Sunday, November 3, 2013

My Simple Life

The last post I wrote I started a long time ago, but I never published it.  I wasn't sure if I would, but I felt like it needed to be said.  I am glad I posted it, and I am glad I got my feelings out there.  It feels much better to just be honest with myself sometimes.

A lot has changed since my previous post.  I am in a much better place again thankfully.  I did get my chickens and my goats.  My two baby goats (Fern and Ivy) are thriving, and the kids love them.  The chickens, roosters (surprise roosters), and my guineas provide hours of entertainment for all of us.  Westyn just loves his "chicky."  We are using collecting eggs as a learning experience because he gets to count them every day.  I love my little simple life here on "Hope Acre" as we like to call it.  Two of my roosters will be finding their home in my freezer this week though.  I am sad to think about it, but we have way too many roosters for the amount of hens we have.  We are keeping one to see how it goes because we would like to incubate a few eggs in the spring.  Parker really wants some chicks.  :) Luckily there is a lady not too far from here that will take care of my roosters for me because I don't think I could fathom them being killed on our property.  Such is life I guess..

In other big news, I finally ran my half marathon.  I have wanted to do it for so long, but I never signed up.  I ran the Hershey Half on October 20th.  I loved every minute of it, and I came in under my goal of two hours.  I definitely have the running bug unfortunately.  It does wonders for my anxiety and for my mind though.  I am running another half with my girlfriends on November 10th too.  I am excited to get back out there and run with them since I have been off this week due to my vein surgery on my left leg. I haven't run since last Sunday so I am hoping I will be ok to run 13.1 next weekend.  After running my half I have decided that I need to do a marathon.  I really want to do one, but I have promised Mike that I won't run one until Westyn is in school.  The training just eats up too much time during the day when you have little ones at home.  I understand that my kids need me right now so I won't be doing it until they are busy doing their own things in school.  It is just something I need to do for me.  I have a lot of changes to make before I run a marathon too. I understand what I need to do so I will be working on that in the next few years.  :)  I am just so thankful that running can provide me with such a great escape from the every day stresses of life.  I have a lot of great songs on my playlist too that are encouraging.  My most recent download is "God's Great Dance Floor" by Chris Tomlin.  Great beat and great message.  Nothing better in my book!

This has been a sad week for a lot of people around me unfortunately.  Death has come too soon for several babies.  Some expected and others unexpected.  I have been praying for peace for so many families.  I really hope they are able to hold their heads high and hold on to the fact that their children are the lucky ones.  They were just too good for this Earth..May God grant peace to all of those grieving this week..

The Honest Truth..

When Aubree died a part of me died with her, and I basically checked out.  When I checked out I also lost my interest in being a mother.  I mean..I was so wracked with grief over a little girl I barely got to spend any time with, and I began to think about what losing the two that had been in my life for years would do to me.  I wasn't sure (and still aren't) that I would survive.  I love them too much, but I wanted to protect myself from being hurt by them if something horrible happened to them. My stupid mind thought I could actually separate my feelings from them.  Yeah right.  I think of all of the years that I have been pulling away to protect myself from hurt, but I realize that I am only hurting myself more by being overly anxious about everything now.  I am so afraid of that "what ifs."  I know I need to just enjoy my life with them because they truly do grow way too quickly, but it is so hard to just go about my day like nothing happened.  Aubree was real..she was a beautiful little girl that we couldn't wait to have join our family, but she died.  She never even lived with us.  She never met my sisters, my extended family, etc.  She is just a "stillborn" to everyone.  She was my daughter.  My beautiful daughter..

I did rely on my kids when she died to give me a reason to get out of bed.  I did not want to play with them.  I did not want to have fun.  I did not want to smile.  I had no reason to be happy.  My life was not what I expected it to be.  I didn't know anyone else who had this happen to them personally so it felt like I had did something wrong and didn't deserve her.  I was a bad parent who didn't deserve another child because I didn't love my first two enough.  These are all of the things that went through my head and still do at times.  I felt like I was dirty in some could my body create a beautiful baby that wasn't even meant to live?  My body betrayed me.  Again..I felt like I had done something wrong.  I blamed myself for not being able to do anything.  I hated myself, and I still struggle with that.  I don't know who I am anymore.  I am slowly trying to find myself.  Parts of me are still there, and I find them every so often so I can slowly put the pieces back together of the messed up puzzle that is my life. 

Being a mom is hard.  I find it to be emotionally challenging most of the time.  I love my children so much, but I have spent so much time keeping my emotions in check that I find they don't rely on me for their emotional support.  I wasn't there when they needed me.  I am trying to be better and to be better for them.  In so many ways it sucks to be a mom.  No one likes to watch their kid with a 103 fever moaning and lethargic, or throwing up every thing in their little stomachs but not understanding why they feel that way, or just plain get hurt by life's every day battles.  Parenting is hard for a parent who didn't experience loss, but it is extra hard for those of us who know what it is like to lose something so precious to us.  The thought of it happening again is way too big for our minds to even handle.  A simple fever could mean leukemia, a bump on the head could be a brain tumor, a mole is always changing in your eyes, etc.  Normal things that turn into big things...This is my life now, and I hate it.  I am trying so hard to just relax and enjoy every single moment, but it is so hard sometimes to just snap out of it.

Like I said, being a mom is hard, but being a mom is also very rewarding.  I think about Westyn's loving nature, and his huge smile.  I would have missed out on that if Aubree was here with us.  I think about my other children.  They would be different too.  Carley might be more relaxed and less anxious about things.  Parker might be better behaved.  I don't know.  I just know that our life would have been so different had she lived.  I would have a preschooler this year...I am so thankful for my children, and because I love them so much I vow to be a better mom to them because they deserve it regardless of my fears.  I have been given longer with any of them already than I ever got with Aubree.  I need to be thankful for that...

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

A Changed Life..

Life is all about change, about growing, about learning, etc.  I am all about change right now.  I am changing as a result of looking at life around me.  I don't like what I see.  I don't like where I am right now.  I am trying to find joy in the simple things again.  I was so depressed with life around me that I thought the answer was just to pick up and leave this sorry little town.  Start over.  Starting over is not going to change what happened or change me.  I knew that, but running away from problems is just what I do.  I always have.  Mike always says that is not the answer, but I hate dealing with things so it is just easier for me.  I have had so much anger lately that it is leading to anxiety and depression again.  My mood has just plain sucked lately.  I decided that I needed to just stop...just change the way I viewed things.  I needed to live more simply.

When I was running the trails around my house yesterday I looked at how beautiful they were, and I was just going to leave it all without even looking back.  Running from my problems is not the answer.  I am being proactive now.  I am making positive changes.  I am becoming the person I need to be for my family..a simple mom who just enjoys the little things in life.  We don't need a lot to be happy contrary to the popular belief that most of society holds right now.

We have changed churches, and it has been a wonderful thing for our whole family.  The kids are excited about going, and I actually am learning again from the Pastor.  He is so engaging and he makes so much sense to me.  I have been lost in our church for quite some time, but I haven't been able to leave it because we have so many wonderful friends there.  We decided we needed to make a change that was right for the whole family.  The kids have friends at our new church already so it has been positive for them too.  I like hearing them say, "Can we go back to that church again next week?"  Instead of, "I hate church.  It is so boring.  I don't want to go."  It has been wonderful....I am going to live out some dreams of being a "farmer."  I am hopefully getting some chickens and a goat.  I want to teach my kids responsibility.  I don't want them to live in a world in which they think everyone owes them something.  I am going to attempt to ground them.  We shall see.

I have a lot more changing to do, but I am working on things.  I am working on making new friendships, nurturing the ones who enjoy the simple things, etc.  Surrounding myself with honest, simple people has really made a positive impact on my life.  Surrounding myself with people who get me is helpful too.  I am different, and I think differently as a result of losing Aubree.  I miss her so much every single day, and it is nice to be around people who truly get that.  I will continue to change..strive to be better for myself and for my family...

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Just Something To Think About..

It has been a while, but I feel the need to write.  Life these past few months has been as crazy as usual with a toddler who is pushing buttons to see how far he can go, a preschooler who has decided he doesn't like school, and a kindergarten student who has all of a sudden blossomed into a social butterfly.  I am enjoying these moments even if my anxiety has been returning in small waves.  Speaking of anxiety...I don't want to offend anyone in the mental health field with those post because I truly do think there is a need for drugs and such for certain people...but not everyone..

It has been about a year since I saw that terrible doctor who said terrible things about the state of my mental health.  He wanted to put me on several different drugs in order to keep me from "doing something I would regret to either myself or my children."  It has been a year, and I have never taken a single drug...He seemed to know what I needed in those first five minutes of meeting him because he was "just that good at his job."  Really?  Did I really need those drugs when I am functioning even better than I was at that time without the use of anything?  I have been taking Lemon Balm for my anxiety, but that is just a calming herb.  It has just made me think about how many people out there are taking drugs they don't really need.  Talking to a therapist seriously did the trick for me..Talking can be the best medicine for some of us...not all of us, but there are way too many people out there who are being prescribed things they don't need.  It just makes me sad for them.  What if I had listened to him and had just gone along with his plan just trusting that he really was just that good at his job?  It just makes me so angry that we go to people in a fragile state just coming out feeling much worse thinking that we might harm ourselves or others if we don't take the drugs they think will help us.  I can understand really needing them if you have been working with someone for a while and talking is just not helping you at all..but just meeting someone for an hour and within a few minutes labeling them?  That just isn't right!  There is definitely a place for antidepressants, anti anxiety medicines, etc., but it might not the answer for everyone.  I just wish they would take more time listening to people instead of just throwing prescriptions in their faces and making them feel like they really need to take them if they want to stay sane.  That sort of sounds like bullying to me...

I am well...I am happy for the most part.  I have been getting back in touch with my feelings again after shoving them down for a long time.  I am learning to be content, and I am learning to not be so afraid of just being the real me no matter who I might lose as a friend.  I have discovered that I am secretly a country girl.  I like living in the country, but I am starting to feel the part..I want chickens, a goat, etc.  Yes...I want to raise some animals.  I have no idea where this came from, but I am finding such joy in frogs, tadpoles, etc.  I am letting my hair down (not really since it is up every day these days), but I am just loving not caring about what everyone else might think if I truly turn into a country girl. :)  Let them think I am crazy!  I know a lot of people already think I am crazy for letting my dogs sleep in bed with me!  :) 

I just felt the need to remind you to just be an advocate for yourself.  Doctors do not always know you better than you know yourself.  There are times when they do, but they aren't always "just that good at their jobs." 

Friday, February 22, 2013

Three Years

I still can't believe it has been three years already and at other times it feels like a lifetime ago.  Westyn turned 17 months today so it seems like an eternity ago that I was pregnant with her.  It's amazing how much can change in three short years.  I feel like I am getting better in the way that handle my grief, but it still is always there.  Everyone keeps asking me how I am doing today.  I am ok.  It is just another day...I miss her every day, but today just makes me miss her that much more because I have to sing "Happy Birthday" to a grave instead of to the beautiful little girl anxiously awaiting her birthday cake. 

I often wonder what she would be like at three.  What would her personality be like..would she be like my daughter and not be into girly things or would she be the one who just loves princesses.  I will never know.  It sucks that I will never know.  All of these things that so many people take for granted.  I know that there are people out there who don't, but there are way too many who do take the little things for granted.  It's sad.  I find myself kissing my kids just because I feel like it or when I walk past them.  Even if they get nothing else from me they will know that they were loved.  I hope they feel that. 

I have been reminiscing this week.  Listening to the music we played at her funeral without turning it off immediately, listening to the song that we got her name from, and watching the slideshow that our NILMDTS photographer made of the pictures she took.  I spent a week crying, but I know that is ok.  I don't do it all of the time, but I needed to this week.  I needed to be reminded of her beauty and of how she changed my life. She was a gift to me even if I didn't get to keep her for long.  I am so thankful for all of the kind words that everyone has shared today and the warm thoughts and hugs.  It really means a lot to me.

Life goes on...and I will still miss her every day.  I am just so glad that I got to spend some time with her today even if it was freezing rain on me.  I hope she enjoys her red tulips.  Perfect love is the meaning of the red tulip, and I think that is very fitting to our relationship.  Happy 3rd Birthday sweet girl.  Mommy loves you...

Monday, February 18, 2013


I am subscribed to Trisomy 18's feed on Facebook, and I just recently read this article they posted about this little boy who was not expected to live past two months who just turned six last month.  The mother of this little boy had written this article to praise a few men who took the time to give her son a wonderful time skiing.  His special education class apparently went to a ski resort, and while they were there the mother got hooked up with two men who agreed to take her son's sled on a few runs.  She described the men as men who were not afraid of much so she is almost positive he wasn't staying on the bunny slope!  She said that the squeals of delight coming from her son were just amazing.  They came down and asked her if they could take him again.  She agreed of course.  She just wanted to thank the two men who were so wonderful with her son.  I am reading this article with tears streaming down my face because the ski resort just happens to be my favorite ski resort which is Durango Mountain Resort in Colorado.  It just reminded me that I never got to take Aubree skiing, and I never got to experience that.  Sure, I am glad that mother had the opportunity, but it just seems so unfair.  I am sure her life has not been easy these past six years, but she has had six years!  I would have given anything to just have been given six minutes...To let my family hold her and let her how know how much she was loved.  Maybe my kids could have really held her and told her they loved her.   We could have sent her off in love.  Sometimes it just seems so unfair.  I know many people think it was easier this way, but it really wasn't.  When you never get to lock eyes with your own child and hold them while they are breathing you would understand, but as her mother I grieved that I never got to do that.  I understood she was not meant to live, but that does not mean that I didn't want to experience even a part of life with her. 

As I get closer to the 22nd I realize how long it has been since she has been with me...three years.  It seems like yesterday and it seems like ages ago...I still miss her so much. 

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

When Life Was Different..

Three years ago my life was much different than it is today.  I walked into the hospital for a routine ultrasound on a very cold day much like today.  I remember telling Mike how nervous I was.  He couldn't understand my fears, but I just knew that something wasn't right.  Hours later my fears were confirmed, and my life was over as I knew it.  I was that person who had something wrong with her baby, but they couldn't tell me what at that point.  It took a few weeks before I learned the extent.  Even knowing that something was wrong was completely different than finding out that your baby is going to die, but you just didn't know when.  Boy...what a fun month that was.  Three years ago seems like such a long time yet I can still remember it like it was yesterday. 

I remember not being able to talk, and I wasn't even sure I could drive home because I was crying so hard.  Mike wasn't sure if I could make it either.  I remember calling my mom, but she couldn't understand me through the tears.  I also remember sitting by the fireplace at my mom's just willing this to all be a nightmare.  I was so numb and so sad...The unknown was too much to handle.  I went from a blissful life to a life I didn't understand or want to experience.  Things weren't easy anymore.  I started to worry about everything.  I went from pretty chill as a mom to overly worried about the little things.  I am still working on that today although I am much better.  Anxiety took up residence in my life...just waiting for the day that my child would be taken from this world.  I tried to see the beauty in every minute with her, but I kept fighting the heartbreak that was always there.  How could I be carrying a child that was meant to die?  My hopes and dreams for her went down the toilet.  This little girl that I carried inside of me that was so alive was never meant to walk on this Earth.  I was so sick with her at the beginning of my pregnancy..went through horrible throbbing veins with her, had to just wait for her to stop moving...Not one minute after January 22nd was spent being happy until the next year rolled around...exactly one year later..Isobel was born, and I found out I was pregnant again..Westyn showed his presence very early on the morning on January 22nd in 2011..Was it a coincidence?  I don't think so..I truly believe that Aubree sent me a gift since that day the year before was so horrible.   I hate this day so much yet I have had so much beauty come out of it too.  Three years...I just can't believe that it was three years ago.  I still miss her every day, and I often wonder what her almost three year-old self would be like...

Today was just another day...a day of fevers with Westyn, and a bus accident for Carley.  Why did it all happen today?  I wonder if God is still testing me.  Why couldn't today just have been peaceful and full of love for all that I have instead of worrying and worrying about the things that are out of my control?  Carley is ok, and Westyn is just fine, but I still wonder...

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