So Very Blessed...

Yesterday was Westyn's Baptism, and it was beautiful in every way. It was a little emotional at times, but it was truly perfect. It started out by snowing on our way to church, and it made me think of Aubree of course. I almost felt like the snow was her way of saying that we had her blessing and that she was there with us. Our church started something new for baptisms so we had to write a letter to Westyn that we read in front of the church. Our letter was hard to write, but I feel like we said everything we needed to say to him in the one minute time frame that we had. We had so many family and friends there with us to celebrate his beautiful life. This is the letter we wrote to him:

"Rainbow Baby" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

Westyn, you are truly a rainbow in every sense, and we are very thankful that you are a part of our family. You have provided us with so much joy and emotional healing, and we look forward to watching you grow up into a man. You were an answer to so many prayers, and our lives feel very full now that you are here. We have so many hopes and dreams for you, but our biggest hope is that with God’s help we are able to nurture you and teach you in a loving environment so that you may make the decision to ask Jesus to come into your life some day. We commit to raising you in the church and to leading you by example so that you may know the peace, love, and joy that God will provide for you. God has been such an important part of our lives, and we hope that you will make Him an important part of yours as well so that all six of us may spend an eternity together in Heaven. We love you more then you will ever know, and we truly feel that God has blessed us with your presence in our family.

I would have loved to say more, but there is only so much time to express how I feel about him being in our family. The best part of yesterday was that our Pastor had asked us once we got to church if he could talk about Aubree. We were not prepared for that, but I was very honored that he wanted to talk about her since he is one of the few who held her. She changed him in many ways because she showed him that even in death (never having lived at all except in utero) she was still a child that needed to be remembered and honored. It was because of her that he honored another woman's twins who died at birth in her obituary. We spoke about being a family of six, and he commented about how standing in front of the congregation was only a family of five..he went on to tell a little bit of our story and about how we are examples of how you can find hope in all of life's situations. She was honored yesterday, and I felt so proud...I am not sure there was a dry eye in the congregation, but my church family got to hear about her on the day that her little brother was baptized. It was also amazing because we had many people there for his baptism who maybe were touched by Aubree too...It was such a perfect day...

Sometimes I Feel Like I Have Failed Her..

I have been feeling pretty down lately, and I know that is probably because Christmas is quickly approaching as is the two year mark in February. I feel like I am failing Aubree in so many ways...not getting flowers in her name at church this year, not visiting her grave, etc. To top it off I have blatantly not told people about her at times. Last weekend I went to the grocery store after church with Westyn, and I ran into my old tennis coach and her husband. They were so excited to meet Wes, and then she asked me how many children I had...I hesitated and finally said, "Three." She went on to ask me how old they were...I knew that was coming, and for some reason I didn't even say anything about Aubree. I didn't really want to get into it right then and there, but I felt so terrible about not saying, "Four." I cringe every time someone says I have two boys and a girl, but I don't correct them if I don't know them..I should ALWAYS acknowledge her, but there are times that it is just easier not to. I wish that I didn't even have to deal with this at times because I feel so torn. I really don't know what the right thing is to do sometimes. I don't really want a pity party, but I want people to know she existed. I can't seem to share her story without people feeling really sorry for me and then in turn making me sad all over again. I feel like I can't win sometimes...

We also decorated our tree this week so that of course unearthed a ton of ornaments that made me sad all over again. I came across the one from the funeral home, and it seriously just hit me like it had just happened. I sometimes can't believe that I even went through that. I am still standing, and I am getting better as each month passes. I think about that month that I knew she was going to die, and I can't even believe I was able to walk around and feel her moving around inside of me just knowing that she was going to die. I was just waiting for her to die so I could truly grieve instead of grieving and hoping at the same time..That time of my life was awful, and it seems like these thoughts just keep circulating around in my head these days. I truly feel like I need to honor her more and spend more time with her at her grave, but Mike keeps asking me why. He wants to know who I am doing that for..for herself or for me..I think it is a little bit of both. I need to spend time with her (even though I know she isn't really there), and I need to spend the time for me because I feel like a horrible mother when I don't give her the attention I think she deserves. I am trying to hard to keep her memory alive in our family, but I feel like I have failed her lately...