Bring on 2011..

I know it has been a while, but life has been very busy for us lately. Christmas was filled with both tears and with joy. We were all missing Aubree, but it was so nice to see the joy on the faces of Carley and Parker. I did feel like Aubree was with us that morning..we had so many wonderful reminders of her surrounding us..the beautiful angel that my brother-in-law made for us, the red dragonfly that Mike found for my window, etc. The meaning of a red dragonfly blew me away though..it was so incredibly fitting to her...

*It is considered a good omen by some, for it represents eternal love. Others consider it to be an evil omen, for it also represents a violent death..hmm..

*To some Native Americans (and I am part Native American) they are the souls of the dead..enough said about that one..

*Perhaps the most popular symbolic Native American meaning behind the red dragonfly is that they symbolize renewal after facing a time of great hardship.

*In Japan, the dragonfly represents strength, courage, and happiness. This symbolic meaning falls nicely with the Native American meaning of renewal, as moving forward after enduring hardship demonstrates that you are strong and courageous and ready to embrace happiness once more.

I was truly blown away when I read these meanings because of how many times I saw the dragonfly. I haven't said this before I don't think, but I saw two one time. It sort of freaked me out thinking about what that meant, but then I realized just the other day that it was a good thing..Aubree had found our first child and they were telling me they were together..It was actually reassuring to me. I don't know why it hit me like that just the other day months after I saw them. Just amazing..

I do have to say that I have spent a week a mess..I tried acupuncture and actually ended up having a panic attack. I was trying to relieve some of my anxiety, and it just made it worse. Mike seems to think that he hit some points on me that might have actually been good for me..I'm just not sure. I am afraid to go back again because I didn't like the way it made me feel. I have been thinking so hard about 2011 coming, and I couldn't wait because that meant I could put this horrible year behind me and look forward to bigger and better things..Unfortunately I think that January and February are going to be some of my toughest months. January is when my life fell apart because we found out she was going to die, and February because that is when we had to bury her. When I reflect on what I thought this year was supposed to hold for our family it didn't include a grave stone, only two children, and a year full of sadness. I thought it was supposed to be full of laughter, craziness, and firsts. It has not been a happy year by any means, but I am still thankful for the joy that the rest of my family brings to me. We have been blessed this year in many ways..new home, new dog, new friends, and most importantly a renewed relationship with our creator. We have changed as a family, we are growing as a family even if it isn't in the traditional sense of the word, and we are going to continue trusting that God will provide for our needs.

My New Year's Resolutions include reading my Bible even more, getting a handle on my anxiety, spending more time enjoying the life that I have been blessed with, etc. We also hope to add to our family this year if that is in God's plans for us. I feel like 2010 went by in a sad blur, and I don't want to let another year go by like that because I feel like I missed out on so much with Carley and Parker. They are only going to be young like this once, and I don't want to miss another minute..I think it is time for me to really wake up and accept what happened in 2010. I still have moments when I think it was all a bad dream..I need to realize that it wasn't..it happened, and I have to deal with it. I'm not sure how I am going to handle my feelings at this point, but I am really going to try this year..