5 Days??

I have just about five days before labor is induced if baby does not come before on his/her own. I am terrified needless to say. We have been trying to get things in order for this coming week, but the more I see of baby things the more I get freaked out. I feel like we shouldn't be getting anything ready at all, but I know that I need to be somewhat prepared because things really could turn out the way that we hope they do this time around..I am trying to stay positive and remember that most people bring home healthy babies, but it is so hard to forget that bad things can happen..I have been faced with talking about Aubree so much lately, and I don't understand why people are asking questions all of a sudden. I keep getting, "Is this your third?" or "How old are your other children?" No one has asked me that for an entire year....I can usually get away with just telling people that this is my fourth, but people are wondering how old they are all of a sudden...I have seen these people for an entire year..I really thought they would have figured out how old my kids are or that they would just assume this one was my third..I have had to share Aubree's story twice this past week (not in detail thankfully) with parents who had no clue, and now they just feel badly for me. I hate when people pity me. That is one of the main reasons why I don't talk about it. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I just want people to be aware that she existed! Talking about her just reminds me that she isn't here, and that they have no clue she even existed at all..It just makes me sad to think that people never got to know about my beautiful little girl and about how she changed my life in ways they will never understand.

I am so tired of talking about when this baby is going to be here and what will this baby be with the kids..I know they are excited, but I am so tired of Carley saying that she doesn't want another grave and that she hopes this baby gets to live with us. It is such pleasant bedtime conversation let me tell you! I am tired of being nervous all of the time and tired of trying not to allow myself to get too excited. I can't wait to meet this baby, but I am also terrified of meeting this baby..I keep hearing about how emotional it is and how it brings back all of those memories..I am not sure I am ready for that just yet..That day was so horrible yet so beautiful in so many ways, but I'm not sure I want to relive those emotions again. I am so hopeful that my sane self will be in that delivery room..not the crazy person that could possibly emerge..I am just so ready to get through this next milestone and hopefully move on to even more healing for all of us..

On another note..has anyone heard the new song by Vince Gill? I am not a huge fan of Vince Gill, but I think the words are awesome to this song..It has reminded me that no matter what..the worst thing that can happen in life when we are given bad news is that we might just get to go to heaven..

Threaten Me With Heaven

I can see the tears upon your face, no hiding place
And you're afraid that soon I will be gone, but time will still go on
You're searching for the answers you can find, all in good time

What's the worst thing that can happen,
If they say my time is through
Can they take away the love,
Or they years I've shared with you
What's the worst thing that can happen,
What's the worst that they can do
Threaten me with Heaven, it's all they can do
Threaten me with Heaven, if they want to
Threaten me with Heaven, I believe that it's true
Threaten me with Heaven, I'll be waiting on you

I hear angels through the window pane, calling my name
Someday when they carve my name in stone, I won't be, I won't be alone
If by chance a miracle appears, I'll dry your tears

What's the worst thing that can happen,
If they say my time is through
Can they take away the love,
Or the years I've shared with you
What's the worst thing that can happen,
What's the worst that they can do
Threaten me with Heaven, it's all they can do
Threaten me with Heaven, if they want to
Threaten me with Heaven, I believe that it's true
Threaten me with Heaven, I'll be waiting on you

What's the worst thing that can happen,
What's the worst that they can do
Threaten me with Heaven, that's all they can do
Threaten me with Heaven, ooh, I'll be waiting on you

Threaten me with Heaven,
Threaten me with Heaven
Threaten me with Heaven

Please just continue to pray for us as we prepare to bring this baby into the world and that I am able to keep my cool for everyone's sake! :) Much love to all of you! Will keep you posted..