Four Years

I still can't believe that on the 22nd it has been four years since I held my baby girl for the first and only time in this lifetime.  Four years has gone by so quickly yet it feels like I have lived a lifetime without her.  One day with her will never be enough..I miss her, and I wonder all of the time what she would be like.  My kids said that morning that they wished she wasn't dead.  I agree...but we wouldn't have Westyn.  His life brings me so much joy.  I just know that parts of her are in him.  In his smile, in that extra hug he gives me, that kiss on the cheek, his eyes..

I went to the cemetery after celebrating a much wanted baby at my girlfriend's baby shower.  I wish I could attend showers and just be happy for the mother to be instead of fearing what could happen..it really stinks to see the negative side instead of the beautiful, positive image that pregnancy should be.  I always tell myself that it is rare..but I know that isn't the case.  Every time I see a tiny pregnant person I fear the worst for them.  Reality always slaps me in the face.  I went alone this year.  No one wanted to come along this year which just shows me even more how alone I am in my grief.  I know I am the only one who truly knew her, but she is our family.  We should celebrate together..it just gets really lonely sometimes to carry this without someone sharing my feelings.  I took her red tulips and a salted caramel cupcake that I had made.  I had packed my boots because of how muddy/snowy it might be. I am glad I did.  I walked to her grave through the snow and mud.  She was the only grave still covered by snow..go figure.  The only sign she was there was her little angel poking out through the snow.  I cleared the snow off and spent some time reflecting over the last four years and remembering that day.  Her grave is just so lonely and depressing.  I am so glad I made the drive even if it is not easy getting there.  She is worth it in my opinion.  Would I have made her a Frozen cake this year?  Is that what birthday she would have wanted?

She scarred me for life.  Her short life left a huge hole in my heart, in our family, in our lives, etc.  I am so thankful for her though.  She showed me how strong I am, she taught me that nothing is guaranteed in life, she taught me to appreciate the little things, and she taught me to love fiercely.    I will always be thankful for her and all that she gave me.  I might still be going through life taking things for granted.  I never thought in a million years that I would lose a baby.  That only happens to other people...She changed me.  I sometimes still can't believe our life took this turn, but we are still so blessed..

My new favorite song right now is "Oceans" by Hillsong United.  I need to constantly be reminded to "trust without borders."  I am one to trust that God will take care of us, but I always throw up "borders" because I let my fear get the best of me.  God brought me through the last four years, and He won't abandon me now.  She is always on my mind, but this time of year is always worse for me. All of those emotions and memories come rushing back to me.  I sometimes feel like it was only yesterday that we were picking out the coffin that was not good enough for her.  It is tough when you have one option..planning a funeral for a baby that we barely had the chance to meet.  We only had hopes and dreams..no memories to share.  Each year is better, but on her day I allow myself to just grieve and miss her without caring what anyone else thinks.  I am her mother, and I will never get over it.