that is just how God works!

I have also been thinking about Joseph's story because that is what I taught all week at Bible School. He went from being in jail to controlling much of Egypt as a result of the fact that he could interpret dreams that foretold of what was to come for Egypt. He pretty much saved the people because he was able to save up enough grain to last them through the famine. I know that Joseph went from feeling hopeless to feeling fulfilled as a result of his trust in God...I hope that I will also go from feeling hopeless at some point. I will just continue to trust God that I too will be carried through to the other side..

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