Tuesday, June 4, 2013

A Changed Life..

Life is all about change, about growing, about learning, etc.  I am all about change right now.  I am changing as a result of looking at life around me.  I don't like what I see.  I don't like where I am right now.  I am trying to find joy in the simple things again.  I was so depressed with life around me that I thought the answer was just to pick up and leave this sorry little town.  Start over.  Starting over is not going to change what happened or change me.  I knew that, but running away from problems is just what I do.  I always have.  Mike always says that is not the answer, but I hate dealing with things so it is just easier for me.  I have had so much anger lately that it is leading to anxiety and depression again.  My mood has just plain sucked lately.  I decided that I needed to just stop...just change the way I viewed things.  I needed to live more simply.

When I was running the trails around my house yesterday I looked at how beautiful they were, and I was just going to leave it all without even looking back.  Running from my problems is not the answer.  I am being proactive now.  I am making positive changes.  I am becoming the person I need to be for my family..a simple mom who just enjoys the little things in life.  We don't need a lot to be happy contrary to the popular belief that most of society holds right now.

We have changed churches, and it has been a wonderful thing for our whole family.  The kids are excited about going, and I actually am learning again from the Pastor.  He is so engaging and he makes so much sense to me.  I have been lost in our church for quite some time, but I haven't been able to leave it because we have so many wonderful friends there.  We decided we needed to make a change that was right for the whole family.  The kids have friends at our new church already so it has been positive for them too.  I like hearing them say, "Can we go back to that church again next week?"  Instead of, "I hate church.  It is so boring.  I don't want to go."  It has been wonderful....I am going to live out some dreams of being a "farmer."  I am hopefully getting some chickens and a goat.  I want to teach my kids responsibility.  I don't want them to live in a world in which they think everyone owes them something.  I am going to attempt to ground them.  We shall see.

I have a lot more changing to do, but I am working on things.  I am working on making new friendships, nurturing the ones who enjoy the simple things, etc.  Surrounding myself with honest, simple people has really made a positive impact on my life.  Surrounding myself with people who get me is helpful too.  I am different, and I think differently as a result of losing Aubree.  I miss her so much every single day, and it is nice to be around people who truly get that.  I will continue to change..strive to be better for myself and for my family...

3 comments:

  1. I'm glad you're finding your way. I definitely think that the loss of our children changes us and sometimes those around us can't handle it. I'm still finding my way through this, but it certainly makes for renegotiating relationships and sometimes ending them. I'm tired of people waiting for me to be who I was, she's gone...and it's exhausting to put on a show for people.
    Good luck, I hope you can find some peace. Hugs and prayers to you!

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    1. It is exhausting isn't it? Just trying to find yourself again, and trying to put the pieces back together when life around you still goes on like it always has. So many people have disappointed me, and instead of just ignoring it I have allowed it to really hurt me. I am done. I am putting the people who count first...I hope you find some peace too. Many hugs and prayers! :)

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