17 months...

Today marks 17 months since I held Aubree and since I had to watch her being wheeled away forever.. I have been having these horrible flashbacks of that day out of nowhere, and they are bringing me to tears. My anxiety has been high lately due to the fact that I am approaching the 31 week mark which is the time that I lost her. I am trying so hard to remain calm, but I find that my body is betraying me. I know this baby is different, but it is bringing back all of those horrible memories of that day. I find that I think about her even more these days, and I can't seem to snap out of it. I just want her back, and I want to be chasing after her..I read about so many people's stories, and my heart just breaks for them..why? Why do such young children have to suffer? I know that there is a reason behind all of this, but it is so hard to see when you are the midst of it all. I feel like everyone feels like I should just be fine by now especially since I have another one on the way..This baby actually makes me think of her even more...I will never be "fine." I am healing, but I will never be the same person that I was before. Unless you have been there you can't possibly understand what it feels like to deliver a child you will never get to keep in your arms. I am so grateful for the people who don't try to understand and for the people who keep asking how I am doing. I have heard from so many people that once this baby is born it is healing in some ways, but it brings back your loss even more to the front of your mind. I am scared of all of those thoughts returning back full force. Hormonally you are a mess, and then to put that on top of it just scares me. I am mostly worried about trying to keep myself under control for Carley's sake.. Many hugs and much love to you my sweet girl..you are always missed..

Another Prayer Request..

I have a prayer request for a little girl named Lily who just turned 18 months, and is currently battling cancer. She is not doing well, and the doctors have told her dad that they aren't sure they can cure her, and they aren't sure she is going to make it. I have told him repeatedly that the doctors don't technically cure her..it is God that has that capacity, but I fear that he is losing faith. I have known Lily's father since elementary school, and he used to go to my church with his mother as he was growing up. I have lost touch with him, and I do not know where he stands in his faith, but I know life hasn't been easy on him. He has two children with his girlfriend who just left him. He is with his daughter at the hospital at all times of the day unless his mom relieves him so he could use all the prayers he can get. Lily is a beautiful little girl who is suffering, but I continue to pray that she is healed. Please pray for this family because they are falling apart and crying out for help. May God heal this little girl..

A Wonderful Vacation

We just got back from a truly wonderful vacation last week. We took the kids to Disney for a few days and then we headed to Cocoa Beach while the rest of my extended family went on the Disney Cruise. The kids had a blast, and I think it was the first vacation that we didn't just take our routine to another location! They were both really well-behaved, and we really have no complaints! We really loved seeing their faces when they got to see all of their favorite Disney characters in the parades or just on the rides that we went on with them. We really lucked out too because we were there right before the 4th of July, and we didn't have to use a single fast pass to ride any of the rides! It was overcast so the heat wasn't unbearable which was fantastic! That was my biggest worry about going when we did because I didn't want them to be miserable just from the heat. In Carley's words, "It was magical."

After spending about three days in Disney we took the kids to Cocoa beach for the duration of our vacation. The place we stayed was very family-friendly so the kids had fun with all of the live music and other children they could watch. Carley even made a little friend named "Carly." She was very excited about that, and it was exciting for us to watch her interact with this little girl since she doesn't typically do that due to her backwards nature. The kids absolutely loved the beach which was a surprise to me because I thought the sand might bother them with it sticking to them and with how hot it was on their feet. They were a little intimidated by the ocean at first, but after a few minutes they were jumping waves and having a ball. Parker loved it the most I think, and he would thrown himself down and put his face in the water and splash all around. This is the kid who won't even go off the second step in the pool! I have to admit that I am not a huge fan of the beach..I love to listen to it, the feeling of being at the beach, and the food that goes along with the beach though. I am not a fan of sand or the ocean (due to my fear of sharks). I spent most of our vacation there with the kids in the ocean and digging in the sand with them..Mike thinks his wife was kidnapped! I actually really enjoyed myself at the beach, and I think it was due to their excitement! I just wanted to be where they were..All in all we had a great trip, and I feel so blessed to have been given the opportunity to take them!

I did find myself really missing Aubree on our trip though, and it drives me crazy that she wasn't able to enjoy Disney with us or the beach. Every vacation we go on I feel like she is missing out. I know she is with us in many ways, but it just isn't the same. It didn't help that on our first day on the beach we sat next to this young couple who had this beautiful little girl named "Aubree." Every single time one of their extended family would come down to the beach they would say her name over and over again..I couldn't get away from it. I couldn't even move because we had paid for our chairs and umbrella for the day in that spot..I thought I might go crazy! Aubree isn't really a name I hear very frequently so to hear it over and over again made me crazy, and it just reminded me that she was not here with us. I just wish that she had been able to come with us, and that she could have met another "Aubree." That is not how it was meant to be though..