Monday, July 30, 2012

My Heart Is Broken

I am devastated and completely numb right now.  One of my very close friends just joined this horrible club we all belong to, and I am completely at a loss for how to help her since nothing can be said or done to take the pain away.  She had such a difficult time getting pregnant and her pregnancy was maybe blissful for about a second since she had some issues crop up in the second trimester that made the doctors monitor her three times a week for the remainder of her pregnancy.  Things were looking great for her, and she was finally able to get excited about meeting her little baby.  She went in on Saturday for her scheduled NST, and on the way there the baby was moving all around.  She goes and gets hooked up to the NST to find out there is no more heartbeat.  She delivered her little girl, Kara Elise, yesterday morning at 8:21 AM.  She is finding peace in that she is playing with her cousin (her sister had a stillborn too) and Aubree in Heaven.  She was almost 38 weeks pregnant.  It was a cord accident that evidently caused her death.  I just don't understand.  Why did this have to happen to her too?  She had been praying so hard for a baby because she wanted to be a mother so badly.  I just don't get it. 

I have been trying to help her as much as I can via text message because she isn't up to talking which I completely get.  The information leaked to most of our other friends either last night or today so everyone has been asking what they can do to help her.  She is still in the hospital because the placenta didn't detach so she had to go in for surgery to remove it.  I know that can be pretty common in stillbirths because my doctor said he was worried about that happening with me.  I keep telling everyone that they just need to pray for her right now because we can't really do anything.  She is going to need all of us immensely at some point here, but we just can't do anything or say anything right now to help.  It is an awful place to be in, but it is the truth.  I know how I felt, and I have gathered that she feels the same way right now.  She just needs her time to process all of this. 

I just wish I could wake up from this nightmare and that she isn't really going through this.  I hate that she has to begin this horrible journey.  I am trying to compile a list of all that was helpful to me through those dark days, but my memory is shot.  I think I must have blocked it all out.  I can vaguely recall trying to find something to bury her in and such.  I just don't remember much else...Nothing seemed important.  I can recall the things that I hated though..all of the flowers that kept coming.  They did nothing but make me mad because they couldn't make up for the fact that she was gone.  I know they are supposed to bring happiness, but they just made me mad because I should have been getting flowers that had "Congratulations" on them instead of "In Sympathy." 

If anyone has any advice at all on how to help her please pass it along..she has no living children as this was her first so please help me help her..I had two kids who dragged me out of bed in the mornings.  She has no one to do that so this will be even harder for her.  Please just pray for her.  Her name is Stephanie and her husband's name is Mark.  My heart is just broken for them because I know how she feels right now, and it is the worst feeling in the world...I have been sending her a few songs and a few books that have helped me, but as we all know there is just nothing out there that can take away the empty feeling you have when baby is no longer in your belly or your arms..

On a brighter note..we went to Aubree's grave yesterday, and we saw a dragonfly (Mike did).  It was apparently hovering over us, and by the time we left there were two...I told Stephanie that Aubree just gained a best friend...She liked that thought too..


  1. I will pray for her. Matthew was our first...and you are is nearly impossible to drag yourself out when there is nothing to motivate you to do so. When we lost Trey in April, my husband said, "Thank God for Luke. Can you imagine if we had to go through this without him?"

    I thought, 'Are you kidding me?????????????????? We did. When we lost Matthew, we had NO LUKE. NO Matthew and NO Luke and NO Trey and seriously, very little hope."

    It was the prayers of others that sustained us, and I will pray for her. I'm so, so sorry.

    1. Thanks Lori. I might need you to talk to her at some point if you are ok with that. Thanks for your prayers!! She truly appreciates them!!

  2. I'm so sorry your friend has to know such pain :(

  3. So sorry for your friends loss I will be praying for her

  4. So sorry to hear this!! SOOO sorry!

    And yes, the flowers made me IRATE. Especially when we told people we didn't want them because we already knew she had a fatal dx...and they still sent them.

  5. So sorry for your friend Amanda! That is heartbreaking! Sending love and prayers to you all!