Tuesday, February 1, 2011

February 1st..

I can remember February 1, 2010, like it was yesterday. I can remember getting in the car on a snowy morning to make our drive to our ultrasound in Pittsburgh at West Penn to get our second view of what was going on with the baby (we didn't know at this time that it was an Aubree). I can remember sitting in the waiting room with a bunch of other couples who were nervous because they were there for reasons similar to ours. We talked to one couple, and they told us their child had a kidney problem just like their older daughter did, but she outgrew it. We of course had no idea what was wrong. We met with the genetic counselor who went through our family history and was pleasantly surprised to see that we had nothing to really worry about as far as genetics go. She went over a few things it could be, but they wouldn't know anything until they went in and took a better look.

I can remember being scared to death with Mike holding my hand as they began the ultrasound. They were looking at different things and they began telling me that my fluid levels were normal..hooray! I was so excited, and I truly began to believe that maybe they were wrong..They went on saying things about her brain, the cord, the heart, etc. Then they mentioned rocker bottom feet. I had no idea what that meant until they told me that we needed to see a Pediatric Cardiologist if we were not going to do the amnio (which they could have done immediately) because they were suspecting Trisomy 18..That is when all of the air left the room. I just couldn't grasp what they were telling me. They gave me the full cd of the ultrasound for free because they felt badly for me I think..you usually have to pay for them..

We left the office numb and in shock. We had to call our parents and tell them the news..it was the worst phones calls we have ever had to make. I can feel the emotions of that day like it was yesterday because it hit me so hard..my baby was going to die..we just didn't know when. I really had hope that they were wrong, but I was the one who was wrong. I just couldn't accept that my baby was not going to live. How do you understand that the active baby in your belly is so sick that he/she will die without your body sustaining his/her life? I couldn't..and I spent an entire month in shock and almost worthless because I couldn't even take care of my own kids..

I was terrified of what was going to happen to her, but in a way I was at peace which was strange. God was there holding my hand through it all, and He somehow got me through each and every day even if it wasn't gracefully. I have never cried so much in my life. I seriously think I cried for a month straight..and then even beyond that. I cried so much that I dried out my cornea and had to be on steroids for it..One year ago was the day that Trisomy 18 came into our lives forever..

7 comments:

  1. Thinking of you today and praying for peace! Sending big hugs your way! I'm sorry, mama, that these things even exist. xoxo

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  2. Thinking of you! Hugs and prayers. :)

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  3. Sending you Love and Hugs! Hoping that you found some peace throughout your day. blowing kisses to your angel .

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  4. Its amazing to me how time and days change once our little ones come and go from our lives...Many days and moments we will never remember the same, but I believe that God has given us those memories as a part of our life and our story. She is a part of you, and that day is a part of her and your life that you will never forget. The most amazing thing to me is the grace God shows when we can't even see from the tears streaming from our eyes...thinking of you.

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  5. It’s amazing how we moms remember the details and feelings of those moments with our angels forever. I don't remember every detail of my wedding, the last ultrasound of Tatum, (I hate to admit), not even all the details of her birth. Yet, every detail and feeling of my final moments with Payton is etched into my mind and heart. Thinking of you and Aubree.

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  6. I remember those moments myself & I felt at peace as you did. Aubree is beautiful and I have always loved that name! Thank you for sharing her. *hugs*

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  7. Like Elena, I remember that time when we got the news.. ((hug))

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