What a Rough Morning..

I went to the viewing and service for my friend's daughter this morning, and it was really rough. I hate seeing such a small casket with such a perfect little girl who didn't even have a chance to live..Most of her life was spent fighting leukemia but from what they say she was a happy girl regardless. Hearing her father speak about her about broke my heart. The tears that haven't flowed for quite some time just wouldn't stop because I know where he is at and how difficult the next year is going to be. I told him to just keep on getting out of bed each morning..Sounds like dumb advice, but it kept me going even when I didn't want to get out of bed. I had to just keep putting one foot forward in order to keep on moving forwards emotionally..It was not an easy task, but I hope he is able to do it. The other big factor is having faith..you just can't survive something like this if you don't believe you will see your child again. To see them the last time would be way too final I think..I at least know that she is waiting for me, and I WILL see her again! It is so sad what my friend has gone through, but he is being so tough. I let him know that I am here if he needs me for anything at all. I am just worried about him because he has a lot on his plate right now without having a job, fighting for custody of his son, and just learning to live without Lily is going to be tough. Please pray for him and for his family as they begin this extremely difficult journey.

Just hearing all of the poems, the songs, and being around the sadness just brought back all of those memories of Aubree's service..I am so glad my mom was there to support me through it. She has known Clark and his mother for a really long time too so I think it was good for her to be there to support them as well. I am emotionally drained, and my heart just feels so heavy right now. I wish I could take away the pain that he is feeling right now, but the only person capable of doing that is our true Father. What a sad day for this family...May God grant them peace and allow them to rejoice for Lily and the fact that she is leukemia free and finally at peace..

18 Months

Today marks 18 months since Aubree gained her wings, and I can't believe it has been that long already..I mentioned it to Mike the other day as we were driving into church, and he couldn't believe it had been that long either. It sometimes feels like it was only yesterday that I was pregnant with her, but I'm sure that being pregnant doesn't help with that at all. I miss her, and I can't help but wonder what she would look like right now. I can picture Carley at 18 months so clearly, and I wonder if she would have looked just like her or if she would have had her own distinct characteristics even though she looked just like her at birth. That part terrifies me about giving birth if this baby would be a girl..will this baby look just like her too? How will I react to that? I am trying to prepare myself that this baby could in fact look like Aubree (with some obvious differences of course), but that is easier said then done. I find myself missing her now more then ever because I never got to reach this point with her. I am also thinking about her more frequently because I have to go in for NST testing every week because of my history with her. I have to keep relaying the story of what happened over and over to everyone as my explanation of why I am having them done already..Being on that floor freaks me out, but I am hoping that every time I push the number 5 on the elevator it is going to get easier. They asked me who my nurses were when I delivered her, and I can't tell them because I have no idea. I can tell you who they were with both of my other kids though..That day was such a blur, and I can really only remember bits and pieces of it. Seeing other newborns on the floor makes me crazy..I want to run up to the moms and ask them if they even know how lucky they are to have a living, breathing child in their arms. I of course just keep these crazy actions to myself, but I would love to remind them to be extra thankful for their blessings..

Mike and I have decided that we are going to be alone on the day of delivery because we have no idea how we will respond to that day or to when baby actually comes out. We might be perfectly fine, or we might be a mess..We just want to be given the freedom to be however we are without anyone pressuring us to see the baby right away. We have also decided that if the timing is right we want our kids to meet the baby first. They are nervous in their own ways, and we want to reassure them as soon as we can that we are ok and that the baby is ok. Parker is starting to act strangely, and I am wondering if he is internalizing all of this in some ways. He hasn't been sleeping well, wants to be held a lot, is telling me he is my baby (which he hates being called a baby), and he even told me last night, "No more babies in your belly." I realize he has school starting in the fall as well as the baby coming so I think all of it together is causing him some stress. He has been complaining of stomach pains which could be a combination of stress and some acid build-up from his Flovent inhaler. I have no idea. All I know is that he is not acting like himself. I have been going to more appointments for the baby recently, and we have been talking more about the baby. He is only three, but he remembers what happened to his mommy the last time she had a baby..

I wish more then anything that we could all just be happy all of the time without any stress with this pregnancy, but the blissfulness of pregnancy was taken away from us the day we found out Aubree was not going to live. I still can't believe it has been 18 months since she went to Heaven, but I know that her life is so much better now so that makes it more bearable for me. Her life here would not have been free of pain, but she gets to live pain free forever now..Isn't that something we all can't wait for? Sending all of my love upwards today, and I hope she knows just how much I miss her..

What a week!!

This past week went by in such a hurry, and I'm not even sure what all happened! I taught VBS at our church this year for the preschoolers again, and I ended up having 19 (4-5 year-olds) all week for about three hours in the morning. Let's just say that I am beyond exhausted! We had a lot of kids this year turn out for our program so it was a bit chaotic at times, but it is safe to say that every kid had a blast. There truly is nothing better then hearing 180 kids on fire for Jesus! In my class alone I had two little girls (who are sisters) decide on their own that they wanted to ask Jesus to be their forever friend (that is how we refer to it in our program to make it more understandable for them). It makes me feel pretty good just knowing that they got something out of the times they were being taught by others or by me..I would count that as a very successful week! There is just something about hearing about how your friend's children are singing the songs to their parents all week long..They are ministering, and they do not even know it!

It was Parker's first year at VBS, and he wasn't sure about going. By the end of the week he would run downstairs completely dressed and ready to go as soon as he woke up. I had to really keep my emotions in check when he was in front of the whole group leading the motions and singing the songs..he is only three, but he did such a great job! He was so excited about going, and he even pointed out a cross when we were driving from the church one day to tell us that Jesus died on the cross for us..He got something out of this week!! Carley loved VBS as well, and she always had a lot to tell Mike when he would come home from work which is not like her! She tends to keep things to herself! It was a wonderful week full of joy, and I am so glad that I was able to be a part of it even if it was challenging and exhausting!!

As for me..I am in a better place with things. I am feeling a bit less anxious, and I have decided that I will allow my doctor to induce me if need be. I have decided that it will be best to have him there for my emotional health or if anything would go wrong..He needs to be the one to take care of me since he has done such a great job so far. That decision alone has really helped..I did buy two outfits for the baby to come home in too..that was a big step because I have been so hesitant to buy anything at all. Now we just have to wait and see which outfit we will use! My kids are pretty sure we will be using the blue one! We shall find out next month I guess!

For those of you who have been praying for my friend Clark and his daughter Lily..please keep those prayers coming. She is fighting, and God could still provide a miracle, but..I have asked God to have my daughter waiting with open arms to welcome Lily into her next life where there is no more pain, suffering, treatments, hospitals, etc if that is His wish for her life. Clark will need a lot of prayers to stay strong and faithful through all of this as you all know how terrible the months/years are after you lose a child..

Anxiety

Today marks 32 weeks for me which is very bittersweet..I never made it this far with Aubree, but it also marks the day we buried her..when I would have been 32 weeks pregnant with her. I have been feeling down today, and it doesn't help that I found out a few weeks ago that my doctor (that I love so much) will be on vacation the week of my due date. I am freaking out about the possibility of him not being there to deliver this baby when I need him to be there emotionally. He was on vacation the week of my due date with Carley, but I was able to hold off and get him the day he came back on call because I was a week overdue. The chances of me going that long again are not that high considering I was just two days overdue with Parker. You never know though...I know that I could be induced early, but that terrifies me because you have a higher risk of having a c-section due to stress on the baby. I feel like I am terrified either way..I am scared of letting the baby in there too long because I know so many people who have delivered overdue stillborns, but I am also terrified of putting the baby at risk in any way. A c-section is just not ideal for me. I really need my last birthing experience to be a positive vaginal one since my last vaginal birth was traumatic. I need to remember birth as something wonderful instead of something tragic. I do realize that that health of the baby is #1, but the idea of having a c-section is scary to me. I just need him to be there emotionally for me because he has been through it with us. None of the other doctors in this area care about me or what I have been through...they don't even know in fact. They will once they read my charts, but I still don't have any sort of relationship with them at all. I just don't know what to do..I am going to talk to him at my appointment this week and see what he says. I am already freaked out about delivery day, and to not have him there is just too much to even think about...I am someone who just likes baby to come when baby is ready so I feel like I would be breaking all of my rules just for my emotional health..