Innocence

I have been very emotional this week, and I have no idea why that might be. I did go to her grave on Tuesday and maybe that just set things into motion. When I talked to my therapist about it she was asking what triggered it..I really didn't have an answer..she asked me if the day that I found out I was pregnant was approaching..yeah...it is. I never thought about it, but she is right. I came across the pregnancy test that told me she was coming the other day. I still have it..I have gotten rid of the other ones, but I still have hers. I wonder if it is to prove that she was really real, and that it wasn't just a horrible dream. I have no idea why I am keeping it, but I can't throw it away. My therapist said that I am approaching the time that I lost my innocence. What a wonderful way to put it. She is exactly right about that. I lost my innocence when I had Aubree. I never thought that such tragedy could happen to me, and now I have been thrown back down into the dirt with such force that the wind has been knocked right out of me. Now I feel like I am open to anything..I am no longer "invincible." I never was before, but I felt like things like this couldn't happen to us. I do refer to my life as before Aubree and after Aubree. I think back to where I was at this time last year, and gasp because I had no clue what was coming. I thought life was pretty good..I had NO idea my life would get turned upside down and that I would never be the same person again. I worry about things now....things I never used to worry about because now I think it can easily happen to us. I know I have no control over anything, and I guess that scares me. Bad things can happen, and I can't do anything about it.

Sometimes I just find myself driving around in a fog when I am by myself. I allow those awful thoughts to come into my head..to really remember the day we heard her diagnosis. Mike and I were just talking about that day the other night in bed as tears streamed down both of our faces..what a horrible day that was. It can probably be ranked as one of the worst days we have ever faced. I think it is even worse then the day she was born..I have such mixed feelings about that day. It was so awful yet so wonderful because I got to hold her..see her..let her go..I truly wouldn't wish this on anyone. It breaks your heart into a million pieces, and it is so hard to put them all back together again when a huge piece of your heart is gone.

I want a baby so badly that it hurts, but I am scared to death of getting pregnant. I would love to just skip over the whole pregnancy part and get to the newborn baby part. I wish that was possible. I know I need to have faith that God will pull me through another pregnancy if we are meant to have another child, but I am just having a hard time even thinking about pregnancy at all..I love to be pregnant too..I feel like even that joy was taken from me..