He's here!!!

Westyn Thomas Berk arrived at 12:50 am on Thursday morning, September 22nd, weighing in at a whopping 8 lbs., 6 oz., and he was 20 inches long. Parker was the exact same weight, but he was 20 1/2 inches long at two days overdue! Wow..Westyn would have been a monster!! :) My induction was scheduled for 7:30 on Wednesday morning of the 21st, but we received a phone call at around 6:00 that they didn't have a bed for me, and they would call me when they wanted me to come in. It was a really long day of waiting for that phone to ring! They had us come in around 4:00, and I got hooked up to the monitors shortly after that. The funny part of it all was that I was actually having contractions all day..When I went in and they checked me I was about 2 1/2 cm. dilated which is about 1 1 1/2 more then I was from the last time that I was checked. I truly believe that Westyn was meant to come on the 22nd being that the number 22 has huge meaning for our family. Mike and I were married on the 22nd of March in 2003, found out Aubree was sick on January 22nd of 2010, she was born on February 22nd of 2010, found out I was pregnant with Westyn on January 22nd of 2011 (same day my niece was born), and then he was born on September 22nd..It sort of all came full circle, and he was exactly 19 months apart from his big sister..

Once they hooked me up and saw that I was having contractions they decided to just give me some pitocin to get the contractions into more a consistent pattern so it went more quickly for me. I was able to get my epidural early on, and it was the best one yet! I could feel my legs, but I could not feel any contractions! I labored all night with a great contraction pattern, and Westyn had no problems at all with labor. My fluid was clear when they broke my water, and my contractions were textbook with just a small amount of pitocin. I started feeling a little pressure around 11:30, but I was really trying to hold off for the 22nd so I didn't say too much. They checked me, and I was 9 at that point I think. In the meantime another girl came into the labor and delivery area, and she went very quickly so they were running around delivering her. I started feeling a ton of pressure around 12:30, but I didn't have a nurse because they were with the other girl who just delivered..I had to breathe through a lot of contractions because they had turned my epidural off at midnight. It apparently only stays in your system for about 1/2 an hour. The nurse finally came back to help me (she was all business which was much different from the other nurses I had had up until this point), and she checked and said I could start pushing. I pushed one time, and she told me to stop...she had to go get my doctor because the baby was right there. He came in (as I am feeling the intense need to push), and told me to push..a few pushes later and out he came sunny-side up...When they said it was a boy and I heard his cry I began to cry and gave a small shout because that the best sound I have ever heard..Just holding him and kissing him truly made my heart full..He was so perfect in every way, and the best part for me was that he had red hair!! I thought that Aubree was going to be my red-head, but I guess it was meant to be Westyn...I had to stay in recovery for a while because they couldn't move me until they moved the other girl, but I didn't mind spending every minute just staring into his perfect little face. That nurse who was all business actually kissed me, and said how relieved she was that everything was ok..she said she was pretty nervous for us..I guess that was why she was all business making sure all was ok..

Being that it was so late we couldn't tell the kids about their baby brother, but my mom had Carley call me first thing in the morning. When I told her she had a new baby brother she started screaming and then mass chaos broke out at my mom's house..They were thrilled, and they couldn't wait to come in and hold him. Carley wouldn't even let anyone else hold him for a long time..she is obsessed with her baby brother, and she tells me several times a day how much she loves him. She also kept telling me how excited she was that we got to bring him home with us. She was very nervous about me not being home, but my mom did a great job of reassuring her that we were just fine. Parker loves him too, but he is just too busy to spend too much time holding him! Westyn has truly completed our family in every way, and I feel so blessed to finally have a baby in my arms..I do have to say that it was a very emotional time for us in the hospital and it still is..when I look at his face I see her..she is there in so many ways, and for a while it was hard to look at him without crying because it just reminded me that she wasn't here..It has made me miss her in so many new ways, but Westyn has really made me feel complete. I am just so thankful that all went well this time around..As for me, I am feeling pretty good physically. I am just a bit anxious about a few things, but I am hoping that will go away in time..God sure is good!!!! Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. They meant more to us then we can even express.

5 Days??

I have just about five days before labor is induced if baby does not come before on his/her own. I am terrified needless to say. We have been trying to get things in order for this coming week, but the more I see of baby things the more I get freaked out. I feel like we shouldn't be getting anything ready at all, but I know that I need to be somewhat prepared because things really could turn out the way that we hope they do this time around..I am trying to stay positive and remember that most people bring home healthy babies, but it is so hard to forget that bad things can happen..I have been faced with talking about Aubree so much lately, and I don't understand why people are asking questions all of a sudden. I keep getting, "Is this your third?" or "How old are your other children?" No one has asked me that for an entire year....I can usually get away with just telling people that this is my fourth, but people are wondering how old they are all of a sudden...I have seen these people for an entire year..I really thought they would have figured out how old my kids are or that they would just assume this one was my third..I have had to share Aubree's story twice this past week (not in detail thankfully) with parents who had no clue, and now they just feel badly for me. I hate when people pity me. That is one of the main reasons why I don't talk about it. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I just want people to be aware that she existed! Talking about her just reminds me that she isn't here, and that they have no clue she even existed at all..It just makes me sad to think that people never got to know about my beautiful little girl and about how she changed my life in ways they will never understand.

I am so tired of talking about when this baby is going to be here and what will this baby be with the kids..I know they are excited, but I am so tired of Carley saying that she doesn't want another grave and that she hopes this baby gets to live with us. It is such pleasant bedtime conversation let me tell you! I am tired of being nervous all of the time and tired of trying not to allow myself to get too excited. I can't wait to meet this baby, but I am also terrified of meeting this baby..I keep hearing about how emotional it is and how it brings back all of those memories..I am not sure I am ready for that just yet..That day was so horrible yet so beautiful in so many ways, but I'm not sure I want to relive those emotions again. I am so hopeful that my sane self will be in that delivery room..not the crazy person that could possibly emerge..I am just so ready to get through this next milestone and hopefully move on to even more healing for all of us..

On another note..has anyone heard the new song by Vince Gill? I am not a huge fan of Vince Gill, but I think the words are awesome to this song..It has reminded me that no matter what..the worst thing that can happen in life when we are given bad news is that we might just get to go to heaven..

Threaten Me With Heaven

I can see the tears upon your face, no hiding place
And you're afraid that soon I will be gone, but time will still go on
You're searching for the answers you can find, all in good time

What's the worst thing that can happen,
If they say my time is through
Can they take away the love,
Or they years I've shared with you
What's the worst thing that can happen,
What's the worst that they can do
Threaten me with Heaven, it's all they can do
Threaten me with Heaven, if they want to
Threaten me with Heaven, I believe that it's true
Threaten me with Heaven, I'll be waiting on you

I hear angels through the window pane, calling my name
Someday when they carve my name in stone, I won't be, I won't be alone
If by chance a miracle appears, I'll dry your tears

What's the worst thing that can happen,
If they say my time is through
Can they take away the love,
Or the years I've shared with you
What's the worst thing that can happen,
What's the worst that they can do
Threaten me with Heaven, it's all they can do
Threaten me with Heaven, if they want to
Threaten me with Heaven, I believe that it's true
Threaten me with Heaven, I'll be waiting on you

What's the worst thing that can happen,
What's the worst that they can do
Threaten me with Heaven, that's all they can do
Threaten me with Heaven, ooh, I'll be waiting on you

Threaten me with Heaven,
Threaten me with Heaven
Threaten me with Heaven

Please just continue to pray for us as we prepare to bring this baby into the world and that I am able to keep my cool for everyone's sake! :) Much love to all of you! Will keep you posted..

Held..

This song by Natalie Grant has really been on my heart lately so I thought I would share..

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow.
The wise hand opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Poison Ivy...

I have a terrible case of poison ivy that has made me so itchy over the past week or so. I have been trying to get rid of it before this baby makes an entrance into this world, but I feel like I just keep getting more and more of it in more random places on my body. The part that makes me the most mad is that I haven't even been in the woods! I am getting it from my dogs! I am so thankful that they are sharing this wonderful gift with me..I have washed everything, but I can't seem to get rid of it..Oh well..this too shall pass I guess! It could be worse I guess! :) I sort of feel "itchy" right now with the baby's due date approaching. I am anxious about delivery, what the baby will look like, how we will all adjust, etc. I am trying to think positively, but I am so nervous about not being able to bring this baby home either. Mike allowed me to splurge on a new diaper bag that I love, and it scares the daylights out of me. I got a new diaper bag (one that I loved) before I had Aubree, but I was never able to use it. It sort of feels like I am setting myself up for the same outcome. I won't even take the diaper bag out of the plastic wrap that it came in. I have everything that I have bought sitting in the nursery unwashed with the receipts in a place where I can find them. Returning unused baby items is not fun, but it is also something I have had to do..I hate being that way, but because I have been through loss I can't help but prepare myself that this could happen again. You try to think positively, but those thoughts are always in the back of my head...

The kids have stated that they don't want to have this baby next to baby Aubree's grave and that they hope we get to bring him or her home. Parker even made a statement about someone taking this baby away last night. I don't know where that came from because we have never said that anyone took Aubree away. I just don't understand where some of this comes from. I guess Parker is talking about Jesus, but his understanding of who Jesus is is pretty vague right now so he just thinks that this man took her away when we say that she went to live with Jesus in Heaven. I don't feel like they are anxious right now which is a good thing, but I am really looking forward to showing them that you can have a positive outcome hopefully..I am ready for my kids to just be the 3 and 4 year-olds that they should be..

Everyone keeps asking me how much longer and a few people want me to let them know what it is like to have three. I understand that Aubree isn't living with us, but it makes me crazy to think that most people don't even know about her. They just look at me and think this is my third child. I don't want to just tell random people her story, but I will if they ask. I have been good about telling people that I have two girls and a boy though when people ask if this is my first and what I am having..To the world we are going to be a family of five, but to us we will always be a family of six..

AHHHH!!

I just needed to vent, and this is of course my best place for doing that! I had my doctor's appointment this morning, and as I sat in a waiting room full of Amish women (yes you read that correctly) I decided that I would love to have an Amish baby..Jk...they are so darn cute though!! :) I don't know if it is their sweet personalities being raised in such loving homes or if it is just the cute little outfits that they wear. I have to feel badly for them though because they have to be so hot in their clothes in this weather! Anyways..I saw my doctor and got checked for the first time, and I was disappointed to find out that I am not dilating at all which will be the first time that has ever happened to me! I am about 50% effaced though so I guess I am still able to be induced on the 21st if I don't go before then. I am almost positive I won't go before then! The best news I got today was that the baby is head-down! I was worried about that since the baby has been transverse for so long! Anyways..back to venting. I had to go to the hospital to do my NST afterwards, and I was in the room with another young girl who must have been having her first. She complained about how her baby boy was beating her up pretty much the entire time..The worst part of it was that the nurse has to ask you all of these questions while you are doing your testing so she started with the other girl first. When she got to the, "Do you smoke?" The girl answered, "Yes." I about died...The girl's mother was so proud of her because she cut down a lot from a whole pack a day to just five a day..Huh??? I wanted to scream..how can you do that to your unborn child? How can she not treasure that little baby in there enough to not smoke at all? I just don't get it..I did everything by the book, and I still had a baby that died..Even before I lost Aubree I would never have taken my unborn child's health for granted..It just made me so sad and angry to think that there are people out there who already don't view their babies as something to be protected..I understand that smoking is a terrible habit and it is hard to break the habit, but I know people who stopped smoking when they got pregnant..I'm sure it isn't easy, but isn't the safety of your unborn child more important? I'm sorry if this offends anyone, but as a mom who lost a baby it is just hard to understand why you would potentially put your child in danger..