And Out of the Blue...

I just read a post a few days ago by a friend who talked about triggers. I was thinking about how I haven't had any lately, and I was feeling pretty good that I was doing so well!  I was baking a cake this morning in the kitchen for a friend who just had a baby, and I was dancing around my kitchen to my iTunes.  It was on shuffle on the iPad so I wasn't really paying any attention to what music was coming up.  All of a sudden "Visitor From Heaven" by Twila Paris came on.  I stopped dead in my tracks as tears began to roll down my face.  I completely forgot about that song, and it brought me back to the day of Aubree's funeral.  It also made me think of my friend's daughter.  I cried for both of our girls this morning.  I haven't cried in so long, but this song triggered the memory of her funeral.  It just makes me so sad to think that we never had the chance to be their mothers here on Earth.  I am so thankful for my other children, but I still wanted to be her mother here too..  Sometimes I think I can imagine her playing with my other kids in her whole form..not sick, not in any pain, and just beautiful.  I like to think about matching her in outfits with Carley like I do with the boys.   It really hurts to grow a child that you can't keep and to hold a child in your arms that you have to hand over to a nurse to give to a funeral director.  It changes you, and the only way you are going to be able to see a future for yourself without your child is to have faith that you will see that child again.  Darn trigger...

"Good to Be Alive"

Has anyone else heard this song by Jason Gray?  I can't get the lyrics out of my head because it is a constant reminder that we are on borrowed time.  We need to live our lives like there is no tomorrow.  I know how quickly life can get taken away, and you have to make sure you are living each day to the fullest.  I am so thankful for so many things right now, but I wish that I could take the pain out of this world.  Life just seems so unfair sometimes.  It is hard to live your life thanking God for all that you have when you have already lost so much.  I realize that in the grand scheme of things we are just in our temporary homes and that we have so much to look forward to, but it still makes it difficult to be thankful in the here when you are in pain. 

I am truly thankful for a wonderful therapist who brought me to the other side though.  She was able to help me (by using a therapy for PTSD) that allowed me to set apart my emotions from actual events.  I am now able to talk about what happened with Aubree, and it doesn't feel like the emotions are still there in the same capacity.  I still miss her, and I wish she was here, but I don't feel guilty anymore..That is huge for me.  I have carried so much guilt for so long because I felt like I wasn't caring about her as much because I had Westyn.  I have finally realized that he hasn't replaced her at all.  He is just in addition to her.  That sounds stupid because that is how it has always been, but to actually get it is a completely different thing.  I am 100% ok with moving on now.  I will never forget her or never stop thinking about her, but she is not holding me back anymore.  I am allowing myself to just love without any guilt at all.  I feel empowered with this new knowledge because my mind is so much clearer.  I am able to just function without worrying about how it will look to her if I just love Westyn unconditionally.  He slid into the empty place in our family and it felt so good to have him here, but emotionally it made me feel horrible for feeling content.  Does that make sense?  I felt like I shouldn't be content because she wasn't here too.  Now I realize she is here..just not in the same way that Westyn is, and that is how it was always meant to be.  Acceptance is a freeing feeling.  I have finally accepted her death, and that allowed me to "finish" the grieving process.  I will still have my moments, I'm sure, but her death isn't haunting me emotionally anymore.   Aubree will always have a very special place in our family no matter what happens in our future.  Guilt can really wreak havoc in your life! 

On another note..thanks for all of your prayers and support for my wonderful friend.  She is being so strong (even though she doesn't realize it).  I hate that she has to go through this, and I hope that I can provide some insight into getting through it.  It is such an awful experience, and it takes a while to get through it until you can feel "normal" again.  I remember wondering if I would ever feel like me again.  I am starting to find myself again which is so refreshing.  I will never be the same person, but I am closer now than I was a year ago..

As most of you know I sell Thirty-One so I have decided to have a party for her.  She is the hostess (even though I am doing all of the work) and all of the money that I get from commission off of the party will go to a charity that she chooses in memory of her beautiful daughter, Kara.  If you are interested in shopping you can go to my website at www.mythirtyone.com/amandahb and shop under Stephanie's party.  I am keeping the party open until the 14th.  I just want to try to do something to show her how much we all love her and care!  It isn't much, but it is hopefully meaningful to her.  I have so many ideas, but I don't want to overwhelm her right now.  I am slowly sending her things one at a time to try to "help."  There isn't anything that will make it better, but there are a few things that definitely made me smile when people sent them.  She is really going to need prayers this week once her family goes home.  Reality of life without the child you were anticipating sets in, and it is not a pleasant place to be in...