Tuesday, January 22, 2013

When Life Was Different..

Three years ago my life was much different than it is today.  I walked into the hospital for a routine ultrasound on a very cold day much like today.  I remember telling Mike how nervous I was.  He couldn't understand my fears, but I just knew that something wasn't right.  Hours later my fears were confirmed, and my life was over as I knew it.  I was that person who had something wrong with her baby, but they couldn't tell me what at that point.  It took a few weeks before I learned the extent.  Even knowing that something was wrong was completely different than finding out that your baby is going to die, but you just didn't know when.  Boy...what a fun month that was.  Three years ago seems like such a long time yet I can still remember it like it was yesterday. 

I remember not being able to talk, and I wasn't even sure I could drive home because I was crying so hard.  Mike wasn't sure if I could make it either.  I remember calling my mom, but she couldn't understand me through the tears.  I also remember sitting by the fireplace at my mom's just willing this to all be a nightmare.  I was so numb and so sad...The unknown was too much to handle.  I went from a blissful life to a life I didn't understand or want to experience.  Things weren't easy anymore.  I started to worry about everything.  I went from pretty chill as a mom to overly worried about the little things.  I am still working on that today although I am much better.  Anxiety took up residence in my life...just waiting for the day that my child would be taken from this world.  I tried to see the beauty in every minute with her, but I kept fighting the heartbreak that was always there.  How could I be carrying a child that was meant to die?  My hopes and dreams for her went down the toilet.  This little girl that I carried inside of me that was so alive was never meant to walk on this Earth.  I was so sick with her at the beginning of my pregnancy..went through horrible throbbing veins with her, had to just wait for her to stop moving...Not one minute after January 22nd was spent being happy until the next year rolled around...exactly one year later..Isobel was born, and I found out I was pregnant again..Westyn showed his presence very early on the morning on January 22nd in 2011..Was it a coincidence?  I don't think so..I truly believe that Aubree sent me a gift since that day the year before was so horrible.   I hate this day so much yet I have had so much beauty come out of it too.  Three years...I just can't believe that it was three years ago.  I still miss her every day, and I often wonder what her almost three year-old self would be like...

Today was just another day...a day of fevers with Westyn, and a bus accident for Carley.  Why did it all happen today?  I wonder if God is still testing me.  Why couldn't today just have been peaceful and full of love for all that I have instead of worrying and worrying about the things that are out of my control?  Carley is ok, and Westyn is just fine, but I still wonder...


  1. Amanda, I have been thinking about you and Aubree. On the 21st I wondered if Aubree was celebrating Payton's birthday with her. I hope so. Three years later is different but it still hurts. Every day I wonder how different my life would be if Payton was here. Funnily the times that are the hardest for me is when Brock is crying and Tatum is tantruming about something, I cannot help but think what would Payton be doing at this moment. I imagine her comforting Brock and giving into Tatum's tantrum- always the calm, peacemaker.
    I'm so sorry this day was hard for you and the past several months haven't been easy either. Sending hugs and prayers!

    1. I think about you guys so often too..I wonder if our girls are having fun, and if they are finding peace in knowing that we have found each other. I still wish she would be here, but every time I think that I am reminded that he wouldn't be..so tough. Many hugs. I miss you! Hope you are doing ok too. Much love..

  2. This is the first time I've been on blogger in months. I just read your post not realizing I had already read it. In the first paragraph you wrote about being so nervous for the ultrasound, knowing something wasn’t right. I’m always struck when I hear this from Moms. So many Moms know something isn’t right. I felt the same. I was so nervous for my 36-week apt. Earlier that day I was sitting at my desk and had this mental image of calling Dustin to tell him to meet me at the hospital because I was going give birth to Payton. All day I felt nauseous from anxiety. I knew something wasn’t right but kept telling myself I was afraid she would be born early. I guess there is some true in mother intuition, even if the outcome remains the same.