Wednesday, December 17, 2014

A Christmas Rant

My kids have been horrible since Thanksgiving, and every part of me is tired of Christmas.  It's supposed to be a magical time of year, but I am finding it to be sad and downright aggravating.  Christmas is not supposed to be about presents and Santa but that is all the kids focus on.  I am sad.  I am not doing a good enough job of making them more aware of those around them or teaching them the reason we even celebrate in the first place.  My kids feel entitled to things they don't even need and they expect to get what they asked for.  If I was strong enough I would cancel Christmas like another mother did when her kids were not acting up to par.  It's sad that I even feel this way.  I should be excited to see the joy on their faces, but I anticipate another "this is it?".   Don't get me wrong, I love watching the excitement on their faces, but I feel like the excitement is all about the wrong things.  I think if this world focused more on the true meaning of Christmas instead of gifts, Santa, baking, etc, we might just all be a little happier.  Isn't the gift of eternal life the best gift ever?  It's not the newest gadget or toy of the year..  If only I could make them understand how fortunate they are to have the things that they do and to think about the bigger picture.  I realize they are young, but I look around and see a lot of older kids who expect even more and think even less of those around them.  I will just continue to pray that my kids are able to see the big picture some day so we can all look at Christmas differently.

Christmas is hard for me too for other reasons.  Five years ago at this time I was pregnant and excited about what the new year was going to bring us.  A new house, a new baby, new memories.  I had no idea that in January the rug would be pulled out from underneath me.  I had no idea that the last happy thing I would remember would be that Christmas.   I have had happiness, but Christmas will never be the same for me again.  It's a tough holiday for me, but I will muddle through it like I always do.  I just wish Christmas could be different for my family.  Gratitude, celebrating the true meaning, and showing love to others would make a perfect holiday in my book.  

My goal is to get my kids to appreciate what they have, look outside of themselves, and to celebrate the gift that was sent so many years ago.  If my kids want that gift we all get the best gift of all..spending an eternity together.  That to me, is priceless.

Monday, February 24, 2014

Four Years

I still can't believe that on the 22nd it has been four years since I held my baby girl for the first and only time in this lifetime.  Four years has gone by so quickly yet it feels like I have lived a lifetime without her.  One day with her will never be enough..I miss her, and I wonder all of the time what she would be like.  My kids said that morning that they wished she wasn't dead.  I agree...but we wouldn't have Westyn.  His life brings me so much joy.  I just know that parts of her are in him.  In his smile, in that extra hug he gives me, that kiss on the cheek, his eyes..

I went to the cemetery after celebrating a much wanted baby at my girlfriend's baby shower.  I wish I could attend showers and just be happy for the mother to be instead of fearing what could really stinks to see the negative side instead of the beautiful, positive image that pregnancy should be.  I always tell myself that it is rare..but I know that isn't the case.  Every time I see a tiny pregnant person I fear the worst for them.  Reality always slaps me in the face.  I went alone this year.  No one wanted to come along this year which just shows me even more how alone I am in my grief.  I know I am the only one who truly knew her, but she is our family.  We should celebrate just gets really lonely sometimes to carry this without someone sharing my feelings.  I took her red tulips and a salted caramel cupcake that I had made.  I had packed my boots because of how muddy/snowy it might be. I am glad I did.  I walked to her grave through the snow and mud.  She was the only grave still covered by snow..go figure.  The only sign she was there was her little angel poking out through the snow.  I cleared the snow off and spent some time reflecting over the last four years and remembering that day.  Her grave is just so lonely and depressing.  I am so glad I made the drive even if it is not easy getting there.  She is worth it in my opinion.  Would I have made her a Frozen cake this year?  Is that what birthday she would have wanted?

She scarred me for life.  Her short life left a huge hole in my heart, in our family, in our lives, etc.  I am so thankful for her though.  She showed me how strong I am, she taught me that nothing is guaranteed in life, she taught me to appreciate the little things, and she taught me to love fiercely.    I will always be thankful for her and all that she gave me.  I might still be going through life taking things for granted.  I never thought in a million years that I would lose a baby.  That only happens to other people...She changed me.  I sometimes still can't believe our life took this turn, but we are still so blessed..

My new favorite song right now is "Oceans" by Hillsong United.  I need to constantly be reminded to "trust without borders."  I am one to trust that God will take care of us, but I always throw up "borders" because I let my fear get the best of me.  God brought me through the last four years, and He won't abandon me now.  She is always on my mind, but this time of year is always worse for me. All of those emotions and memories come rushing back to me.  I sometimes feel like it was only yesterday that we were picking out the coffin that was not good enough for her.  It is tough when you have one option..planning a funeral for a baby that we barely had the chance to meet.  We only had hopes and memories to share.  Each year is better, but on her day I allow myself to just grieve and miss her without caring what anyone else thinks.  I am her mother, and I will never get over it.

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