Imperfection..

Life around here has been swell...I mean really great...Can you read the sarcasm there?  No..it hasn't been all bad.  Just a little rough.  I am so full of emotion right now, and I can't even write what I want to in fear of making people mad.  That is irritating in itself!  Anyways..I am not perfect, nor have I ever been perfect, and I will never be perfect.  I hate admitting that I try to be "perfect" for myself, but I am always let down because I can never be what I think "perfect" is.  I have always had to look a certain way before I leave the house, but now I wouldn't be surprised if  "What Not To Wear" showed up at my house.  I don't think they would think that a wet ponytail is an appropriate hairstyle for church...I learned that none of that matters after Aubree died.  It is just the people in your life that matter..not how you look, etc.  It put a lot of things in perspective for me.  I still struggle with feeling inadequate in most ways.  It doesn't help when people make comments about you either to make you feel even more inadequate.  I really try hard to be that person who doesn't judge anyone because I have no right to judge anyone...that is God's job.  It really upsets me when other people feel they have a right to judge me though...Christian people.  That does not make sense to me.  I am pretty sure that God wants us to love everyone regardless of their political views (which I am so tired of), their sexual preference, etc.  I have my own beliefs about things, but I have no right to judge anyone or criticize anyone for choosing something different! 

Sometimes I just want to scream because I feel like a walking target.  We were robbed while we were out of town a few weeks ago.  Fun mess to come home to.   Now I feel insecure in my own home during the day since it happened around 2:30 in the afternoon.  They stole my jewelry.  Luckily I had most of the important stuff with me.  I did lose a few sentimental pieces that can never be replaced of course.  We just felt so violated.  Did I mention we have a security system too?  They still took my things even with it going off...Needless to say we are adding more security features.  Apparently it is happening a lot in my area right now.  The police have said that it is mostly drug related.  The lovely people who robbed us had enough nerve to park in my driveway.  There were two cars, and luckily my neighbor drove by and made a mental note of the cars because he had never seen them before.  They are still out there robbing other people so pray that they get caught soon so they don't take other people's feelings of security away too! 

To add to that list I found a lump in my breast this week too!  Fun times around here!  I was able to get in today for an ultrasound, and they think that it is a lymph node.  I will need to go back in about four months to have a follow up appointment, but geez!!  It has been one heck of an emotional roller coaster around here!   Please just pray for my sanity!!  I feel like I can breathe a little bit again, but it still just scares the daylights out of me.  I hate to allow myself to go there, but bad things have happened to me already and it is hard not to let my mind go to the worst case scenario right away.  I have already had a worst case scenario.  It didn't help this morning either that the lady who did my ultrasound was the same woman who did the ultrasound when we found out about her issues.  When she came to get me a red flag just went up warning me that she brings me bad news...It brought it all back.  I was relieved that my news was not bad though...Maybe God is still trying to teach me something...