When Aubree died a part of me died with her, and I basically checked out. When I checked out I also lost my interest in being a mother. I mean..I was so wracked with grief over a little girl I barely got to spend any time with, and I began to think about what losing the two that had been in my life for years would do to me. I wasn't sure (and still aren't) that I would survive. I love them too much, but I wanted to protect myself from being hurt by them if something horrible happened to them. My stupid mind thought I could actually separate my feelings from them. Yeah right. I think of all of the years that I have been pulling away to protect myself from hurt, but I realize that I am only hurting myself more by being overly anxious about everything now. I am so afraid of that "what ifs." I know I need to just enjoy my life with them because they truly do grow way too quickly, but it is so hard to just go about my day like nothing happened. Aubree was real..she was a beautiful little girl that we couldn't wait to have join our family, but she died. She never even lived with us. She never met my sisters, my extended family, etc. She is just a "stillborn" to everyone. She was my daughter. My beautiful daughter..
I did rely on my kids when she died to give me a reason to get out of bed. I did not want to play with them. I did not want to have fun. I did not want to smile. I had no reason to be happy. My life was not what I expected it to be. I didn't know anyone else who had this happen to them personally so it felt like I had did something wrong and didn't deserve her. I was a bad parent who didn't deserve another child because I didn't love my first two enough. These are all of the things that went through my head and still do at times. I felt like I was dirty in some ways..how could my body create a beautiful baby that wasn't even meant to live? My body betrayed me. Again..I felt like I had done something wrong. I blamed myself for not being able to do anything. I hated myself, and I still struggle with that. I don't know who I am anymore. I am slowly trying to find myself. Parts of me are still there, and I find them every so often so I can slowly put the pieces back together of the messed up puzzle that is my life.
Being a mom is hard. I find it to be emotionally challenging most of the time. I love my children so much, but I have spent so much time keeping my emotions in check that I find they don't rely on me for their emotional support. I wasn't there when they needed me. I am trying to be better and to be better for them. In so many ways it sucks to be a mom. No one likes to watch their kid with a 103 fever moaning and lethargic, or throwing up every thing in their little stomachs but not understanding why they feel that way, or just plain get hurt by life's every day battles. Parenting is hard for a parent who didn't experience loss, but it is extra hard for those of us who know what it is like to lose something so precious to us. The thought of it happening again is way too big for our minds to even handle. A simple fever could mean leukemia, a bump on the head could be a brain tumor, a mole is always changing in your eyes, etc. Normal things that turn into big things...This is my life now, and I hate it. I am trying so hard to just relax and enjoy every single moment, but it is so hard sometimes to just snap out of it.
Like I said, being a mom is hard, but being a mom is also very rewarding. I think about Westyn's loving nature, and his huge smile. I would have missed out on that if Aubree was here with us. I think about my other children. They would be different too. Carley might be more relaxed and less anxious about things. Parker might be better behaved. I don't know. I just know that our life would have been so different had she lived. I would have a preschooler this year...I am so thankful for my children, and because I love them so much I vow to be a better mom to them because they deserve it regardless of my fears. I have been given longer with any of them already than I ever got with Aubree. I need to be thankful for that...