10 Months

It has been 10 months of thinking about Aubree every single minute of every single day..wondering what life would have been like with her in it..looking at the outfits for other babies that would have looked so cute on her with her dark hair..It has been a day of tears for me for so many reasons..I look back to where I was a year ago, and I shake my head because I had no clue! I had no idea that my life would be like this a year from now. I had no idea that Aubree was sick..that she would die..that a part of me would die with her...I am just so tired of talking about the kind of car you are going to get when your third child comes..how would I know? I am tired of hearing about unplanned pregnancies..I am just tired of everything working out for others when I know so many people that never get the chance to be a mother at all...Life just seems so unfair sometimes..I have just read too many heartbreaking stories lately during this Christmas season, and my heart is just full of sadness for them..I am just sad..sad for myself, sad for the others who feel the same way as I do, and sad for the people who have to get through it without knowing Jesus..How they make it through it is unknown to me. My faith is the only thing that carries me through...just knowing that Aubree will be celebrating the real deal this year is wonderful to think about, but it also makes it hard for me because that means that she doesn't get to celebrate with us..We don't get to buy her gifts this year..I just get to buy her some flowers to put on her grave..that is the only gift I can get for her this year. It almost seems ridiculous because she doesn't care, but I need to do it for her...it is the only thing I can do right now..I just can't believe it has been 10 months already. I feel like it was only yesterday that it was 2009...the year before I had a clue..