Saturday, February 26, 2011

A Little Bit of the Truth..

I have been just living my life as usual, and today I have sat down to really think about this past few days..I feel like I am just going through the motions again. I feel more at peace then I did last year, but it is hard to not think about where I was at this time last year. It was this Saturday (a different day of course) that we buried her, and I had to really say good-bye to her body. I can remember the feeling so vividly..that crazy feeling that I wanted to open her casket, take her out of it, and just run...I'm not sure what that would have accomplished. I'm not even sure I would have wanted to see her after a week because of the deterioration of her body. I think that was the hardest part of it all..watching her body deteriorate right before my eyes. I was honest with a few people this week about what it was really like on that she was really purple and red, about how her skin was peeling off, and about the spinal fluid that kept draining from her nose..I think they were horrified to hear that, but I never talked about what it was really like on that day before. One of my friends thanked me for finally being honest..the other one just shook her head just thinking about how awful that must have been for me. Witnessing what happens to our bodies in death was awful because she was my beautiful daughter. The more I touched her the more she fell apart. I am the one who is supposed to make her all better when she is hurt..not hurt her even more. I know she was in no pain at that point, but it is hard not to think that way when every single jostle caused more fluid to drain, etc..I'm sorry if this is too graphic, but it is the raw and honest truth about that day. The picture on my blog is what I usually have pictured in my head about what she looked like, but every so often the truth sneaks in to my head and I see what she really looked like. She WAS beautiful, but her coloring was not like it was in that picture..

I have found a new song that I really love to listen especially going into the season of Lent. It reminds me of the sacrifices that Jesus made for all of us so that we can live. It also reminds me that I need to surrender all that I have to Him. I know that I have always struggled with that being a control freak, but that is one of the biggest lessons that Aubree taught me..I have to surrender it all because I have no control at all over what happens in my life despite how hard I try to control everything. All I can do is pray and hope for the best in all situations, but God is ultimately in control so He gets to make the final decisions..not me..It is so hard to give up that control, but when you do it almost feels like this huge stone has been lifted from your chest. I am so thankful for the love that we have been shown and for the great care that my daughter is getting in her heavenly home. In reality..there is no way that I could ever compete with Heaven!

"Open Hands" by Matt Papa

To give unselfishly
to serve the least of these
Jesus I'm learning how to live with open hands
All these treasures that I own
will never satisfy my soul
Jesus I lay them at your throne with open hands

I lift my hands open wide
let the whole world see
how you love, how you died, how you set me free
free at last, I surrender all I am with open hands, with open hands

To finally let go of my plans
these earthly kingdoms built of sand
Jesus at your cross I stand with open hands

You took the nails, You bore the crown
You hung your head, Your love poured out
You took my place, You paid the price
so Jesus now I will give my life


  1. I know exactly how you feel. I went by the cemetary today and just stood there remembering one year ago tomorrow when we put Eli's tiny little body in the ground, except that it was a Saturday last year. I wanted to run away with him then and this year just could not fathom where time has gone because it feels like hours ago. I know how reality is so different than those gorgeous pictures we had done. I remember how fast he turned purple and his little tongue and mouth dried out. I remember how quickly the blood pooled up on one side of his body. Even those things are precious to me, but I'm his mom. I am with you today. Thinking of you and praying. xoxo

  2. Ive been praying for you and thinking about you alot.

  3. I love the picture of Aubree and of you holding her. Aubree looks so peaceful and the love for her is so clear :).
    When we lost Payton we weren't know about NILMDTS and I didn't think that pictures can be touched up, so we don't have any pictures of Payton's face. She also didn't look good, yet I remember how beautiful she was. Regardless of Aubree's coloring she is beautiful.
    When I read your post I often feel like I'm reading my life. I have trouble giving up control and constantly need to remind myself. The song is wonderful. Thinking of you.

  4. I know I would've liked to have run away with Carleigh instead of putting her in her casket. Carleigh's coloring was off b/c of the bruising that she had.

  5. I wanted to stand still in time because every minute that went by Bethany's skin got colder and her lips more red. Everything in me wanted to go back in time and feel her moving inside me....hold on to the hope that our angels are now perfect in heaven.