Friday, January 6, 2012

Sometimes I Just Can't Win...

We finally made it to Aubree's grave on the 23rd of December to celebrate Christmas with her. It was Westyn's first trip there, but I'm not sure he was even awake for a minute of it! Oh well. He has plenty of time to learn all about his big sister. We took her some Christmas cookies (Pudding Chip from Carley, Red Velvet from Parker, and the kids thought Westyn would want to give her a Turtle Truffle). I took her some red roses even though we have decided not to buy her expensive flowers anymore. We have decided to take the money we would spend on flowers and give a donation to Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep instead in her memory. We think that it is a better way to honor her at this point..Carley also left a note for her which made me cry of course..I was really sad to see that the stone I bought her (that was made out of concrete) completely disintegrated..go figure. Everything that I get for her seems to get destroyed somehow or seems to disappear...I just don't feel like I can win! I need to find something that is completely indestructible I guess..It just makes me so sad every single time I go there, and it looks like no one ever pays any attention to her based on the state of her grave..I couldn't give her anything in this life, and now I can't even seem to make her grave look nice..I know she doesn't care, but as her mother I do...I need her grave to look well-kept, and I need her to know that we still miss her every day and think about her constantly. The only way I can do that physically is to tend to her grave. I have been failing at that lately. I know that we have been busy and that her grave is about an hour or so away, but still...I wish I could see that beautiful grave that I saw that first year with the flowers that bloomed well past their bloom all I see is dirt and ugliness which is exactly how I feel sometimes because she is gone..

The two year mark is approaching, and I am finding anxiety creeping back in. I miss her. Just the other night I was getting out a cake pan for my friend whose daughter is turning two next week..I had this picture flash through my head of what Aubree would be like at two..a little brown-haired, blue-eyed girl running around our house. I actually saw her in my mind..It sort of freaked me out because I wasn't expecting it. I was just getting out a cake pan! It made me sad, and then it made me really mad that I will never get to see her or hold her at this age. I will never get to make a cake for her second birthday for her. It really stinks...


  1. Amanda,
    This post brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry that things sometimes don't go as we plan. Trust me I know how you feel. Aubree knows that you love her always. May you find some peace . Much love to you<3

  2. I found your story on Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. The two year mark is approaching for me as well. my daughter, Lily Katherine, was stillborn at fullterm on March 16, 2010. Aubree is actually a name we considered for her middle name. I am sorry for your loss. I think it's wonderful that you are donating to NILMDTS in her honor! I'd love to have you follow along on my blog as well: