Friday, December 9, 2011

Sometimes I Feel Like I Have Failed Her..

I have been feeling pretty down lately, and I know that is probably because Christmas is quickly approaching as is the two year mark in February. I feel like I am failing Aubree in so many ways...not getting flowers in her name at church this year, not visiting her grave, etc. To top it off I have blatantly not told people about her at times. Last weekend I went to the grocery store after church with Westyn, and I ran into my old tennis coach and her husband. They were so excited to meet Wes, and then she asked me how many children I had...I hesitated and finally said, "Three." She went on to ask me how old they were...I knew that was coming, and for some reason I didn't even say anything about Aubree. I didn't really want to get into it right then and there, but I felt so terrible about not saying, "Four." I cringe every time someone says I have two boys and a girl, but I don't correct them if I don't know them..I should ALWAYS acknowledge her, but there are times that it is just easier not to. I wish that I didn't even have to deal with this at times because I feel so torn. I really don't know what the right thing is to do sometimes. I don't really want a pity party, but I want people to know she existed. I can't seem to share her story without people feeling really sorry for me and then in turn making me sad all over again. I feel like I can't win sometimes...

We also decorated our tree this week so that of course unearthed a ton of ornaments that made me sad all over again. I came across the one from the funeral home, and it seriously just hit me like it had just happened. I sometimes can't believe that I even went through that. I am still standing, and I am getting better as each month passes. I think about that month that I knew she was going to die, and I can't even believe I was able to walk around and feel her moving around inside of me just knowing that she was going to die. I was just waiting for her to die so I could truly grieve instead of grieving and hoping at the same time..That time of my life was awful, and it seems like these thoughts just keep circulating around in my head these days. I truly feel like I need to honor her more and spend more time with her at her grave, but Mike keeps asking me why. He wants to know who I am doing that for..for herself or for me..I think it is a little bit of both. I need to spend time with her (even though I know she isn't really there), and I need to spend the time for me because I feel like a horrible mother when I don't give her the attention I think she deserves. I am trying to hard to keep her memory alive in our family, but I feel like I have failed her lately...


  1. My heart aches for you. You are absoutely NOT a bad mom. I think it's hard for all of us. I find myself doing the same thing as you with people asking me how many kids I have sometimes I say none and I feel like UGh. I know I should say 3 but they aren't living. Feel free to call me anytime. I know the holiday season is hard for all of us. Much love my friend and many hugs praying for you as always<3

  2. Hugs. I am feeling the same way. Our two year mark is also Feb 22 which is when our daughter Lilly was born. Thinking of you and your sweet Aubree.