Sunday, February 22, 2015

Five Years..

I find it so hard to imagine that it has been five years since I held her in my arms.  I find little things setting me off...watching other kids pick up their kindergarten registration packets, celebrating fifth birthdays, etc.  It's hard watching those girls grow up when I know Aubree would have been their age because we were all due at the same time.  It's been a rough one, and I have been pretty sad today.  I had a hard time getting out of bed knowing what this day would be like.  Crying over every little thing is not my idea of a good day.

I made pink cupcakes last night for her, and I bought her and myself a bouquet of red tulips.  I was planning all along to make the long drive to her grave alone.  Parker had baseball registration today that he needed to be here for. Mike surprised me last night when he said we were leaving early and we were all going.  Mike doesn't feel the same way about going to her grave as I do, but he realized it means a lot to me so he drove.  The weather was perfect so we were lucky.  The kids were great and didn't complain at all.  Westyn has no clue, but he excitedly carried the flowers.  We had to dig her out of a huge pile of snow.  We always laugh when we go to her grave because we have to take a shovel..whether it's digging her out of the snow or trying to clean up her grave. I'm sure we look crazy walking there.  I remember wanting to dig her up the first year.  So crazy, but I hated that my baby was in the ground.  We had a nice visit, and it made me so happy that we had gone.  I couldn't bake her a cake or buy her presents, but I could do this for her.  It's so hard as a mother to not be able to make things right for your child.  I always feel like a failure when it comes to even just maintaining her grave.  It's even harder now that we moved.  I missed our Christmas tradition this year, but the weather has just not cooperated with it being so far away.  I wish I could spend more time with her at her beautiful resting place, but maybe we are far away for a reason..

Five years without her has aged me significantly.  I feel older, but I also feel wiser.  I see the world differently.  I have lost my innocence, but I also cherish what I have even more now.  I miss her so much, but I see her in so many ways..I know she is with us.  She is in Westyn's smile, the out of the blue hugs that Parker gives me (which are really unheard of), and even a basketball game.  Carley scored 22 points yesterday in her game, and my girlfriend so lovingly pointed out that significance.  She is always reminding me that she is still here.  I wish it was in a more tangible way, but a piece of her remains inside of me.  I will always carry her with me no matter where I go.  It's not easy going through life with a part of your family missing.  Always wondering what life would have been like.  I would have had a kindergartener..  When I think back to that day I shudder to remember that we went through that.  No part of it was fun.  Holding her was beautiful, but letting go was the worst thing I have ever experienced.  When the nurse took her away to await the funeral home my heart broke into a million pieces knowing I would never see her again on this side of Heaven. I had no idea how to put my life back together, but here I am.  I am happy again and finding joy.  I felt so guilty for so long for allowing happiness back into my life, but I think that is what she wanted.  Westyn's personality is a true testament to that.  You can't help but smile when he gives you his goofy grin.  I saw a really awesome shirt that someone makes on Etsy.  I am half tempted to get one for Wes.  It says "Hand Picked for Earth by my sister in Heaven."  I love this.

I am proud to be her mom, but the sadness that I feel in her absence is hard.  I never got to know her in the same way as my other kids.  I am sure she was just like them, but she would have been her own person too.  Not knowing is tough..I am so thankful for beautiful friends who always remember with me and for all of the love that I feel today.  I have a feeling she had something to do with our move here.   I have seen some of the reason, but I am looking forward to what her plans and God's plans are for us here..

1 comment:

  1. I have been going through a very bittersweet time as well, cherishing every moment with the children I do get to watch grow while always wondering who my Maxwell would have been.