This week has been crazy already being that my kids and husband have been sick all week. I have been so worried about all of them because I feel like it is my job to make sure they come out ok on the other end of whatever it is that they have. Poor Parker has been wheezing and has an ear infection. It is killing me to have to restrain him while he is kicking and screaming to do the nebulizer treatments every four hours..He dreads it when he sees the machine because he knows he will be held down..I am trying to reason with him, but reasoning with a two year old is just impossible sometimes! I just hope he is on the mend so we can stop torturing ourselves with it! I guess I will find out tomorrow. I think about how I can care for my family, but why couldn't I care for Aubree? I couldn't make her better no matter what I did..
I have been worrying about Aubree..strange as that may seem I have been. I was thinking about how worried I would be if she was here with all of this sickness going around..how would she have handled it? I don't know why I allow my mind to wander there, but I do. I think so differently now. I worry about things I never used to because now I know anything can happen to me. Every mole I see I think it might be changing, every person who comes to my door that I don't know might be here to kidnap one of my kids, hurt us, etc..I hate that I think that way, but I guess I am just realizing that I am not invincible and need to be more aware of what could happen. I shouldn't dwell on it, but I can't help where my mind wanders sometimes...
I recently just found a blog of a bunch of women who have lost babies in one way or another. It is called Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. I am following that blog and it truly makes my heart break when every day there are more and more women sharing their stories..that just means a lot of women are experiencing heartache each and every day due to their children going to Heaven before them. I read about these poor women who have tried for years to have a baby to only lose that baby in the end..I know what it is like to want something so badly for years, and to struggle to try to make that happen..it is devastating when your attempts have failed each and every month. When I had my miscarriage after trying so hard for so long it was devastating..I had no idea that life would get even worse, but at that moment it was the worst thing I had ever experienced. I made the comment to my therapist that there are so many people out there who have it so much worse then me..she is worried that I am not allowing myself to grieve because I am feeling like I shouldn't have anything to be upset about..I understand it isn't healthy for me to just go on acting like nothing happened and that it shouldn't have any effect on me, but..I can't help but feel even worse for those people out there who don't have any children or just keep experiencing loss after loss after loss..I know what happened to me was awful, but I also know that there are women out there who have lost so much more..My heart goes out to all of those women, and I pray that God will bless them with the desires of their hearts..
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I read this book about a man who lost three loved ones in an accident. He lost his wife, a child, and his mother in law. I believe the book is called A Grace Disguised. Anyway, he said something that made so much sense. He said that loss is loss. He said you can not quantify any loss. They all are bad. So, he really did not think that his losses were any harder than someone who only loses one loved one. He said that he grieves each of the people that he lost in that accident and each differently, but that he did not think he would feel better if he had only lost one person. I feel like I am not getting the point across like he did and if you want me to send you that book, I will. Just email me. It is a really good book. Hugs and prayers!
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