17 months...

Today marks 17 months since I held Aubree and since I had to watch her being wheeled away forever.. I have been having these horrible flashbacks of that day out of nowhere, and they are bringing me to tears. My anxiety has been high lately due to the fact that I am approaching the 31 week mark which is the time that I lost her. I am trying so hard to remain calm, but I find that my body is betraying me. I know this baby is different, but it is bringing back all of those horrible memories of that day. I find that I think about her even more these days, and I can't seem to snap out of it. I just want her back, and I want to be chasing after her..I read about so many people's stories, and my heart just breaks for them..why? Why do such young children have to suffer? I know that there is a reason behind all of this, but it is so hard to see when you are the midst of it all. I feel like everyone feels like I should just be fine by now especially since I have another one on the way..This baby actually makes me think of her even more...I will never be "fine." I am healing, but I will never be the same person that I was before. Unless you have been there you can't possibly understand what it feels like to deliver a child you will never get to keep in your arms. I am so grateful for the people who don't try to understand and for the people who keep asking how I am doing. I have heard from so many people that once this baby is born it is healing in some ways, but it brings back your loss even more to the front of your mind. I am scared of all of those thoughts returning back full force. Hormonally you are a mess, and then to put that on top of it just scares me. I am mostly worried about trying to keep myself under control for Carley's sake.. Many hugs and much love to you my sweet girl..you are always missed..