Monday, October 17, 2011


There are just so many different emotions that I feel these days, and I know that part of it is hormones, but it is so hard to wrap my head around all of them sometimes. I am so in love with my new little guy, and I honestly can say that I feel really happy for the first time in a long time. That of course makes me feel terribly because I don't feel like I should be this happy since Aubree isn't here with us. I should still be missing her like crazy all of the time and wishing she was here with us. I do miss her, and I do wish she as here, but it doesn't consume my every thought anymore. I realize that Westyn was meant to be here with us and she wasn't, but it is still difficult to not want them both here. I can't imagine life with four five and under! :) I would have loved to have had the chance to experience it though. In reality though..if Aubree was here with us Westyn wouldn't be..I am just accepting that this is how it was meant to be because I would never in a million years ever choose who I would want because I want both..

I have been feeling terribly because I haven't been to her grave in a really long time. I was driving home from taking Carley to school the other day and a song came on the radio that really made me miss her. I was thankful that I just had the boys with me because they are both oblivious when I cry. Carley gets really anxious and upset when I cry so I was so thankful she wasn't with me to see that. Just thinking about Westyn and thinking about how Aubree (my baby) was in the ground just got to be too much for me. My poor baby is in the ground. I realize that she has no clue, but the thought of her being there just really got to me for some reason. I just miss her so much some days, and I can see so many of her features in Westyn's face. When he has his mouth hanging open he looks just like her..Mike and I have both admitted to closing his mouth because we can't look at him without tearing up a little..We did release balloons for her on Saturday, and I think that maybe just thinking about how that is all I can really do for her just pushed my buttons this weekend. We released red balloons because Parker thinks that is her favorite color. I have to agree..I am so glad that my kids haven't forgotten her, but I am also really glad that Westyn has brought emotional healing for us in so many ways. Carley is in love with him, and she is really starting to relax about things which is great! I feel like I am becoming more relaxed as well which is good for all of us. I just wish I didn't have to feel guilty for being so happy. I know that Aubree doesn't want me to be sad, but I can't help the way I feel. I feel like I will always have these conflicting emotions at times, but I know that this was the plan for my life. I need to just be 100% accepting of how our lives are working out. I just feel so very blessed to be the mom of four beautiful children...


  1. I totally understand where you are coming from. If you need to talk give me a call. Many prayers and much love to you

  2. Thinking of you...this is tough stuff. Tough stuff!