That Sweet Baby Smell

This morning I got to spend some time with my mom friends. I look forward to my Friday mornings with these ladies all week because they are not only a great group of moms, but they are a great group of friends that have been there for me through all of this. My one friend is sadly going to be leaving us because her husband just got a job in northern Virginia. I am very happy that he got a job, but very sad that they will be leaving us. I won't get to see her or her two beautiful children every week! I know we will see each other again, but..it is still hard to say "see you later." Anyways. I got to hold her newest one this morning..Lia is about 9 weeks old I think, and she smells wonderful. She has that sweet baby smell about her that is so infectious. I just love that smell..the smell of newness, baby shampoo, and a little bit of spit-up. I think it is funny how every baby is washed in something different, but they all smell the same! I wish that we could bottle that smell for rainy days. I really have been thinking about having another baby because it was actually really nice with just the four of us on vacation..I started to think that maybe I just wanted the two that I have here on Earth with me..After holding Lia this morning I was reminded that I really do want another baby. I just don't know if that is in our cards or not, but it is something that has been crossing my mind today..

I went to see Aubree yesterday after swimming with my cousin and her kids all day yesterday. I hate how I get all upset when I drive to the cemetery..how I don't know what to say to her..how I hate leaving her..I know she sees us all of the time and she is with our family in everything that we do, but I just feel like she is so far away from me. I am just so sick of living my life like she never existed. I know I am supposed to be living my life, but I just feel like I should be doing more. I really hate that Carley feels like she needs to tell people that our baby was sick. I really thought she was getting the fact that Aubree was gone, but just the other day she made a comment about when we could bring her home..I guess I am with her in that I would like to know that too..I wish I could bring her home. I will just have to be patient..

I was watching one of my favorite shows this week..I know I can be a little old-school, but I just love Little House on the Prairie. I was watching the one that had the fire that took Mary's baby and Alice Garvey. The show actually really hit home because Alice's husband Jonathan is very upset about the fact that God did not spare Alice. He commented about how he has read about all of the healing that was done in the Bible, and he wanted to know why God didn't save his Alice..Charles Ingalls (Michael Landon)makes the comment that he just doesn't know..None of us know why some people are healed and others are not. He turns to drinking to take away the pain of losing his wife. His son Andy is hurt by not only losing his mother but by the fact that he is slowly losing his father too..Charles goes over to talk to him, and he pushes the Bible into his lap and tells him to read..It is the passages in the Bible that bring him back to his son..to his life..and to the realization that God is still good. I find that when I start to question the same things the Bible does the same for me..I love that God is always revealing Himself in subtle ways when I need Him most.

Vacation..

We are having a wonderful time on vacation with the kids. It is everything that we had hoped for and more. The only complaint I have is with the food..we have not gotten a really great meal yet! I guess we are just not into the Southern food! Anyways. We have seen some incredible waterfalls, lakes, homes, etc. The kids were able to ride a horse for the very first time, and they absolutely loved it! We went out on a pontoon boat for a couple of hours, and we have been having a blast sliding down the rocks here in Cashiers. It is so much fun even though the water is freezing! I am amazed that every single place we go there are just a ton of people in the water. It is one of the best things in my kid's eyes! We are really loving the scenery and the laid back atmosphere. I have found a few coffee shops that are good so that makes me happy of course! I am looking forward to the last two days we have here.

Yesterday marked five months since Aubree left me..I have to say that it has been much harder then I thought it would be without her here on vacation. Every time I see people who comment on how cute my kids are it makes me want to cry..they don't see her..they don't even know she exists. It is so hard for me for some reason. No one knows I have three kids...she gets no recognition. I know she exists and that is all that matters, but it still bothers me that she isn't with us getting to experience all of this with us..I just miss her so much, and this vacation is really screaming that she is gone..I have felt her with me at times though during certain things..One time when I was thinking about her I saw a dragonfly...she has seen everything with us even if she isn't here physically I guess..I just wish she could be with us in so many ways. I would love to put her feet in the cold mountain water, and to feel her all snuggled up against me in her carrier while we are hiking, etc...We all miss you Aubree..

AHHHHH!

Today has just been one of those days..It started out on a bad note and has just not gotten any better..The kids woke up fighting both physically and verbally, Ruger has had several accidents on my carpet, and our trash got ripped apart and thrown all over our yard by a bear sometime this morning..blah! I had to go out and pick up all of the trash that was shredded and that included dirty diapers, moldy bread, shredded milk cartons, gross personal items, etc..It was not fun, and I thought I might vomit from the awful smell of it all. I was even scared because I was afraid the bear was still around. I had let my dogs out several times this morning when he could have been there doing all of the destruction. Thank goodness my dogs are ok! In some ways I wish I would have looked outside during the time that the trash was destroyed because I would have gotten some good pictures of the bear and maybe the kids could have seen it..Oh well. I probably would have just gotten mad that the bear was doing that to my trash and probably never would have even gotten a picture anyways..

On another note I got some exciting news that is sort of making up for all of the bad today..My grandma called and said we might be going on the Disney Cruise next year for their anniversary instead of going to Branson..I am so excited because I LOVE the Disney Cruise. I guess we would be going on the newest ship which is called Disney Dream..It would be so much fun for all if we did that! It is my favorite cruise line to travel with so this is an exciting possibility for me! I think the kids would be at a good age to really enjoy it too. We shall see if it works out.

When I was cleaning today I dusted off a frame that held pictures of both of my kids as babies in it, and it made me miss Aubree so much because I wanted her picture to join theirs. Their smiling faces reminded me that I will never get to see her at that age, and I feel like I have missed out on so much of her..What would she have looked like at nine months? I really want to hold her again, but I guess I will just have to be content with holding her in my heart for now.

Innocence

I have been very emotional this week, and I have no idea why that might be. I did go to her grave on Tuesday and maybe that just set things into motion. When I talked to my therapist about it she was asking what triggered it..I really didn't have an answer..she asked me if the day that I found out I was pregnant was approaching..yeah...it is. I never thought about it, but she is right. I came across the pregnancy test that told me she was coming the other day. I still have it..I have gotten rid of the other ones, but I still have hers. I wonder if it is to prove that she was really real, and that it wasn't just a horrible dream. I have no idea why I am keeping it, but I can't throw it away. My therapist said that I am approaching the time that I lost my innocence. What a wonderful way to put it. She is exactly right about that. I lost my innocence when I had Aubree. I never thought that such tragedy could happen to me, and now I have been thrown back down into the dirt with such force that the wind has been knocked right out of me. Now I feel like I am open to anything..I am no longer "invincible." I never was before, but I felt like things like this couldn't happen to us. I do refer to my life as before Aubree and after Aubree. I think back to where I was at this time last year, and gasp because I had no clue what was coming. I thought life was pretty good..I had NO idea my life would get turned upside down and that I would never be the same person again. I worry about things now....things I never used to worry about because now I think it can easily happen to us. I know I have no control over anything, and I guess that scares me. Bad things can happen, and I can't do anything about it.

Sometimes I just find myself driving around in a fog when I am by myself. I allow those awful thoughts to come into my head..to really remember the day we heard her diagnosis. Mike and I were just talking about that day the other night in bed as tears streamed down both of our faces..what a horrible day that was. It can probably be ranked as one of the worst days we have ever faced. I think it is even worse then the day she was born..I have such mixed feelings about that day. It was so awful yet so wonderful because I got to hold her..see her..let her go..I truly wouldn't wish this on anyone. It breaks your heart into a million pieces, and it is so hard to put them all back together again when a huge piece of your heart is gone.

I want a baby so badly that it hurts, but I am scared to death of getting pregnant. I would love to just skip over the whole pregnancy part and get to the newborn baby part. I wish that was possible. I know I need to have faith that God will pull me through another pregnancy if we are meant to have another child, but I am just having a hard time even thinking about pregnancy at all..I love to be pregnant too..I feel like even that joy was taken from me..

4th Of July

Today is the 4th of July, and I should be excited about spending some time with my family, but I am finding that I would rather just stay in my house with Mike and the kids. I have no idea why I have been feeling this way lately, but I seriously just want to keep to myself. I know it isn't healthy for any of us, but I have been so emotional lately for some reason that it is just easier to stay home. We went to our fairgrounds today to get a hot sausage sandwich from Coy's which is one of my family's favorite things to eat this time of year. My cousin ate four one year when she was pregnant..it was quite a record if you would see how tiny she is! :) We were just milling around with a bunch of people who were there to watch the demolition derby..really not my thing at all, when I saw this pregnant girl walking around smoking. It made me so angry that she could be smoking when she was supposed to be taking care of that precious baby she is carrying. Why can people like that have healthy children when they don't even take care of them while they are in utero? I can see that poor baby having smoke blown in his/her face all of the time if the mom is already smoking while pregnant. I just don't understand how you could treat something so wonderful with such disregard. Babies are such a blessing, and they are entrusted into your care..I just wanted to run up to her and scream at her for being so cruel..It just doesn't seem fair..

Parker and I were having a conversation at breakfast yesterday, and I made the comment about him being my baby. He told me he was a big boy, and that my baby went away..I wasn't sure I heard him correctly so I asked him again where my baby was..His response was "way up in the sky." Hmm..He is two, and he has somehow understood all of this talk about Aubree. He thinks she is way up in the sky. I'm not sure he understands what that means, but he has listened..His response brought tears to my eyes because he is so right..my baby went away. He is still my baby in many ways, but he has grown up and doesn't need me the same way anymore. I am trying so hard to hold on to him, but he is just pushing further and further away from me which is exactly what two-year-olds do..I just wish I could make him want to be my baby for a little bit longer.. I just feel like my emotions are starting to get the best of me this weekend, and I am just so tired..

Tree #5

This tree was planted by some really nice men yesterday for us as a gift from Cynthia and Joe Cardiello in honor of Aubree. It is a Kwanzan Cherry Tree, and I am so excited to have it in our yard. Cynthia is probably one of the nicest people to do business with in the Indiana area. She made buying our Jeep Commander a breeze for us, and she is just really pleasant to work with. There are very few people in the world that are like her. She and her husband were so generous in getting this tree for us being that she only knows us from the car dealership where we bought both of our cars. How many people can say they have that kind of relationship with their car dealers? She has just been so supportive through this whole ordeal, and we are so thankful to have this tree from them. I would recommend using her to help you buy a car if you are in the market that's for sure! Every time I look at this tree I can't help but smile. It really adds beauty to our yard in that it is a large tree that will have beautiful blooms on it next spring. I love that this tree will get to be over 30 ft. tall with a 25 ft. spread or so..it sort of resembles great strength to me which is what we have had to show through Aubree's diagnosis, death, and beyond..We just feel so blessed to have a yard full of beautiful trees that will remind us of her every time we go outside or look outside. She is everywhere..and she will never be forgotten in our house! I just feel so blessed in that we have so many people who wanted to honor her..She really was a gift, and she taught so many people about what is really important in life. Isn't it amazing that a two pound baby girl could do that? She really was a spitfire!