Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Two Years..

It has been two whole years since Aubree left my body and my arms. I just can't believe it has been that long already. It feels like yesterday, and it feels like a lifetime ago. These past two years have been a whirlwind of activity, emotions, and learning to live again without a child we expected to join our family. Sometimes her absence is suffocating, and I feel guilty for being happy about anything because how I can I be happy when she isn't here? I have learned to give up the guilt though and to just be thankful. I am so very thankful for Westyn, and if she was here he wouldn't be. I felt so guilty for so long trying to weigh that all out, but I just decided to give it up because this is how it was meant to be from day 1. Aubree is a part of our family, but she is just the lucky one who gets to be with her Heavenly Father first..There isn't a day that goes by that her name or her image doesn't cross my mind about a million times, but it isn't as painful as it once was to think of her or to say her name. She will always be my daughter even if she doesn't get to grow up in front of my very eyes. I can see her and what she would look like because she looked so much like Carley. I imagine that she would have been just like her big sister and just as crazy as her brother!

When I was pregnant with Aubree I was so in tune with her. I knew she was a girl, and I knew something just wasn't right from the beginning. I was also very certain that she had red hair. I was very wrong about that though, but Westyn most certainly has red hair. When I look at him I see her, and I feel her presence with us. She is there, and every time he smiles I feel like she is smiling down on us too. She is happy, my kids are happy, and that in turns makes me happy. When I walk into a room and I get a squeal and a smile that is worth a thousand words I can't help but be filled with joy. He is loving me for both of them. Today I want to thank Aubree for being my daughter, for helping me to become a better person, and for showing me true joy in the form of a happy, beautiful, baby boy.

I have been hearing "I Will Carry You" everywhere lately, and I swear it is a message to me. I have struggled with moving on because I feel that means that I am forgetting. I don't know how to move on without putting it all behind me which makes me feel like I would have to put her behind me which is not something I want to do. That song has been reminding me that I will always carry her long after she is gone. I am always going to be her mother no matter what. I can pick up and go on with my life, but I will always be carrying her with me...

I am sending all of my love today to you sweet girl. I miss you and love you more than I can even say, but I know that you already know what is in my heart. I hope that your day is full of peace just like mine is because I know that you are the lucky one...


  1. Amanda,
    Many hugs to you today this post brought tears to my eyes. You are so right Aubree will always be with you<3 much love my friend

  2. Thinking of you so much today! Love to think of Aubree, Eli, and all of their friends in Heaven!

  3. Beautiful and perfecty written. So happy Westyn has brought you such peace. I love that song because it also reminds me that our sweet babies will always be with us. Aubree is looking down and smiling as she celebrates her heavenly birthday with her family and friends, and I know Payton is right there beside her. Hugs to you! <3 Aubree <3

  4. Thinking of you. Your right, Aubree will always be right with you....