Monday, April 11, 2011

Colors...

I have been seeing colors for a while now just hoping that they will all come together at the end of September to make the beautiful rainbow that we have been praying for. I have been terrified and haven't even told many people including most of our family that we are expecting again. It is such a strange feeling to try to hide something that is supposed to be so wonderful. I was never like that before, but I am just so afraid of losing another baby that it is just easier to not have to talk about it with anyone. I am getting to the point of not being able to hide it anymore though being that this is my fourth baby. My body is just not as elastic as it used to be. :)

I am excited yet sad that this baby only exists because she doesn't. I have been struggling with that for a while, but as time goes on I am slowly realizing that this has been the plan all along. I was meant to have another baby after Aubree. We just didn't know that four children were meant to be in our family..not the three that we initially planned for. I feel so blessed to be given another chance at being a mother to a newborn, and we continue to pray that everything continues to go well. I had an initial ultrasound to pinpoint my due date exactly which was to the day for the first time ever! Aubree was already a couple weeks behind at that point, but I didn't realize it at the time because my cycles were not regular at that point due to the PCOS. I will be having another ultrasound here sometime in the next few weeks I imagine to make sure the baby is developing ok and that he/she appears healthy. My doctor has been so wonderful with me and has been reassuring me all along the way. He wants to reassure me as soon as he can that the baby is ok..We don't know that for sure, but we are very hopeful that all will be fine this time around. Nothing in life is guaranteed though so all I have to bank on is my faith..

Our families have been bugging us because they are excited to share our news with their family and friends. I have been so hesitant to share because I am waiting for the clean bill of health, but in reality (as my mother kindly pointed out) I will still be pregnant no matter what the ultrasound shows. I know everyone will be thrilled for us, but there are a few people out there who think I need special testing now and are extra worried that we will have another baby like Aubree. I don't want to be treated any differently because that just reminds me that something went terribly wrong the last time. I also understand that people just don't realize that it was a complete fluke with Aubree..it was not genetic so I don't even need to go for genetic testing unless I would want to for some reason. I think that has been a part of my hesitation about telling people too in some ways..I need to be more positive..I have tried to keep this to myself, but as I have started feeling those little kicks it makes it all the more real to me. I need to share, and I need to be honest with myself..I have been given another chance, and I need to embrace it instead of hiding it from the world even though it has just been easier to keep it to myself. My kids know and are thrilled with the idea of having another sibling. Parker thinks Aubree is finally coming to live with us, but Carley is more concerned about having another sick baby. Such is life after loss I guess..It hasn't been easy getting used to the idea of allowing my heart to open up again since it was crushed last year, but I keep praying that God will continue to guide me on this new adventure with this new little one..

3 comments:

  1. I know all of those emotions and have had to deal with the questions my children have also. It is hard and difficult. Jamie and I were talking the other night about how it would be if Eli were here and I piped up and said,"Well if he were here, Amelia probably would not be." That hurts as much as losing Eli to think about. One does not replace the other. We love them both. God's plan is being fulfilled. Praying for you and your family and especially the beautiful rainbow you have on the way. xoxo

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  2. Sending you HUGS and Love. Hoping that everything goes well for you.

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  3. Amanda congratulations. Sending love and praying for all your family!

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