Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Today marks 32 weeks for me which is very bittersweet..I never made it this far with Aubree, but it also marks the day we buried her..when I would have been 32 weeks pregnant with her. I have been feeling down today, and it doesn't help that I found out a few weeks ago that my doctor (that I love so much) will be on vacation the week of my due date. I am freaking out about the possibility of him not being there to deliver this baby when I need him to be there emotionally. He was on vacation the week of my due date with Carley, but I was able to hold off and get him the day he came back on call because I was a week overdue. The chances of me going that long again are not that high considering I was just two days overdue with Parker. You never know though...I know that I could be induced early, but that terrifies me because you have a higher risk of having a c-section due to stress on the baby. I feel like I am terrified either way..I am scared of letting the baby in there too long because I know so many people who have delivered overdue stillborns, but I am also terrified of putting the baby at risk in any way. A c-section is just not ideal for me. I really need my last birthing experience to be a positive vaginal one since my last vaginal birth was traumatic. I need to remember birth as something wonderful instead of something tragic. I do realize that that health of the baby is #1, but the idea of having a c-section is scary to me. I just need him to be there emotionally for me because he has been through it with us. None of the other doctors in this area care about me or what I have been through...they don't even know in fact. They will once they read my charts, but I still don't have any sort of relationship with them at all. I just don't know what to do..I am going to talk to him at my appointment this week and see what he says. I am already freaked out about delivery day, and to not have him there is just too much to even think about...I am someone who just likes baby to come when baby is ready so I feel like I would be breaking all of my rules just for my emotional health..