Saturday, January 22, 2011

One Year Ago Today..11 months ago.

I can remember walking into the hospital with Mike for our routine ultrasound, and I told him how scared I was. He didn't understand why, but I said, "What if something is wrong?" I knew even then that something just didn't feel right for some reason. We met some friends inside who were having their ultrasound before us, and they told us it took a really long time because they were training someone. When they called me back I was so excited and nervous at the same time to see my baby again. The ultrasound tech took the measurements and did everything that they were supposed to do in an ultrasound..she was taking a while, but I didn't think anything of it. After about 45 minutes she told me she was going to go get my husband since we can't bring them back with us..it is the dumbest rule!! The waiting room is right around the corner so I was anxiously awaiting Mike's arrival at any moment. About half an hour later she walks in with the Radiologist. I was already starting to panic by this point because it shouldn't have taken that long to get Mike. As soon as they walked in I asked what was wrong with my baby..He said he just needed to take a look at the baby's heart. My heart sunk..the heart? In the meantime they start rattling off that I have too much fluid, there is a single artery umbilical cord, and they can't see a part of the baby's heart that needs to be there. I am completely freaked out, hormonal, irrational, etc..and I have to hear all of this alone! They finally went and got my husband..by then I was a mess. He came into a room of chaos so he knew right away something wasn't right. We were referred on to a specialist as a result of that ultrasound. I had hope that all would be ok, and that they just didn't see things right on the ultrasound. I spent the entire day in tears...I couldn't imagine anything being wrong with my baby. A year ago today my journey began because it was when we realized something was wrong..it wasn't until days later that my world fell out from underneath me when they said it was Trisomy 18, and that my baby was incompatible with life. It was exactly one month from today that Aubree was born too..the number 22 has always been a good number for me because our anniversary is the 22nd. Last January changed that..

Today is a tough day because it was when my life changed..I was no longer naive to all of the terrible things that can happen during pregnancy and beyond. I have been looking at this day so negatively, and I am trying so hard to turn it around. One big thing that might turn it around is that my little sister is in labor today..she might turn my terrible day into something beautiful for our family. I think there are other good things on our horizon too..I just can't wait to hold my new niece on this sad, sad, day..I hope she does come today after all..Again..new year=new me..I am trying to be more positive this year!!

To my beautiful little girl..I miss you and love you more then I can even express..I think you already know that though! Hugs and kisses to you!!!

1 comment:

  1. I am so sorry Saturday was a hard day. I’m sorry you are hurting. I cannot believe you had to hear the news by yourself, the dumbest rule ever! I'm certain Aubree knows how much she is loved! Spending you love and hugs.

    ReplyDelete