10 Months

It has been 10 months of thinking about Aubree every single minute of every single day..wondering what life would have been like with her in it..looking at the outfits for other babies that would have looked so cute on her with her dark hair..It has been a day of tears for me for so many reasons..I look back to where I was a year ago, and I shake my head because I had no clue! I had no idea that my life would be like this a year from now. I had no idea that Aubree was sick..that she would die..that a part of me would die with her...I am just so tired of talking about the kind of car you are going to get when your third child comes..how would I know? I am tired of hearing about unplanned pregnancies..I am just tired of everything working out for others when I know so many people that never get the chance to be a mother at all...Life just seems so unfair sometimes..I have just read too many heartbreaking stories lately during this Christmas season, and my heart is just full of sadness for them..I am just sad..sad for myself, sad for the others who feel the same way as I do, and sad for the people who have to get through it without knowing Jesus..How they make it through it is unknown to me. My faith is the only thing that carries me through...just knowing that Aubree will be celebrating the real deal this year is wonderful to think about, but it also makes it hard for me because that means that she doesn't get to celebrate with us..We don't get to buy her gifts this year..I just get to buy her some flowers to put on her grave..that is the only gift I can get for her this year. It almost seems ridiculous because she doesn't care, but I need to do it for her...it is the only thing I can do right now..I just can't believe it has been 10 months already. I feel like it was only yesterday that it was 2009...the year before I had a clue..

Christmas Cards

I have been receiving several beautiful Christmas cards in the mail from our family in friends these days. Some of those cards contain beautiful pictures of either the entire family or their children. I love to see these pictures because I get to see some pictures of the kids that do not live around me or that I don't get to see very often. This year has been a little bit sad in that respect..every picture I see of a happy family just reminds me of what is missing from our Christmas this year. I bought labels last year that had three kids on them thinking that we were going to have three living children this Christmas, and we would finally be a family of five instead of four. I sent out my Christmas cards and so far the response has been positive. I wasn't sure how people would take to seeing Aubree on our card because some people we know have never seen her pictures. I just felt like I needed to include her since she was a big part of 2010 even though she didn't get to experience much of it here. She defined this year for us in many ways. The only Christmas card I received yesterday was from the funeral home that we used for Aubree's service. Sad..This funeral home sent out some good reading materials on how to get through the holidays, and they sent out the Merry Christmas from Heaven poem. The most touching part of it all is that this funeral home puts up a memorial tree in their lobby to put glass ornaments with all of the names of the people that have passed on this past year. Each glass ornament contains the name and date of the person's death. They encourage the families to come and see the tree if they want to, and they told us in the letter that we can either pick up our ornament after the holidays or they will send it to us so we can put it on our trees every year or we can put it somewhere else if we want to. What a beautiful idea..I just wish that we didn't have to have a glass ornament at all though..I would much rather have Aubree instead. I would love to see her taking ornaments off of our tree, digging the presents, rolling around in the dog beds with the dogs, trying her first foods, smiling at me, maybe crawling, getting into things..Sigh..

A Birthday Filled With Hope..

Today is my 31st birthday, and for some reason 31 seems so much older than 30..maybe I just feel really old after the year I just had..I don't know. I have been having a really hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year due to the fact that I thought Christmas was going to be so much different this year with three kids instead of just the two that are living with us. As I see the excitement building on my their faces I can't help but feel the excitement of Christmas..Sure, it isn't the same, but I feel like I am starting to get more into the spirit of things. I have found joy again in the Mercyme Christmas cd that I love so much..so much so that I had to get a new one last year because I listened to the first one way too much that it quit playing all of the songs..

We decorated our Christmas tree last night, and I was able to hang two of the ornaments that we either got for her or received as a gift in honor of her. Putting those ornaments on the tree reminded me that she is still very much alive here..She is all around me every single day..I received the most beautiful gift the other night from my mom. She had these beautiful red dragonfly ornaments made for us. I didn't hang mine on my tree because I wanted to see it year round..it is hanging in my kitchen window, and it makes me smile every time I see it..She is there! I was also given this beautiful etched glass recycled wine bottle bottom that has a dragonfly with some grass etched into it..it looks like she is flying home..It is so beautiful...All within the same weekend I learned that my grandparents want to start a fund at a Christian school for children who want to go there but can't afford to called "Aubree's Hope." She is SO alive! My beautiful little girl is everywhere, and I haven't really seen it that much until now..She is still so loved and she has certainly not been forgotten.

My 30th year was certainly the worst year of my life in many ways, but it has also been a year full of personal growth..I have changed, grown-up, and my eyes have been opened to all of the pain around me so much more clearly. I wish that 2010 could have been different but that was not meant to be. It was not all terrible though..I have learned so much in this past year about life, love, family, etc..

This morning I found out that the Women of Faith tour will be coming to Pittsburgh in October, and I have realized that I will be attending no matter what because Angie Smith will be a keynote speaker at the Pittsburgh event..She is one of the people who changed my life with her words, and she wrote that beautiful song that reminds me of my thoughts about Aubree..I need to go see her speak...What a wonderful birthday surprise to find out about this event!!

31 is going to be a better year for me..it already is since it started out with snow!!!