Happy Birthday, Aubree..

As I sit here and reflect about the most horrible year of my life I can't help but smile because even though I have empty arms I have a heart full of love for my family and friends who have supported me through it all. Today has been difficult to say the least because it marks both the worst day and one of the best days of my life. I had the opportunity to spend this entire day a year ago holding my beautiful daughter for the one and only day that I would ever get with her in this lifetime. It was the worst day because I also had to say good-bye in the same breath. Looking back on that day it really was a nightmare, and I probably would have looked crazy to anyone who came into our room because I just sat there staring at my daughter all day even though she wasn't living..I don't care though. That was my only day with her, and I was going to soak up every inch of her before I had to leave that night. I have to say that leaving her was the hardest part. I know that she wasn't living, but I was so worried about leaving her alone. I was her mother. How could I just leave her at the hospital all alone? I even called the hospital to check on her to make sure she was picked up by the funeral home. I just didn't want her to be forgotten by anyone or to be left unattended because that meant that she wasn't important to them. She was my flesh and blood, and I was going to make sure she was taken care of. I just can't believe it has been a year already. This miserable year really did fly by quickly even if most of it was spent in a fog just trying to get through our every day tasks.

We spent the day together as a family as you can see from the pictures. We woke up to about nine inches of snow, and even that made me smile because it blanketed everything in beauty and sort of set the mood for the day..peaceful. We took her some red tulips and we released some pink balloons for her. The kids were mostly just excited about the pink cupcakes we ate with her after singing "Happy Birthday" to her. Carley came to me this morning and informed me that the first thing she did was to look up to the sky and wish Aubree a Happy Birthday..So sweet, yet so innocent, and it brought tears to my eyes as has most everything else today. I just can't seem to stop crying! All of the wonderful posts and notes that people have sent me have been so beautiful, and I feel truly loved by all today..even more importantly, I feel the love for my daughter too. That means the world to me. I said all that I need to say to my daughter today at her grave, and I feel at peace. It was such a beautiful day for a birthday party, and I am so thankful that we were able to get to her despite all of the snow! We will light a candle for her this evening as one of our new birthday rituals for her. My beautiful baby girl has made such an impact on me even in her short time with me, and I know that she is impacting others. I feel truly blessed to be her mother even if I wish that I could have spent this year watching all of her milestones instead of visiting her grave.

A week or so ago I had written on Sirius XM's The Message discussion board about a song that really changed my life. I guess I hadn't read why they were actually doing this discussion, but I wrote about the song "Your Hands" by JJ Heller and told Aubree's story. I received an email this morning from a woman who said she could relate to me and she cried for me after they read my post this morning. I had no idea what she was talking about, and then it dawned on me that they played my song and read my post this morning on satellite radio..I missed it of course because Carley didn't have school today due to the snow, but I am just so happy knowing that many other people learned about my beautiful daughter this morning. I hope that made Aubree smile as much as it made me smile this morning!

I am sending all of my love to Aubree today, and I thank all of you for supporting us through this year. I know that we will continue to grieve, but I am really hoping that this peace I feel sort of carries me through the next year. God has carried me through this far, and He certainly isn't about to abandon me now. Happy Birthday baby girl...