Two Years..

It has been two whole years since Aubree left my body and my arms. I just can't believe it has been that long already. It feels like yesterday, and it feels like a lifetime ago. These past two years have been a whirlwind of activity, emotions, and learning to live again without a child we expected to join our family. Sometimes her absence is suffocating, and I feel guilty for being happy about anything because how I can I be happy when she isn't here? I have learned to give up the guilt though and to just be thankful. I am so very thankful for Westyn, and if she was here he wouldn't be. I felt so guilty for so long trying to weigh that all out, but I just decided to give it up because this is how it was meant to be from day 1. Aubree is a part of our family, but she is just the lucky one who gets to be with her Heavenly Father first..There isn't a day that goes by that her name or her image doesn't cross my mind about a million times, but it isn't as painful as it once was to think of her or to say her name. She will always be my daughter even if she doesn't get to grow up in front of my very eyes. I can see her and what she would look like because she looked so much like Carley. I imagine that she would have been just like her big sister and just as crazy as her brother!

When I was pregnant with Aubree I was so in tune with her. I knew she was a girl, and I knew something just wasn't right from the beginning. I was also very certain that she had red hair. I was very wrong about that though, but Westyn most certainly has red hair. When I look at him I see her, and I feel her presence with us. She is there, and every time he smiles I feel like she is smiling down on us too. She is happy, my kids are happy, and that in turns makes me happy. When I walk into a room and I get a squeal and a smile that is worth a thousand words I can't help but be filled with joy. He is loving me for both of them. Today I want to thank Aubree for being my daughter, for helping me to become a better person, and for showing me true joy in the form of a happy, beautiful, baby boy.

I have been hearing "I Will Carry You" everywhere lately, and I swear it is a message to me. I have struggled with moving on because I feel that means that I am forgetting. I don't know how to move on without putting it all behind me which makes me feel like I would have to put her behind me which is not something I want to do. That song has been reminding me that I will always carry her long after she is gone. I am always going to be her mother no matter what. I can pick up and go on with my life, but I will always be carrying her with me...

I am sending all of my love today to you sweet girl. I miss you and love you more than I can even say, but I know that you already know what is in my heart. I hope that your day is full of peace just like mine is because I know that you are the lucky one...

Quiet...

Sorry I have been so quiet lately. I guess I just haven't had much to say, or maybe I didn't want to ramble on about how anxious I have become about everything. I am working on that at the moment both through prayer and with going back to therapy. I just can't keep on living like this, and my family needs me. I haven't exactly been a happy person, and I want to go back to the old me. I know that it might not be entirely possible, but I can get as close as I can hopefully! That is pretty much where I have been..Generalized Anxiety..I know that some of it could be postpartum stuff going on, but I want to truly enjoy everything with my family. At this point in my life I don't feel like I am there so I am going to attempt to get there...

As for everything else..my children are all doing very well in swimming and at school. Westyn is getting huge, and he is bringing me nothing but joy every single day. He is seriously the happiest baby who just loves life. I swear God knew what He was doing when He blessed us with him! I want time to stop so he will quit growing, but I know that isn't possible. It just makes me sad to think that he is my last baby, and it makes me sad that every single item of clothing that I pack up will never be worn by any of my children ever again..It is hard to realize that you have come to the end of that part of your life. I realize I have a lot to look forward to, but I am just such a baby person! I will miss this phase!

Our two year mark is coming up, and I still miss her every day...I do have to say that I have somehow made my peace with it all. Aubree was never meant to live here, but Westyn was. I would have loved to have known Aubree, but I would have hated to miss out on all that Westyn is..I have decided to just accept this, and to just enjoy him instead of feeling so guilty all of the time for everything..Not an easy thing to do at times, but I don't want to miss out on anything with this beautiful baby..