Sigh..

I have been silent for so long for so many reasons, but I have felt the need to come back and at least fill you all in on some of the reasons as to why I have been so quiet! I have been struggling with anxiety since Aubree died, and it hit it's peak around January of this year. I have been struggling with that on top of raising three kids and hoping that I don't pass out at any given moment from exhaustion. I haven't been feeling like myself at all so I decided to try doing something for just me. I decided to sell Thirty-One after talking to several people about the company and their products. They are a Christian-based company based on Proverbs 31. I thought they might be a good fit for me so I signed myself up before I ever owned any of their products! Since becoming a consultant I have found some peace through distraction. I truly love my job because it is fun, and I can make my own hours and socialize with people who know NOTHING about me. It is great! I have also started to realize that I am suffering from some postpartum depression. I never thought I was, but my husband so kindly pointed out that he can recall three days that I have been happy...Three days..I sort of feel emotionless most of the time, and I have a hard time getting excited about things, but I thought it was just because I was so tired. Tired all of the time...I have had all of the signs, but I just attributed them to other things. I decided that I don't want to live like this anymore so I made two appointments for myself. I already saw my therapist, and I will see my OB on Thursday to see what he thinks. I just know that it is exhausting feeling like this all of the time. I am ready to feel a little bit like the old Amanda again. I have never dealt with this before so this has all been new to me. I felt fine after my other kids. I think it has been so hard for me to identify because I can't really tell the difference between my grief and the depression. It is hard because I have to work at being happy. We went on vacation a week or so ago, and I had a panic attack on vacation..I was supposed to be relaxed! My panic attacks are coming more frequently, and I am even nervous in crowds now. Not healthy. I am on a journey to become happy again..to feel emotions again. So that is where I have been...My kids are great though. Carley was registered for kindergarten this morning..I just can't believe she is there already. Parker is having fun playing soccer (he is so aggressive and fun to watch). Westyn is a joy. He is currently growing a red mohawk, and I love it! He is seven months now, and I think he is the craziest one of the bunch. Thank goodness he has so many smiles for me every day. He makes me feel so loved! I am on a mission to a healthier, happier me!