14 Months..

Wow..I sit here thinking about the sacrifice that Jesus made all of those years ago so that I can be forgiven of my sins and live my life with him in Heaven. I am really thankful especially on Good Friday this year because Aubree has been able to live with Jesus for 14 months now. I know that she is being taken care of so well, and I know that Jesus loves her probably even more then I do. I just feel so thankful and blessed today to be able to feel contentment at where she is living now. This Easter season has really hit me hard this year in that I am not grieving in the same way I was last year. I am actually celebrating her new life, and I feel so at peace about the fact that she is able to be in Heaven because of the sacrifice that Jesus made. It really is a wonderful feeling...I am still missing her every day, and I have to admit that every time I go in the nursery/guest room I still think of it as her room. I feel badly being that "her" room will hopefully be going to her brother or sister, but I have this strange feeling that she is perfectly ok with that. On this dreary, dreary spring day I feel happiness, pure joy, and so much love for my daughter and for my creator..I feel blessed beyond measure, and I hope that everyone feels this pure joy at some point in their lives because there is nothing better..

"God, you are rich in mercy. Because of Your great love with which You loved us, even when we were dead in sins, You have made us alive together with Christ, (by grace we are saved)." Ephesians 2:4-5

What a beautiful sacrifice...

Blessings..

I was on my way home from picking Carley up from school when the song "Blessings" came on the radio by Laura Story..wow..I have heard this song before, but for some reason it hit me like a ton of bricks, and before I knew it I was sobbing. My kids were asking me random questions, and I could barely answer them through my tears. It is such a powerful song in so many ways because Aubree was a blessing to me even though she brought months and months of tears..I know she taught me a lot about life and love in her short life, but this song just really reminded me that God was using her beautiful life to pull me closer to Him. Sometimes I wonder why He had to use her to bring me closer to Him when so many others don't ever have to go through trials like this..Are they stronger then I am or are they just better Christians? I have always wondered that, but I never ask why because I just need to trust that God knows what is best for me. I am so blessed, and I am looking forward to seeing what God has in store for me.. He has surprised me already in this lifetime..

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

Colors...

I have been seeing colors for a while now just hoping that they will all come together at the end of September to make the beautiful rainbow that we have been praying for. I have been terrified and haven't even told many people including most of our family that we are expecting again. It is such a strange feeling to try to hide something that is supposed to be so wonderful. I was never like that before, but I am just so afraid of losing another baby that it is just easier to not have to talk about it with anyone. I am getting to the point of not being able to hide it anymore though being that this is my fourth baby. My body is just not as elastic as it used to be. :)

I am excited yet sad that this baby only exists because she doesn't. I have been struggling with that for a while, but as time goes on I am slowly realizing that this has been the plan all along. I was meant to have another baby after Aubree. We just didn't know that four children were meant to be in our family..not the three that we initially planned for. I feel so blessed to be given another chance at being a mother to a newborn, and we continue to pray that everything continues to go well. I had an initial ultrasound to pinpoint my due date exactly which was to the day for the first time ever! Aubree was already a couple weeks behind at that point, but I didn't realize it at the time because my cycles were not regular at that point due to the PCOS. I will be having another ultrasound here sometime in the next few weeks I imagine to make sure the baby is developing ok and that he/she appears healthy. My doctor has been so wonderful with me and has been reassuring me all along the way. He wants to reassure me as soon as he can that the baby is ok..We don't know that for sure, but we are very hopeful that all will be fine this time around. Nothing in life is guaranteed though so all I have to bank on is my faith..

Our families have been bugging us because they are excited to share our news with their family and friends. I have been so hesitant to share because I am waiting for the clean bill of health, but in reality (as my mother kindly pointed out) I will still be pregnant no matter what the ultrasound shows. I know everyone will be thrilled for us, but there are a few people out there who think I need special testing now and are extra worried that we will have another baby like Aubree. I don't want to be treated any differently because that just reminds me that something went terribly wrong the last time. I also understand that people just don't realize that it was a complete fluke with Aubree..it was not genetic so I don't even need to go for genetic testing unless I would want to for some reason. I think that has been a part of my hesitation about telling people too in some ways..I need to be more positive..I have tried to keep this to myself, but as I have started feeling those little kicks it makes it all the more real to me. I need to share, and I need to be honest with myself..I have been given another chance, and I need to embrace it instead of hiding it from the world even though it has just been easier to keep it to myself. My kids know and are thrilled with the idea of having another sibling. Parker thinks Aubree is finally coming to live with us, but Carley is more concerned about having another sick baby. Such is life after loss I guess..It hasn't been easy getting used to the idea of allowing my heart to open up again since it was crushed last year, but I keep praying that God will continue to guide me on this new adventure with this new little one..

Speechless..

As I tucked Parker into bed last night and we said his prayers, he began to ask a few questions that I just couldn't answer..We always include Aubree in our prayers, and he all of a sudden decided to ask me some questions about why she wasn't here with us. I explained to him that she was sick and had to go to Heaven to be with God already. He told me that he would fly up to Heaven and bring her back. He also included in this statement as an afterthought that he would turn into Buzz Lightyear and fly up there.. I told him how sweet it was of him to want to bring her back to us, but I also told him that I thought she was really happy where she was because she wasn't sick anymore. He then proceeded to tell me that "God is bad." Wow..I know we are in the phase where everything is either good or bad, but I certainly don't want him thinking that way about God. I can understand why he said that, but I also explained to him that God is taking care of her for us. He isn't bad at all because he is the reason she is healed and happy now. Sure..I have thought in my own ways that God isn't necessarily fair or that the fact that he let me carry her for 31 weeks was a bit much when He had planned that I would never meet her alive, but I believe that God is good! I was just shocked that he was coming up with these statements all of a sudden. I am sure he is trying to process all of this in his own way, but we have never made any references at all that God is bad in any way..I am sure it is just his three-year-old understanding of good and bad, and to him it would seem like "God is bad" when the loss of Aubree is what has caused all of the sadness in our house. My sweet, sweet, Parker just wants his mommy to be happy, and he thinks that by bringing Aubree back I will be his happy mommy again.. Sure, I am sure that having her in my life in a more physical way would bring happiness back to me, but I can't say that her life here would be better then what it is now. I just need to continue being patient because someday we will hopefully all get to fly up to Heaven to meet her..I hope for Parker's sake that he gets to be Buzz Lightyear when he goes! :)