18 Months

Today marks 18 months since Aubree gained her wings, and I can't believe it has been that long already..I mentioned it to Mike the other day as we were driving into church, and he couldn't believe it had been that long either. It sometimes feels like it was only yesterday that I was pregnant with her, but I'm sure that being pregnant doesn't help with that at all. I miss her, and I can't help but wonder what she would look like right now. I can picture Carley at 18 months so clearly, and I wonder if she would have looked just like her or if she would have had her own distinct characteristics even though she looked just like her at birth. That part terrifies me about giving birth if this baby would be a girl..will this baby look just like her too? How will I react to that? I am trying to prepare myself that this baby could in fact look like Aubree (with some obvious differences of course), but that is easier said then done. I find myself missing her now more then ever because I never got to reach this point with her. I am also thinking about her more frequently because I have to go in for NST testing every week because of my history with her. I have to keep relaying the story of what happened over and over to everyone as my explanation of why I am having them done already..Being on that floor freaks me out, but I am hoping that every time I push the number 5 on the elevator it is going to get easier. They asked me who my nurses were when I delivered her, and I can't tell them because I have no idea. I can tell you who they were with both of my other kids though..That day was such a blur, and I can really only remember bits and pieces of it. Seeing other newborns on the floor makes me crazy..I want to run up to the moms and ask them if they even know how lucky they are to have a living, breathing child in their arms. I of course just keep these crazy actions to myself, but I would love to remind them to be extra thankful for their blessings..

Mike and I have decided that we are going to be alone on the day of delivery because we have no idea how we will respond to that day or to when baby actually comes out. We might be perfectly fine, or we might be a mess..We just want to be given the freedom to be however we are without anyone pressuring us to see the baby right away. We have also decided that if the timing is right we want our kids to meet the baby first. They are nervous in their own ways, and we want to reassure them as soon as we can that we are ok and that the baby is ok. Parker is starting to act strangely, and I am wondering if he is internalizing all of this in some ways. He hasn't been sleeping well, wants to be held a lot, is telling me he is my baby (which he hates being called a baby), and he even told me last night, "No more babies in your belly." I realize he has school starting in the fall as well as the baby coming so I think all of it together is causing him some stress. He has been complaining of stomach pains which could be a combination of stress and some acid build-up from his Flovent inhaler. I have no idea. All I know is that he is not acting like himself. I have been going to more appointments for the baby recently, and we have been talking more about the baby. He is only three, but he remembers what happened to his mommy the last time she had a baby..

I wish more then anything that we could all just be happy all of the time without any stress with this pregnancy, but the blissfulness of pregnancy was taken away from us the day we found out Aubree was not going to live. I still can't believe it has been 18 months since she went to Heaven, but I know that her life is so much better now so that makes it more bearable for me. Her life here would not have been free of pain, but she gets to live pain free forever now..Isn't that something we all can't wait for? Sending all of my love upwards today, and I hope she knows just how much I miss her..