Eight Years

Today I have been reflecting on how eight years have come and gone since Aubree died.  I still can't believe it has been eight years already.  I think about the little girl should might have been.  Would she have been as into sports as her sister or would she have been more girly?  Would she have worn a dress without complaining? ;)  My life certainly didn't turn out the way I would have imagined.  I never in a million years thought I would be working for a nonprofit that helps families through infant and pregnancy loss or taking classes on death so I can become certified in grief counseling.  I can tell you that it feels like a pretty full life though even in her absence.

We went to the cemetery today to take her a cupcake and some really pretty purple tulips that Mike bought.  I have a love/hate relationship with the cemetery.  I love going to be in that space with her, but it is still so depressing walking out to that plot where she lays alone.  I don't want others to join her, but it's hard not see the loneliness of her plot.  We took Dozer this year with us.  He seemed to like the vast open space so I tried to look at it a bit differently.  She isn't lonely.  She gets to be with all of those other babies and family members that have gone before us.

I have also been reflecting on the day she died specifically because we were so incredibly lucky to have a wonderful nurse supporting us.  Charlotte felt like an angel to us in our time of grief.  The way she talked to Aubree, held her, bathed her, talked about her features just made such an impression on me.  It was because of her that I have felt so strongly about making sure every family has a  Charlotte in their room.  It is so important in the healing process to feel heard, loved, and supported. I know it's not an easy job, but it can be a beautiful thing.  I have had the honor of being in that sacred space with a few families, and I truly can't put into words how amazing it is.  It is so tragic, but it's so beautiful at the same time.  It's an honor to be a part of their story and to know their babies.  The strength that God has given me to walk into those rooms without fear is amazing....and to talk to rooms full of nurses on how to help families through their losses is so surreal.  How can I have the strength to do this?  It's so easy to me these days.  God has truly equipped me for this journey He has me on.  I want every family we meet to know they are not alone in this, and we will be there for them through the healing process.  It's a long and messy process, but we are always going to be there if they want us to be.  :)

I have the song "Beautiful Things" by Gungor stuck in my head today.  It has been popping up on my running playlist a lot lately, and I think it's a great reminder to me that He really has made beautiful things in my life.  I have met some really beautiful people along this grief journey, and I am able to walk this road with many families.  I am so very grateful for all of the beautiful blessings in my life.  I miss her like crazy as I always do, but I feel so honored that God chose me to be her mother.  She might be one of my biggest blessings in this lifetime even though she isn't physically here.  That girl is here..trust me, she's here.  :)

Happy 8th Birthday to my sweet, spunky, and beautiful baby girl.  I love you Aubree Hope, and I can't wait to see what else you have in store for me.